Welcome to my darkness. If you've come to condemn or are offended by the insanity at this blog then GO AWAY! Your God doesn't live here!
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1/31/06

rantRANTrant

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Of the last six days, I've skipped taking my meds three of them. Usually first thing in the morning Lora and me wake, do the bathroom fresh-up thing,(Sometimes sex comes right after that. Hot LESBIAN Sex!) then head downstairs to the kitchen for coffee and breakfast. (Fruit for her, cereal for me. (Usually something WAY too sugary.)
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First things first, Lora goes straight for my meds, gets me water, and makes sure I take them. Not that she's treating me like a child, just that I sometimes forget. But I learned that she doesn't actually WATCH me when I take them. The sound of the faucette running covers the sound of the pills hitting the sink.
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I've also learned that less meds make the days much more interesting.

Example; There's this really cute guy in my anthropology class. Quiet, shy, sensative. All the girls, and one of the guys, just think he's a doll. So everyday I've been shooting him in the back of his head with a rubber band. Just once per day, and nobody has caught me yet.
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I've also developed the nerve to explore the school more. I totally explored the high school to the point where the janitor would check the sub-basement storage room everyday to make sure I wasn't hanging out in there. At the college I have three classes everyday. Anthropology, world history, hour break, then creative writing. I've been spending the hour break checking out as much of the school as possible.
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Less meds have made me want to do things again instead of just going along with the program. I've even been riding the city bus to the resale shop everyday after school instead of having Lora pick me up. Doing this has slightly upset Lora because she likes to get away from work for awhile each day.
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She knows that she doesn't have to go there and could instead come to school with me. The money would still come in and we could be together but Lora likes to "earn her keep" and doesn't want my step-dad giving us money every week unless it's been earned. I admire that, even though I think it's dumb. Why work when you can go to school instead.
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Yes, not taking the meds has made dead grandma start appearing again. And sometimes reality gets a little blurred with my daydreams. And the dog down the street has been looking at me strange. And, okay, a few times I've woken in the middle of the night and made phone calls that I shouldn't have...

But all in all things are getting a helluvalot more interesting!

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~Sara<3
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How many of you out there have heard of alternative engines engines that can run on anything from alcohol to garbage or water? Or carburetors that can get hundreds of miles to the gallon? Or electric or magnetic engines that can practically run forever? You don't know about them, because if they were to come into use they'd put the oil companies out of business.

The concept of the internal combustion engine has been obsolete for over 50 years. But because of the oil cartels and corrupt government regulation we and the rest of the world have been forced to use gasoline for over 100 years. Big business is primarily responsible for destroying the water we drink, the air we breathe and the food we eat.

They have no care for the world they destroy only for the money they make in the process.

How many oil spills can we endure?

Millions and millions of gallons of oil are destroying the ocean and the many forms of life it supports. Among these is plankton, which supplies 60 to 80% of the earth's oxygen. It supports the entire marine ecosystem which forms the basis of our planet's food supply.

But the plankton is dying.

I thought, "Well, let's go to some remote state or country "anywhere on earth."

But in doing a little research, I realized that these people broker toxic waste all over the world. They basically control the legislation and, in fact, they control the law.

The law says no company can be fined more than xxx thousands a day. If a company's making millions a day by dumping lethal toxic waste into the ocean, it's only good business to continue doing this.

They influence the media so that they can control our minds.

They've made it a crime to speak out for ourselves.

If we do so, we're called conspiracy nuts and we're laughed at. We're angry because we're all being chemically and genetically damaged...

...and we don't even realize it.

Unfortunately, this will affect our children.

We go to work each day and right under our noses we see our car and the car in front of us spewing noxious, poisonous gases, that are all accumulative poisons. These poisons kill us slowly, even when we see no effect.
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How many of us would've believed if we were told a few years that on a certain day we wouldn't be able to see 50 feet in front of us, that we wouldn't be able to take a deep breath. because the air would be a mass of poisonous gas. That we couldn't drink out of our faucets, that we'd have to buy water out of bottles. Our most common and God-given rights have been taken away from us.
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1/25/06

Clover<3

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I fell in love with her as soon as I saw this.
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Check it out, http://ipullips.livejournal.com/
The creator is a doll, too. ^_^
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KILL BARBIE!!! (The drugged up BIOTCH!)
http://ipullips.livejournal.com/5908.html#cutid1
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This is the first one I saw and thought it was ADORABLE!!!
http://ipullips.livejournal.com/7416.html#cutid1
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I am definately getting me one of those. The doll, not the girl. :p
(I saw her first, Moonspider! No stealng!)

~Sara<3

The Strangebegones

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Those strange looking people that you see and sometimes meet on the streets of whatever city, USA, that you just wish would be gone; Strangebegones.
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Everyone has their own strangebegone. For some it's the bums or the homeless. For others it's the ones that like to stop and talk and talk while you're just wanting to go your way. It's the group of black guys that you cross the street so not to confront them, or the two old white ladies that look lost and you know they're going to ask your help.

For some it's ME!Image hosting by Photobucket
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Way back starting when I was in jr high I would ride the city bus to and from school because no one on the school bus really liked me and it was usually too far to walk, `cept on warmer days.
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At the time of day I rode there was also of this group of "special" people that were getting out of the Wildwind School for the Mentally Challenged. (YES, I named my horse Wyldwyn after a crazy school!) Well, on Tuesdays most of them would be talking about the Monday Night RAW show the from the night before. Eventually I started joining in, amazing them with my love and knowledge of wrestling.
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They were easy to amaze.

Today Lora couldn't pick me up(From my sixth day of COLLEGE!!!)so I decided to take the bus to the resale shop and hang out with her till 5pm when she went home. Another girl in one of my classes takes the bus home everyday so we decided to ride together.

As soon as we got on the bus it erupted in the sound of my name. There was a HUGE group of "special" people and when they recognized me they all yelled, "SARA!"

My strangebegones. :(
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Anyways, that was my exciting moment of the day. School is good...and easy. Nothing like high school for sure. I'm taking creative wrting, world history 1 and anthropology.
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*beep*

~SaraImage hosting by Photobucket
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FINALLY The "Mainstream" News Is Reporting About The Election Fraud!
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As Elections Near, Officials Challenge Balloting Security
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/01/21/AR2006012101051_pf.html

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And from former Regan yes man Paul Craig Roberts, http://www.lewrockwell.com/roberts/roberts140.html

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Our basic right to choose who are elected officials has been STOLEN from us. It's time to get it back!!! If we don't, what's next???
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1/23/06

Saddness:(

I just learned that Warren Ellis lost his mother to cancer.

My heart goes out to you, Warren. The pain never goes away but it does get easier to deal with.

blessedbe

~Sara<3

Buffy Fans! Pic Of Faith's Vagina!

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Night's quiet came again in night's quiet way. The insects are snickering, hiding their mouths so I can't see them laughing at me. But I can still hear them.

I can hear them snickering all across the world.

It's a dark and sometimes noisey world that olny exist in the deepest little corners of my head. A dark and cold and lonely world where the insects can be heard snickering all across the way.
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Events. Everyone has them. Events that shaped their lives. Mostly good, I guess, but some bad. Some scarey. Some horrifying. Everybody has them. If you search your memories I'm sure you'll find them, too.

My oldest memory is of me standing on top of the great pyramid of Gaza overlooking the burnt and destroyed remains of the kingdom that dared to defy my will. Just me, just standing there, overlooking the ruins of the world.

I was seven at the time. The pyramid was actually our balcony on the second floor of the apartment building we lived in. The world was actually the gray and littered neighborhood in Chicago where I grew up. And me...I was Rita Repulsa. Having just defeated the pink and yellow Power Rangers, actually my little sister and the girl that lived across the hall whose name I can't remember, and I was now basking in my supreme power.
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Then the world suddenly got very, very close. The Yellow Ranger, whom I still torture to this day, made a last defying attempt to stop the evil Rita from totally destroying the Earth. The little bitch pushed me.

The world got very close, and if it weren't for the hedges beneath our balcony the Rangers would have surely triumphed over evil and saved the day once more.

The next thing I remember is bravely pulling myself out of the bushes and telling my crying mother that things were okay and that those Rangers could never really stop Rita Repulsa!
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What really happened was that my mom saw the push, ran down stairs and pulled me out of the bushes, then rushed me to the emergency room with me crying and bleeding all the way.

I remember the emergency room. Mostly just sitting with a lot of other people I didn't know. Some of them were loud and yelling. My pre pube mind couldn't really grasp the scope of things going on it that room. I imagine now that people were hurt, or angry, frustrated. Some probably worrying that their lives were in danger of ending.

I wasn't hurt that bad. Mostly cuts and scrapes along with a sprained wrist. More likely than not I didn't need to be their. But Destiny is a mean bitch and Fate likes to play his little games. We're all just along for the ride.
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I remember hearing the scream. The scream of a mother in pain is something I'll never forget. It came from behind me, and when I scooted around and got on my knees in the chair to see what was going on, I had my first "event."

The woman was on her knees and surrounded partially by people. I couldn't make out what was wrong with her so I started to stand up in the chair. The next few moments happened so fast.
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I remember going up, starting to stand. I remember the guy directly between me and the lady moving so I had a clear view. I remember my mom's hands grabbing me at the waist, and I remember the little girl's eyes. The lady was kneeling next to her crying and people grabbed the little girl and took her away very fast, but it the short moment that I could see her...she looked at me.

But when I looked back nobody was there.

The people picked her up and her head rolled to the other side, eyes never moving. Her stare at me was a death stare. The chemical composition of my brain changed. Tramatic experiance immediately after tramatic experiance forced a new reality on me. It took away my simpleness and replaced it with something I can't explain and will probably never fully understand.
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I don't know what happened to the little girl. Perhaps knowing would help things a bit. Probably not. I kept that memory deep inside me for such a long time. It's only been since my mom died two years ago that I've been able to talk about it.

Lora was the first one I told. I had been thinking about it too much and in January of last year I went into a depression shock and stayed in bed for three weeks doing nothing but watching Buffy DVDs and using the bathroom. Finally late one night in the darkness I told her everything and she gave me the strength to get help.

It wasn't long after the event that my family left Chicago and moved to the commuity that my dad had grown up in. A little community just north of Quincy, Illinois where I've lived every since in the family home my great-grandfather had built around the turn of the last century.

My second event came soon afterward. It was Independence Day. The 4th of July. Dreams of dead eyes staring at me were almost gone. I had met another girl living in the community and we had become friends. Her name was Katie and the two of us would stay best friends forever after that day.
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I remember standing on the bank of the Mississippi River. We had come down for the live band they were having at Clat-Adams Park on the riverfront. My dad had taken his friend Billy's speedboat onto the river and was having a grand ol' time. I was standing there watching him and waiting because he told me that after he got a "feel" for the way the boat handled he would pick me up and take me for a boat ride.

I remember my mother kept telling me not to stand so close to the edge of the dock or I might fall in. She told me this several times because I was feeling brave that day and kept walking back and forth on the edge. Practicing on an invisible tightrope for my circus debut I imagined would one day come.

My dad sped past me. He yelled my name as he did and splashed water up toward the docks. He didn't come close enough to get me wet but it cause me to give him and the boat my undivided attention.
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He shot out toward the cove at Quincippy Island then turned around to head back towards the docks. My body tightened and I as I jumped up and down quickly on my toes. I knew he was coming to get me now.

The next moment is grinded into my memory. My dad had just cleared the edge of the island and turned toward the docks. Just then another boat came around the other side of the island. It was going very fast. Today there's a blocker there but then it was just open water. The other boat slammed into my dad, hitting his boat right where he was standing.
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I remember the river just seemed to just explode. Boat and water went every where. I never saw my dad again.

After that, my mind went where few minds have gone before.
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Sorry there's no big reveal that "turned me gay," but that was mostly Lora's fault. Her dark eyes telling me that she had a crush on me was enough to ensure the bisexual feelings I was having turned toward the FEM more or less completely. (Gosta love the FEM!)

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~Sara<3

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Unemployed porn actor gets job as topless waitress
Thursday, 01 December 2005

19-year-old topless waitress Britney Harrison is working the floor at lingerie restaurant The Birdhouse but only until she gets her big break.

"I know it sounds clichéd," says Harrison "a topless waitress who wants to be an porn actress, but the hours really suit my lifestyle and drug habit. I can always take time off to do an audition, and you’d be surprised how often the customers here offer me roles. I might ever get discovered, the BangBus could be right around the corner," she laughs.

Harrison: dreams of starring in a movie with 8 sequels "Besides, I’m lucky enough to have an agent who gives me free acting classes."

Although her waitressing work is just a way to make money, Harrison says it has helped her mature as an actor. Studying how male diners react with stony-faced indifference or drunken leering and hooting has let her come to know her audience intimately, and despise them as well.
"I’ve learned to feign pleasure while grotesque men sleaze onto me, and that’s a skill I can carry throughout my career."

Harrison might be ambitious, but she’s realistic about how hard making it big can be. "L.A. is full of people wanting to get into the adult film industry. It’s always been hard, but now we’re competing against the likes of Paris Hilton as well. You can’t want to get into porn simply for the money. Although to be honest, I can’t really think of another reason."

"I’ve already done a few screen tests. I got a call-back for Anal Ambition, but the lead ended up going to the director’s girlfriend. It makes you wonder how ethical these people are."

But Harrison has already bounced back, auditioning for a non-speaking part in Teen Slut Auditions Vol. 9.

"I just need to get out there and make a name for myself. Like Taylor Vain, or Mystique."
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http://www.chaser.com.au/content/view/2905/26/

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Oh yeah, the pic if Elisa Dushka's vagina...
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1/18/06

She was such a little girl that one did not expect to see such a look on her small face.

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Once on a dark winter's day, when the yellow fog hung so thick and heavy in the streets of London that the lamps were lighted and the shop windows blazed with gas as they do at night, an odd-looking little girl sat in a cab with her father and was driven rather slowly through the big thoroughfares.

She sat with her feet tucked under her, and leaned against her father, who held her in his arm, as she stared out of the window at the passing people with a queer old-fashioned thoughtfulness in her big eyes.

She was such a little girl that one did not expect to see such a look on her small face. It would have been an old look for a child of twelve, and Sara Crewe was only seven.

The fact was, however, that she was always dreaming and thinking odd things and could not herself remember any time when she had not been thinking things about grown-up people and the world they belonged to.

She felt as if she had lived a long, long time. ~Frances Hodgson Burnett's "A Little Princess"
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http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/toc/modeng/public/BurLiPr.html

That nearly describes my life and the way I'm feeling lately. If you've never read the book you really should. It's one of the best written books in print IMO. The link takes you to an online version so...
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I have so much respect for the older people of the world. If you've lived past fifty then you've got TONS of respect from me just for doing that. I don't understand how you can handle it.

I'm trying my hardest to make it through these next/last ten or less years of my life without going totally iNzAnE! (Tho every time I talk about how people like me usually don't make it past thirty Lora gets all upset and teary eyed at me. I just wish she understood better. She tells me of how she wishes we had known each other as children growing up, but she doesn't know how I was then. Or about the things I would have done to her.)
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I was going to make a loooong post today telling you all about the recent adventures I've had. But life is only important to people if it's their own so I won't bore you. The short version...

Trip to see Ashley. Didn't get to see her but watched six dumfuk rednecks get into a HUGE fight that destroyed a backyard family BBQ.
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Near drunk lesbian three-way. Me, Lora and Tammy were all depressed and drinking. Lora and me miss our baby and Tammy is sad because she can't find a true love to capture her heart. I feel bad for her because she's a very sweet and DAMN GORGEOUS friend but she's WAY picky when it comes to finding someone.
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We all ended up sleeping together on a pallet in my livingroom. No sex, clothes on, but there was some heavy making out the night before that Lora and I haven't fully discussed yet. "Friends don't fuck or they're no longer friends." She always says. While I believe that it's best to be friends, then fuck.
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Who's to say which is right.

I've also started learning how to drive. Drunk Jacob's Willow tree in front of his house has been the first casuality. Although I did more damage to Lora's car then the tree.
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We're going to try to visit Ashley again this weekend. I think her parents are trying to keep her away from us. Not out of spite or anything, I just believe that they want their daughter to know she's staying with her parents and not us. I don't blame them because she is THEIR daughter, but it's difficult for us to deal with.
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I hate seeing Lora sad the way she has been lately. I wish I were strong enough to put my sorrow aside and cheer her up but I'm not. Depression use to be my friend and being sad was a way of life. But now all the saddness brings is a pain so great that curling up into a little ball and crying for hours doesn't make it better anymore.
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Nothing does and the only thing that will is bringing Ashley home...

...or time.
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~Sara<3