Welcome to my darkness. If you've come to condemn or are offended by the insanity at this blog then GO AWAY! Your God doesn't live here!
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2/28/05

Well...

I honestly have no ideal what happened to the post that disappeared. I'm guessing I deleted it accidently but...

Anyways, Lora and I are doing good. No fights. No anger. Nothing but love. That could change tomorrow but I'm sure that our relationship is strong enough to handle anything that comes at us.

Deadgrandma is still raggin' in my ear but I've learned to ignore her negative attitude. She never liked Lora. I don't really think she ever liked me. After my dad/her son died it seemed like she was always angry at me and my sisters. Like she was mad that my dad died and we didn't. When she died I wasn't sad about it. That's a sorry thing to say now that we're living in her house but this blog is about my true feelings and emotions and I can't change the way I am. I won't hide it either.

Hiding things like that tend to make me a little...crazy.

I'm working on a post describing the community I live in. It's a Gardnerian Wicca community and I really love living here. Just so you know, Wicca is NOT the oldest religion. It's a divergence of Paganism started in the 1950s. I'll talk more about that in my post and also post some pics of me in my Wiccan circle gown. I look SO very goofy wearing it but...

Below are my favorite set of pics. They've been posted in a few places already but not here I don't think. Lora calls them my crazy set.

Well, I have to go grocery shopping early tomorrow so I should get to bed soon.

Nite all.

2/25/05

YAY! YAY! YAY!

Lora is home. :) More about what happened later.

*Sara does the Snoopy dance*

2/23/05

:(

I'm finished crying for now.

Lora and I got into a big fight today. It started small and somehow it go too big to handle. We both started yelling and I said something to the effect of, "This is my house so just leave," or something like that. I really hurt her. The house has been in my family since it was built and sat empty for over a year till Lora and I moved into it TOGETHER. But in the heat of anger I made her feel like it wasn't her house also.

We've never had a fight like this before. I don't know how it got so out of control.

Lora packed a bag and left me. Now I'm alone and I feel like the world hates me. She went to her mom's and now she won't answer her cell phone. I think I fucked things up pretty bad as I usually do.

I love her with all my heart and soul and have no ideal how things got so out of control and now I don't know how to fix it.

I feel so lost.

Life...

...is unfair.

And right now I just want to die. :(

2/22/05

New Paris Hilton nudes!





2/18/05

This sucks

Apparently I have exceeded my photobucket bandwidth. So I'll be relinking some pics to another account this weekend.

I must be getting more than a few visitors. ^_^

THANK YOU, GUYS! :) My bandwidth being exceeded means you love me. :P

2/17/05

Blessedbe


It's dark here.

The air is cold and the wallgnomes are running around singing and dancing and telling me things that I don't want to don't need to hear. The little squiggly things are crawling all over my hands, trying to gnaw their way into my skin. Trying their damndest to get under my skin.

Deadgrandma is in the hallway outside my room walking back and forth past my door. Each time she passes she says something mean to me about Lora.

"She won't love you forever."

"There's someone else in her dreams."

"She thinks you're crazy."

Mean and hurtful things.

I think there's blood but I'm not sure. Sometimes I see blood when it's not there so I'm never sure. Once I cut my hand and thought I was imagining it. Lora freaked out when she saw me covered in blood. I didn't tell her that I thought it was all in my mind cause then she would know how dark it really is in there. Too dark for her, maybe.

She might have left me. Then I would be surely lost.

I can't get lost at this stage of my life. It's so dark that I don't think I would ever find my way back.

I have several reaccuring nightmares. The one I love most is the big gray house dream. Lora and I are living in a big old abandon gray house. All the windows are broken and there are spiders and bats everywhere. (Really, it's quiet beautiful in an astetic sort of way.)

We live on the hundredth floor of this house and whenever we come out of our room we have to avoid this huge hole in the hallway floor. We have to press our backs to the wall and scoot around the hole for it is so large that we can't see the other side of it.

It's a good dream all things considered. I have worse ones but to mention them here would make you all think I am completely insane. And I'm not.

Not completely.

I'm hearing things outside my window now. I should wake Lora but whenever I do she doesn't find anything and tells me to go to sleep. I lay there in the dark with my eyes wide open listening to the sounds that no one can seem to hear but me.

I think it might be the spirit of dogs come to haunt me for what I did when I was 16. I won't repeat it but if you go back and read some of my earlier entries you'll know what I mean.

I should go to bed now. The little squiggly things are eating each other and that's never a good sign of whats to come.

2/14/05

Pictorial history of wrestlers in Playboy!

Beulah!

Sable!

Chyna!

Kimberly!

Torrie!

And NEXT MONTH!!! CHRISTY HEMME!!!

2/11/05

More google hacks

I posted a few of these before and people commented plus I got several emails so here are more. I haven't tested them yet but the guys at the underground hackers board where I got them say they work well.

Appz:
Http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&q=%22parent+directory+%22+%2Fappz%2F+-xxx+-html+-htm+-php+-shtml+-opendivx+-md5+-md5sums

DVD Rips
Http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&q=%22parent+directory+%22+DVDRip+-xxx+-html+-htm+-php+-shtml+-opendivx+-md5+-md5sums

Xvid
Http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&q=%22parent+directory+%22Xvid+-xxx+-html+-htm+-php+-shtml+-opendivx+-md5+-md5sums

Gamez
Http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&q=%22parent+directory+%22+Gamez+-xxx+-html+-htm+-php+-shtml+-opendivx+-md5+-md5sums

mp3
Http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&q=%22parent+directory+%22+MP3+-xxx+-html+-htm+-php+-shtml+-opendivx+-md5+-md5sums

More about my bear!

As I said below...

Lora got me a "Crazy for You" bear today. It's the one wearing the straight jacket. :D So I dug out my straight jacket(everyone should have one)put it on, grabbed my bear and headed across the street to the center to see who was around.

There was a time when Lora would have went with me but now she has this THING about being seen in public with me when I'm wearing the straight jacket. She has NO problem when we put on fairie wings and go dancing around the community but the straight jacket thing just seems to be too much for her. Go figure. :roll:

So after going in the center and finding nobody there of interest(the people that were there were playing cards and just looked at me like I was crazy.)I decided to walk around the corner to drunk Jacob's house to show him my new bear. I walked in the door and he handed me a rolled up sandwich bag.

"What's this?" asks I.

"Thats what you're here for." Answers he.

Just then Lora walks in. She had called him for weed and he thought I was there to pick it up. He and Lora went in the kitchen( To smoke weed I'm assuming.) so I picked up his cat and left. Jacob has this standing lamp sitting next to his front door so on the way out I turned it on and put it right outside his door on the porch just to mess with him a little. I looked back at his house when I got down the street a little and his porch looked kinda cool lit up with the lamp.

I stopped back in the center to see if anything had changed. When I walked in I heard the people there laughing so I KNOW they were talking about me. (Its not paranoia if they're REALLY talking about you!) So I just hit the light switch and walked out the door to shouts of "HEY" behind me.

Next I went thru my backyard to get to Annalara's garden. She has a tiny little greenhouse with flowers that bloom all year. I grabbed a few of the purple and white ones and (because of the cat in one arm and my bear in the other)I stuffed them in the front of my straight jacket. It was kinda rough because I'm guessing drunk Jacob never had a live plant in his house before and the cat was going a little nuts over the flowers.

I also put on Annalara's gardening hat. It's a straw one with these really ugly flowers on it and I don't know why I put it on but I did. Then I went to the stables to check on Wyldwynd. He was of course happy to see me. So I climbed on his back and we were walking aroung the stables when my step-dad came in. :?

Y'know, I do a lot of strange things and people usually just ignore me because of the lack of sanity, but when my step-dad came in and saw me sitting on the horse wearing my straight jacket, with my teddy bear(also wearing a straight jacket)sitting there with me, drunk Jacob's cat in my arms, flowers stuffed down my top and wearing that ugly straw hat, it was kinda insulting that he just shook his head then closed the door and went back into his house.

So I went back to my house and drunk Jacob was there looking for his cat. He rushed at me and grabbed the cat like he was afraid I was going to eat it or something saying, "Oh my widdle baby. Did the crazy girl hurt you."

That's all. Lora is downstairs smoking weed with her friends and I'm back online.

That's all.

2/10/05

YAY!^_^

Lora got me a "Crazy for You" bear! It's the one wearing the straight jacket!

She knows me sooooooo well. :P

2/8/05

Today...


I fought with Lora today. She was trying to get me out of bed, and to go into town with her. Shopping at the mall or somesuch thing. I told her that I only wanted to stay in bed and watch tv. She countered that with a slightly raised voice and a smidge of anger thrown in, "You can't stay in bed forever, Sara."

I, stupidly, gave her the you-don't-know-what-it's-like-to-be-me speach, and she got upset and left the room. She came back in a few minutes later to get her keys and her face was red. I'd made her cry.

She's put up with me for three years. If anyone knows what it's like, it's her. I never should have said those things to her. It was selfish and stupid and she deserves so much better.

Dead grandma hasn't been around since I started taking the new meds. Probably that's for the best. I didn't like her when she was alive but I think I'll miss her now that she's gone. I guess it's that way a lot in life. Monsterhead stopped talking to me, too.

Its been very quiet inside my head. No voices means more sane Sara I guess. It's lonelier but better for me and everyone else. Now my biggest problem is that I'm sleeping all day again and staying up all night. Lora is a morning person so our time together usually has me sitting here online while she sleeps on the bed behind me.

I have to stop typing now. Lora just got home and I'm going to fix her dinner and sit with her for awhile. Hopefully she's not mad anymore.
More later...

2/7/05

I am in need...

...of nude lesbian oil wrestling.

If you've watched the one I linked below, you'll see why. I am becoming fully addicted to it and NEED MORE! So if anyone has any links...^_^

Here is a new way to google search...

****************************************

google Searches

METHOD 1

Put this string in google search:

?intitle:index.of? mp3

You only need add the name of the song/artist/singer.

Example: ?intitle:index.of? mp3 jackson

You can also change the mp3 to wmv, avi, vid, videos, ect depending on what you're looking for. This string works best.

Example: ?intitle:index.of? wmv wrestling

METHOD 2

Put this string in google search:

parent directory /appz/ -xxx -html -htm -php -shtml -opendivx -md5 -md5sums

parent directory DVDRip -xxx -html -htm -php -shtml -opendivx -md5 -md5sums

parent directory vid -xxx -html -htm -php -shtml -opendivx -md5 -md5sums

parent directory Gamez -xxx -html -htm -php -shtml -opendivx -md5 -md5sums

parent directory MP3 -xxx -html -htm -php -shtml -opendivx -md5 -md5sums

parent directory Name of Singer or album -xxx -html -htm -php -shtml -opendivx -md5

Notice that I am only changing the word after the parent directory, change it to what you want and you will get a lot of stuff.

METHOD 3

Put this string in google search:

inurl:microsoft filetype:iso

You can change the string to watever you want, ex. microsoft to adobe, iso to zip, exe, avi, etc. I haven't used this string much so I can't really tell you how good it works.

***************************************************

I've tested the first search method and it works pretty good. Google seems to put a priority on porn but once you weed out all that you can fund some pretty interesting stuff.

2/4/05

Obscurity...


I opened a pack of lined paper this morning. College ruled, 100 sheets. I wrote the word "obscurity" over and over till all the paper was gone. That would be about 25,000 times.

Thank you Mr Bendis!

http://www.imagecomics.com/messageboard/viewtopic.php?t=90299&start=15

Nude lesbian oil wrestling. 13 mb; http://media.santoalt.com/101/101904/

I think the new meds are starting to take effect. I feel better.

BIG hug to everybody that commented while I was away. Coming back and seeing so many people posting made me SO happy.


I wish I was her.


More this weekend...<3<3<3

2/1/05

Despair

On January 4th, 2005, Lora and I were in the kitchen having morning coffee together. She was telling me about what she was going to do that day. I was slightly listening and slightly daydreaming at the same time. Without saying a word, I got up, went upstairs, got in bed, and stayed there for three weeks.

I'll try to explain this as best I can but most probably won't understand.

See, I felt this sudden overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Pure 100% despair. I thought about life and how fucked up I am. About how strong Lora is and how much she was going to do with her life. About how I do absolutely nothing and have a blinding fear of whats outside my window, and I just gave up. I lay in bed all that time, getting up only to use the bathroom when I couldn't hold it any more, and that was it. Annalara brought me food that I would eat but couldn't taste. Lora comforted me as best she could. My step-dad tried to talk to me to find out what was wrong, but nothing anyone said or did helped me at all.

I finally agreed to check into Newman Clinic for a few days with Lora hoping something could be done for me. After three days, the doctors upped my meds, called my theropist with the details, and said I should go home and try to find something that would attract my attention. Something that would make me feel better about life and myself.

The day I came home I posted the message below this one and tried to net surf a little to see if it would help. Lora came in and found me crying at my desk. I got offline and back in bed. Yesterday I woke up and went out to the pond behind my house and sat there for a few hours. Then I went to the stables and was going to go riding. I decided not to.

I'm still having major problems but the meds are helping things. The realization that I probably won't last for more than ten years before I either kill myself or go completely insane still sits heavy on my mind and I know theres nothing I can do to change it.

I'm trying but it's hard. I know I'm hurting Lora by being this way but my body and mind feel so very tired and I just want to lay down and sleep all the time. It feels like nothing can break me out of this. I want to be normal but can't. My mind won't let me. No matter how much I wish it were different.

Thankx to everyone for the kind words and for caring about me. I will try to get back online soon but there is darkness in my soul that is overwhelming me and I fear the end might be soon and sudden. I just don't have the strength to fight anymore and it feels like all of the light is gone.

I'm sorry.