Welcome to my darkness. If you've come to condemn or are offended by the insanity at this blog then GO AWAY! Your God doesn't live here!
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2/4/06

Time After Time

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"We tortured and murdered his family, destroyed his life...what that must have been like for him. Doesn't seem so funny now, does it?" ~Darla

I have two continuing fantasys currently running through my daydreams. The first, which I'll call "pill day fantasy," usually happens on the bus ride to and from school, or maybe during the boring parts of my classes, and it involves me, Lora and Ashley going through our days doing absolutely fun and NORMAL things while becoming a closer and more loving family with each passing moment.

The second, which for reasons obvious, I'll call "Normal Sara fantasy," only has me and Lora and I'm Immortal and have a sword and at first I try to hide it from Lora but eventually another Immortal kidnapps her trying to gain revenge on me so I have to rescue her and take the other Immortal's head in front of her. BOOM! Lighting, swirlling skys, quickening, Sara becomes more powerful.
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Yeah, I know. You're thinking, "Sara, and no BUFFY fantasy???" Well, I played the Buffy fantasy out like, a GABILLION TIMES already so...
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Anyways, yesterday I started to walk to the gas station to get some brown sugar for Lora. (It was cold and she knows I like to walk in the cold.) I had gotten only to the edge of the community when I decided to go back for a heavier coat. It was a little colder than I thought it was.

I walked into my house and there in the living room sat Lora, my step-dad, my sister Analie and my neighbor and lifelong family friend, Annalara. The "Gathering to judge the cRaZiNeSs of Sara" as I call it, because that's EXACTUALLY what they were doing the last time I saw that scene.

I grabbed my heavy coat and walked back out the door without saying a word to them.
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They knew.

And I knew!

(And I knew that they knew that I knew!!!)

YAY! Altered States is on AMC right now! I LOVE that movie!!!

Okay, back to my story; I knew what they were doing and talking about and NONONO it's NOT paranoia when they're REALLY talking about you!

So my step-dad pulls up next to me and says he's on his way into town and offers me a ride. I get in the car and immediately ask, "So what were you guys talking about?"
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"Your birthday," he smart-assly replies. To which I KNOW is a liEEEE because my birthday isn't till October. So there's silence for the rest of the short ride and I say nothing when I get out except to slam the door of his new car EXTRA hard as an exclamation point on our NON-converstaion.

THIS MORNING; Me and Lora wake, do the bathroom thing, go downstairs, she gets my meds, hands me the water, I pop the pills into my mouth, bring the glass up to my lips, and...STOP!

Out the corner of my eye I see that she's looking at me.

So I swig back the water and wash the pills down. She walks away to get our coffee.
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"Where you just watching to make sure I took my pills," I ask with a slight trust-me-NOT attitude in my voice.

"Have you been taking your pills everyday?" She reply-asks with an I-know-what-you-did-last-summer tone.

I immediately gave her the offencive "look of disbelief" accommpanied with that unspellable sound, to which she countered with the lowering slightly of the head along with the raising of the left eyebrow and pursing of the lips.
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I hit her with the "quickly putting my hand on my hip" manauver. Then she ended the whole thing with the one move that ALWAYS ends the movement war...she crossed her arms with refusing-to-budge look written all over her face. (The crossing of the arms is ALWAYS the hands down winner when applied at the right time and Lora has mastered it perfectly.)

So I turned my back to her and sat the glass in the sink. I could still feel her standing there, not moving, with her arms crossed. So I said, "It's only been every other day and it's not affecting me," without turning around to look at her.
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"Sara, " she starts, "You snuck downstairs in the middle of the night, called my cell phone, WAKING ME UP, whispering, `Have you checked the children?' and you've done it to everybody else, too. You scared the crap out of Elder Malcolm." (I'm SO glad she couldn't see my expression when she said that because I was in NO WAY strong enough to fight back the evil smile that crawled it's evil way onto my face.)

Silence.

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"Are you seeing dead grandma again?"

I jerked around quickly to face her. "YES! Wait...I meant "NO!"

"It's not funny, Sara. You think it's fucking funny but it's not!" She was mad now. The only time Lora uses the "fucking" word is when she's mad or when I'm giving her face and she yells, "EAT IT, YOU FUCKING WHORE!"
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More silence.

"Okay! I just took them. You saw. I just took them, okay!" Then I crossed MY arms, but instead of the unbudging look, I had the "okay, you win, now come pity me" look. To which she walked over, put her arms around me softly, then thrust her tongue into my mouth SEARCHING FOR THE PILLS! The witch SO didn't trust me that she was actually probing me to make sure I'd swallowed them!

I jerked my head back and pushed her away from me. "I don't lie to you!" I said, (SCORE! ZING! YES, Sara turns defeat into VICTORY!!!") then walked over to get my own damn coffee.
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Now, I could have been selfish and made Lora feel like crap for the rest of the day because of her probing action. Breaking trust is a big thing in our relationship. And at that moment I was in the right.

Nevermind that overall I was the bad guy. Her probing was a DO NOT DO thing. After all, I didn't lie to her when she asked me about taking my meds. And she was actually worried about if I had been taking them AT ALL. Skipping a day isn't too bad. (Love is very technical sometimes.)
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But instead of letting her walk over and apologize, which I knew she was about to do, I told her I was sorry for the entire thing and that I wanted to get my meds changed so they didn't make me feel so blah and lifeless all the time.

So next week we're going to the doctor to get something a little less potent for me and hopefully I'll be able to have nightmares on a regular basis again. (If I have just ONE MORE DREAM of me wearing that damn pink and blue dress at the park on a warm sunny afternoon with all the children sitting around me while I tell them a happysappy story I will SCEEEEEEEAAAM!!!)

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Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
and think of you
caught up in circles confusion--
is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--
almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after--
sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear
what you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
the second hand unwinds
if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--
I will be waaaaiting

time after time


~Sara<3
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