This is me...

I was born in Chicago in 1985. When I was eight we moved here to the community because my dad was tired of raising three daughters in a big city. That same summer I was standing on the docks of the Mississippi river in Clat-Adams Park waiting for my dad to come and get me. He was boating in the river and promised he would let me ride with him. I had never been on a boat before.

I stood there waiting and watching him in the boat. He was going really fast and having a lot of fun. Another boat came racing out of the cove and slammed into him. I saw wood and water explode and my father died. This event affected me in ways I cannot describe. I've never gotten over it and it started the fall my mind has taken into darkness. I still have never been on a boat and probably never will.

My mother, a very loving and giving woman, was there for me and tried her best to make my world right, but things were beyond her reach.

Four years later she married the greatest man I have ever met. My step-father was completely at peace with himself. He never judged and always did what was right in his heart. If there is a better man alive I don't think I'll ever meet him. He said things to me that helped more than any meds ever could. I will always love and worship him for the person he is.

Last year my mother died of overian cancer. It broke my step-father. It took all the light out of his heart. Seeing that hurt me almost as much as my mother's death. Knowing that I didn't have the words to help him the way he helped me was a horrible thing. He never left her side for more than a few hours while she was dying and was there holding her hand when she died.

He left Quincy a few months later. I think he would have died if he hadn't left. He took my baby brother and stayed away for nearly six months before he returned in October of this year. He looked so old when he came back. He is still the loving and giving man he always was but his heart is broken and that will never change. I would die for him if I thought it would make him better. But I know nothing will.

Three years ago a girl told me she had a crush on me. Her name is Lorabelle Tempest Riley and she told me that she had never felt attracted to anyone before. Not any guy or girl. I was her first crush. Lora had a hard life growing up. Her dad left when she was three and her mom was a drunk. She grew up dirt-poor and pretty much raised herself. It made her into a very strong person. I feel so special knowing that I'm the first and only person she has ever been in love with.

I live in a Gardnerian community just outside of Quincy, Illinois. The community was founded just after the American civil war. The housse I live in is the one my dad grew up in. It's been in our family since my great-grandfather built it in the very early 1900s. It's called the McCullough House afer my family name; McCullough. Thats the name I was born with. Sara Jane McCullough.

My step-father's family has been here since the community was founded also and his family home, the Poe House, is right next door. I lived there for nearly ten years. My step-dad adopted me and my younger sister years ago, hence my new last name. Sara Jane Poe. I'm very proud of my name. I was proud of the McCullough name, too, but after my father died I didn't feel it was mine any more. I don't know if that's disrespectful but thats the way it is.

My grandmother lived in this house since she was born. She was very mean to us girls. I think she was mad at us because her son died. She died two years ago and the house sat empty for a year till Lora and I moved into it. My dead grandmother still lives here. Not as mean as before but still very much an old grouch. She complains about everything and I sit and listen because nobody else can. Or will.

By the time I was 15 I was slightly insane. I started doing some very self destructive things and things that were hurtful to other people. My neighbor's dog barked all night so I poisoned it. This action was the cause of me being put in Newman Clinic. The "ward for troubled teens." I was there for a week, escaped, went back, was classified as a manic depressant with slight schitzoid tendenacies. The meds usually take care of that, tho.

Usually.

I have two horses, two cats, a tarantula, and over ten thousand comic books. My dad collected comic books and when he died they all went to me. Believe it or not, other than my step-dad, I mostly credit Spider-man with my sanity. Spider-man never faultered in his beliefs. Never gave in or gave up. I've read hundreds of Spider-man stories and the strength he has made me feel better about myself and the world. That might sound silly but thats how it is.

My two sisters live next door in the Poe House. Analie is 21 and Laura is 16. Analie was in college at Western Illinois University but when my mom died she decided to come home to help out with my little sister and baby brother. Thats the same reason Lora and I didn't go away to college when we graduated in June. We decided to put it off for a year. My step-dad bought us the Fifth Street Resale Shop before he left town so we would have a steady income coming in. Lora works there with Analie. They run the place together and it does pretty well.

Not that she needs to work because my step-dad also left us a huge bank account. So maybe I'm not crazy, just escentric. I don't know for sure.

Well, that's me. Sara Jane Poe. Nothing more.

Wrestling with Sara!

I do a wrestling news column at the Bendis Board every week and I thought I would post the link here this week for those of you interested in wrestling.
http://www.imagecomics.com/messageboard/viewtopic.php?t=80405

Sorry Kubiak...

I've been working on a long adventure post(with pics) but it's not ready yet. Soon. And thanks for the link to those water markers but they're all trial versions. Trial versions=the suck.

Lora is over her cold. She is going to spend the christian holiday with her mom. She always feels guilty about leaving me behind but doesn't understand that since I've NEVER celebrated Christmas it's really no big deal. I'm Gardnerian and we celebrated the Winter Solstist (Called Yule.) today.

The community had it's usual festival only this year it's kinda warm so most of it was held outside in the ceremonial field behind the community center. Lora and me spent most of the day there. I came home around 9pm with a headache and slept till 2:30am. It's 3:30am now and I can't get back to sleep.

Godzilla is on the SciFi channel and Lora is asleep behind me in our bed. The window is open next to me and I have all the lights off. I'm sitting here wrapped in a blanket, wearing nothing but a t-shirt.

I'll probably stay up all night because we're going to the mall at 9am. I hate the mall and don't like going this time of year because of the crowds. I hold Lora's hand tight whenever we go because she can push her way thru all the people.

Hey, Leglas, if you're reading this leave me a message. I haven't heard from you in a while and I'm worried. :(

Okay, I'm going to stop writing now. I feel like having a bowl of coco pebbles and then maybe I'll write more as I am in a writing mood. ^_^

The DarkSoulz

So this is what I've been working on for a few months. Mermaid Egg mentioned that I should storyboard my silents, so I thought I would show this.

I've done a lot of work on this and hopefully I'll be posting some stories early next year.^_^

So...

Today was a good day. The first good day in a while.

I'm making dolls again. They're called "silents." Actually, I spent 17 hours straight making them during my recent bout with mania. The compulsive repetitiveness of making them helped keep me more or less focused.

Me and Lora slept till noon today. We had a great night. We drank a bottle of wine then made love. I'm trying to talk her into letting me post some pics of her here but a couple pic thieves stole her face once before so she's VERY leary about it.

I'm still looking for a good water marker so I can post more of myself.

So after we finally got out of bed we went into town to get some things. I bought more clothespins because I've noticed that there are some things around the house that haven't been pinned yet. Lora doesn't mind me pinning things as long as I don't overdo it.

We came home because Lora was feeling ill. We think she's coming down with a cold. I'll have to take care of her while she's sick. ^_^ I love doing that. I don't like her being sick but when she is she stays right here in bed for days while I take care of her every need. I wish it could be that way more often but Lora isn't a home-body. She likes being out in the world where things are happening.

So Lora ate part of her dinner then went to bed. She's been sleeping on and off since around 7pm. It's almost midnight and I'm getting ready to crash. Just thought I'd jot down my boringly sane day. Sometimes I think I should stop taking my meds just for entertainment purposes'.^_^

And I'm working on a blog sig. (see below)

What happened?

I've read the emails and messages at my private board and just wanted to respond to everyone in one post.

Last weekend was the anniversary of my mom's death. My friend Eric died on Friday. I was having a VERY hard time dealing with these two events and stopped taking my meds in hopes it would make the weekend disappear from my memory. I meant to start taking them again on Monday but it didn't happen that way.

So if I insulted anyone please forgive me and understand that sometimes I can't control my actions. I'm not using this as an excuse, just wanting everyone tounderstand that I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

.....

Lora kept asking me if anything was wrong today. I told her no, but my head won't stop hurting. It's been hurting for days now and my concentration is nill. I having a hard time thinking straight. Annalara came by this morning because we were supposed to go into town together but I don't remember agreeing to this. I went anyway and just pretended I had forgotten.

I felt like taking a double dose of my meds this morning. I just wanted today to be normal. I didn't want to hear the humming sound thats been ringing in my ears since Sunday. I didn't want my head to hurt all day AGAIN, and I wanted to enjoy the day with Lora. Instead I spent most of the day sitting in the attic doing absolutely nothing except staring at the walls. Lora came home and found me there and asked me if I was feeling okay. She can always tell when it's bad for me.

I try to hide it from her because I don't want her to worry but she knows. She's been dealing with it for three years now. I'm so worried she'll just get so sick of me that she will leave me for someone she can have a normal relationship with. I would die without her. I'm lost enough as it is, without Lora I think i would definately be heading back to Newman Clinic for an extended stay.

I need to sleep now. Hopefully it will make my headache go away.

More later.

Not a good night!

i'm home alone. things feel weird tonight and i don't know why. i keep hearing shit that don't make sence. i feel like someone is in the house watching me. i wish lora would come home because my head is hurting and i don't like this feeling of sadness that's sweeping over me. i keep thinking about how much eric loved Buffy and how glad i am that he got to see every episode of buffy and angel before he died. that makes no sence i know but my head hurts and thinking straight isn't high in the agenda tonight.

i should get offline but i'm afraid if i do then whomever is in the house will show themselves and that would be bad.

my head hurts

This will be a very bad weekend.

My friend Eric died. Read the post below this one to find out who he was. I'm still in complete shock over this.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my mom's death.

I didn't take my meds today and won't be taking them tomorrow. Hopefully that will cause this weekend to be nothing but a blurr so I don't have to live with the memory.

Any thing posted on this blog after this and before Monday should be ignored.

In Memorium!

From "The White Room"

*************************************
Guys, the tragic has happened..
It is with great sadness that I write this..

Sometime earlier today, our fearless leader, Eric Alan Ivins, passed away.

The details are still a little uncertain from my perspective at the moment, so I'll refrain from posting any specifics until I know better. Needless to say, e. was going through a rough spot lately.

He will be profoundly missed.


Condolences may be sent to:

Frank Ivins
26 Graceford Drive
Aberdeen, MD 21001
http://p204.ezboard.com/fthewhiteroom3210frm1.showMessage?topicID=301.topic

********************************

Eric was the webmaster and creator of the official Blair Witch Project website and helped created the media craze the film enjoyed BEFORE it was ever released. He created The White Room message board for fans of Buffy the Vampire slayer. He was a very friendly and intelligent man whom I called my friend. I will miss him so much.

Sara's 10 Rules of Life!

1. Murphy's Law; If somehing can go wrong, it probably will.

2. Well behaved women don't make history.

3. Teddy bears aren't so scarey once you've watch your cat hump one a few times.

4. Don't believe everything you think.

5. Never cut what you can untie.

6. She who collects the most toys, still dies.

7. There is nothing there in the dark thats not there in the light.

8. Fear what's in the light.

9. Some days it's just not worth gnawing thru the straps.

10. The enemy is fear. We think it is hate, but it is fear.

Not good:(

I took this a few months ago and scored about the same. I was hoping that my results would improve but no such luck. At least they haven't gotten much worse.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Very High
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Darksoulz

Please comment. If you don't want to hurt my feelings then just don't leave your name, but I need honest feedback on this. Thankx:)

kitty^_^

I also had a great ideal for a book...

It went like this...

***The story of a man, who did something spectacular waaaaaaay back when. a book was written about this man and his decendents (some of which also did spectacular things.) over two thousand years. the last in the recorded lineage of this man was the most spectacular and also his was the last story told in the book.

This planet's civilization was based on that book and the amazing adventures within.***

So Lora read it and said, "Hey, isn't this about the bible?"

So I dropped the whole ideal

An apology:(

I just want to apologize to anyone I emailed and/or insulted yesterday. It was a crazy day and I shouldn't have been online. Several people have emailed me telling me I musta forgot my meds. So If you were one of the recipiants then just ignore please. :(

Mermaid Egg!

Thank you for that. It was hauntingly beautiful. Reminded me of Michelle Branch. I'll keep it close to me.:)

I tried to check out your blog but it doesn't exist. :\ Are you going to remain mysterious or tell me who you are? :)

Sara's Insanity!

Before reading this post please read the one below it. Thank You.

S'ok, now you know where my thoughts are at. I've become almost obsessed with Jessica Dolin. I think she would have liked that. :\ Anyways, my insanity stretches back to for as long as I can remember. My therapist thinks it started when I was eight. It was my first year in Quincy(we had moved from Chicago) and I was standing on the banks of the Mississippi River when I saw my dad die in a boating accident.

It's something I've always had a problem talking about but of late it's been easier. It effected me profoundly, making me absolutely hate going outside. It also sparked a darkness inside of me that I proudly display to this day.

I had my first lesbian experiance when I was 12. My best friend, Kay, and me were curious about each other so one night she was sleeping over and it just happened. This pic was taken the very next day.

Notice how I'm all up on her, but she's sitting normal. Our experiance was a life change for me. I never had been attracted to guys before that, and the experiance pretty much made up my mind about my sexuality. I did have a boyfriend when I was fifteen, but it was a peer presure thing and didn't last.

Sara at 15.
The pic below was taken right before my stay at the "ward for trouble teens" at Newman Clinic.

The pic below is Lora's favorite. It's me on our prom night. She took it as I was talking to my dead grandmother in the mirror.

People that think I'm crazy can now look deep into my eyes and see for yourself if there is madness in there.

Well? Your opinion?

Scared now...

**"Sometime in the darkest hours of May 14, after putting away the groceries from WinCo and watching some old episodes of the X-Files, Jessica Dolin descended the creaky staircase into the basement of her North Portland bungalow, lit a candle and arranged nine Tarot cards in an upside-down cross, with the card of Justice at the intersection. Then she swallowed a handful of sleeping pills, slit her wrists with a paring knife and tied a plastic bag over her head. Her girlfriend discovered her crumpled, lifeless body by the washing machine the following afternoon. She was 29 years old."**

I read this and felt sad for her.

**"Jessica Dolin suffered from bipolar disorder, better known as manic depression--a disease so devastating that approximately 10 percent of its victims kill themselves, according to the American Psychiatric Association."**

I read this and began to feel very scared for myself. I was diagnosed as a manic depressiant when I was 16. I've always joked about my mania, saying that I would probably be completely insane by the time I'm 25. Now I'm worried that I'll do something extreme like this.

I don't want my Lora to find me dead by my own hand in the basement one day.

I don't know if I can stop it either. Sometimes my mind goes haywire and I have trouble controling what I do. Sometimes things that are normal seem strange to me. And sometimes I just feel like screaming till all the pain goes away. I get so tired of pretending that it doesn't hurt.

I wish I had someone close that understands these things. Most people don't believe that I see the things I see, or they think I act the way I do to get attention. BELIEVE ME, the last thing I want in life is attention. I just want to be myself, but that's becoming harder and harder all the time.

Sometimes things are okay, and I can live a normal life. Sometimes they get really bad, and life is anything but normal. I don't see how Lora puts up with it. She is so strong and loves me so much. My heart aches every time I think about how much I love her. I'm so scared that I'll hurt her one day being selfish.

Sometimes I just feel so lost.

Jessica Dolin lasted till she was 29 years old. I'm hoping to last longer. If you really want to know whats inside my head, read the site Jessica's sister put up. It decribes Jessica's fall into madness well.

For some reason my blog won't let me put links so just copy and paste the link below...please look at the site.
http://www.catchingadarkness.com/essay1.html

Smiles!:) Bats and bloodflys fluttering on a foggy night!

Babies crying. :)

Red candles. :)

Snow! :)

Coyote's howling. :)

Stepping on broken lightbulbs! :)

Today is a happy day. I feel good. Lora's friend Amy is here and she's so sweet. Special thankx to Toufue Lo from the Bendis Board. You're the only one that replied to my last post and after meeting Amy, I felt the same way.:)

Anyways, today is a happy day. I took my meds on time this morning and am feeling pretty durn good about life. I had an excellent nightmare last night.

Lora and me were living in this old gray house. It looked like it had been abandoned for years. I never got to see the outside of it but the inside was cold and decrepid. Paint was peeling off the walls, plaster lay in piles on the floor, and I think there was a huge hole going through all three floors and the roof cause the middle of every room looked like it had a sunroof. Like a huge beam of light was shining right on the center of the floor.

The third floor was a square hallway with doors on each wall and a huge hole in the floor so big that we had to press our backs against the wall and scoot around it to get to the stairs. One of the doors led to our bedroom.

The bedroom looked like one I saw in a movie once. Naked walls with a matrice on the floor. No curtain on the only window. Just an old piss-yellow shade. The matrice had a dirty looking sheet and two pillows on it.

I woke up wanting to be there. To be there in that room, on that matrice, getting up and walking over to raise the piss-yellow shade and looking out to whatever world I was living on. I wish I was brave enough for something like that.

Instead I sit here in this room, surrounded by comforts and eye pleasures, exploring more and more of the cyberworld with the click of the mouse. Pictures on a screen aren't enough to make up for it.

Sounds sad but those are really happy thoughts.

'Nuff said.

Sara Poe...racist???

Lora told me this morning that an old friend of her's is coming for a visit. A girl she grew up with that moved away from Quincy a few years ago. She asked me if it was okay that the girl stayed tomorrow (Saturday) night here. "Of course," says I. "Why would you think it not?"

"Well," says she. "The girl is black."

"So," say I. "I have black friends."

"Who?" She asks.

...:?

Ok, let me just say that Quincy has only 38,000 people and only 4% of those are black. Plus, I don't even live in the city, but about a half mile north of it, and never really spent much time there other than school, where I was pretty much a loner. So when it comes to the friends department I have very few as it is. I do know some black people but thinking about it, I really don't KNOW any black people.

So now I'm worried about this girl thats coming to stay with us. How do I act around her? What do I say so as NOT to sound too white? I've realised that I know absolutely nothing about black people. Mainly because I've never thought about it. People have always been just people to me. Until Lora hit me with that "she's black" thing. Now I'm confused and not knowing how to feel about this.

Does my ignorance, and now my uncertainty, make me a racist in some way?

There aren't any black people here in the community. I don't ever remember having a black person in my house before. I lived next door for ten years and never once do I remember any black people being there. And the year I've lived here in dead grandma's house hasn't been any different. I've never personally heard anyone I know say anything racist. (Then again it's hard to hear what people say when I refuse to go out much to interact with them.)

Lora grew up in Harrison Hills. The Hills, as we call it, is a government housing project and is about 50% black (which is probably most of the black people in Quincy.) so I know my baby has had black friends and doesn't have a racist bone in her body. (She's more of the "To Serve Man' is a lesbian cookbook" kinda gal.)

So I'm thinking, "she asked me because she thinks I might be a bigot?" Or maybe she just wasn't sure how I felt about it. Which would mean that after three years together she doesn't know me as well as I thought she did. Or maybe she knows me better than I know myself?????

I embarris her enough as it is. I don't want to do it tomorrow in front of her friend. Staying in the bedroom the whole time she's here would be WAY too rude and I wouldn't do Lora that way.

I'm really iffin' about this whole thing. I don't want to talk to Lora about it because she would feel bad. She's been depressed enough since the election.

Not quiet broken...

Survived another week of near mania. My mind hasn't been right lately so I've kept myself from replying on message boards and to emails. I did some crazy shit here at home and Lora is kinda upset with me.

She called me spooky. :(

See, I tried to make Jack (BKA Monsterhead, from my earlier posts. YES, he talked me into letting him out of the closet.) a body. This way I wouldn't have to carry him room to room while we were trying to have a conversation.

So I got some boards that were about three feet long and 2 inches square. I nailed them together as best I could but I'm SO not a carpenture and it kept falling apart. So I took Lora's dress maniquen(that's not spelled right and I don't care.)and put a board thru one shoulder and out the other so it would have arms. Then I put my black leather trench coat and black top hat on it. A glove on each end of the board and it looked pretty damn cool.

Lora got a little freaked about it and won't let it in the bedroom while she's sleeping. Which is usually my computer hours so my friend Jack has to sit by himself in the spare bedroom way down at the end of the hall at night. Whenever I go downstairs to get coffee or munchies he calls out to me.

"Sara," he says. "Let me out. She'll never know. You can put me back before she wakes in the morning."

I tried to get dead grandma to sit in there with him ( HA! The conversations they would have!) but she keeps telling me that he's not real and I should just quit it.

I really hate her sometimes.

I'll be posting more tonight about my week. Right now Lora is home and she needs my attention since she's been depressed Kerry lost the election. Laterzzzzz>>>>>>>>>

HAVE A GREAT SAMHAIN!!!

We've got a lot of out of towners here in the community this weekend cause we're having a HUGE festival. So we're at the community center (which is almost directly across the street from my house.)for this big luncheon and my "archenemy" Erica was there. I have nothing against her but she hates me with a passion. (Mainly because she couldn't get her damn dog to stop barking all night, and I did.)
So we have these long tables lined up and I'm between two of them helping to serve people. Erica decides that she wants to be between the same two tables as me. With people sitting at the tables theres not much room, especially for two people. So we bumped butts. She gave me a dirty look and I just ignored her. A minute later we bumped butts again and she almost dropped the tray she was carrying. She mumbled something under her breath and I ignored her again and walked back into the kitchen.
She follows me and as soon as we got in the kitchen she starts yelling at me. I said, "Why don't you just shut up, bitch, and stay out of my way." (Okay, none of that came out of my mouth but I heard myself say it in my head. :? ) Lora stepped between us. :)
She told Erica, in the sweetest little street voice ya ever heard, "You best get out her face." I turn around to get another tray, thinking it was all over, and just like that they started fist fighting. :( Right there in the kitchen in front of everyone! Erica got on top of Lora and was hitting her. So I grabbed her by her hair and was trying to pull her off of Lora cause YOU JUST DO NOT TOUCH MY BABY LIKE THAT! So Erica punched me right in the nose. :(
It was kinda funny cause, while I didn't feel it(I'm definately feeling it now, tho.) I stumbled back a couple steps and then fell back right on my butt. Some guys in the kitchen jumped in and broke it up before anything else happened and all three of us were sent home and can't attend the festival tonight.
I'm hoping it's all over but Lora has such a temper. Right now she's on an adrenaline high and is doing massive house cleaning. My nose stopped bleeding but it hurts like hell. I don't think it's broken but I have a dark spot under my left eye. I think it's going to turn black. :( I'm going to go help Lora clean and try to calm her down now. (Good face usually does that. :P ) I just wanted to write this down while its fresh in my memory.
Laterz!

bad day today:(

Hard times and hard ways to go. I feel absent. The little squiggly things in my head won't sit still and my brain feels like it's going to explode with emotion if I don't find some kind of release. I keep thumping keep thumping keep thumping my head against the wall but to no avail. They won't stop being little squiggly things. They won't stop talking to me.

I've turned off all the lights, taken all the curtains down and opened all the windows. It feels cold and adandoned. Like I'm sitting in a big deserted room and the only reality is the screen in front of me. I feel that way all the time. Cold and abandonded and my only reality is in a world so close yet so impossible to reach with anything but my eyes and my fingertips. The darkness is upon me again and I think soon I shall go insane.

I hear things shuffling in the dark room around me. They come into view for only a moment. I catch just the slightest glimps of them out the corner of my eye and then they're gone. I'm so tired of being here.

They don't understand can't understand WON'T UNDERSTAND what they're doing to me and even if they do they just don't care. I yell shout SCREAM at the top of my lungs but no sound comes out of my mouth. I ask them to stop ask them to be quiet ask them to just go away but it only makes them tease me more and no matter how much I try to shut them out they're just too strong and I know they will win in the end. They always win in the end.

I've alienated all except my one true love. If the madness doesn't stop I'll eventually drive her away, too. Old people and drunks are my only friends. People who are so use to dealing with insanity and ones too out of it to care. I feel like the cold is the only thing stopping my mind from rotting away. Freezing it so the darkness can't chip it's way thru the ice to get at me. I'm frozen in a world of darkness surrounded my things that go bump in the night. And there's no escape going outward. The only way to get away from them is to draw myself further and further inward, but it's so dark and cold in there. So dark and cold inside my mind.

I don't know how she puts up with me. The truest love of my life is so strong but only because she has to be. For both of us. Because I can't be. I can taste her now. Butterscotch. She lingers on my lips for hours after we kiss. Her scent stays with me forever. Lilac or honeysuckle. Something so sweet and beautiful that it really has no description. No description that can be put into words at least. My love taste like butterscotch and smells of lilac. Thick on my lips and sweet to my sences. And strong enough to hold back the darkness. Without her I would surely be lost.

The little squiggly things are screaming now. Trying to push their way thru the ice and burrow into my mind. They like it there. They like the darkness.

Autumn

Autumn. The smell of decay is in the air and I feel refreshed. The days are dark and cloudy and short. The nights are cold and I feel like the weight of Summer has been lifted from my shoulders. The Samhain festival that our community puts on every year starts this week. I can't wait.

Everyone here is preparing for Winter like it's a thing to be avoided but in my heart I feel a happiness that only comes this time of year. I feel guilty for this.

I miss my mom so much. She loved the Fall. She use to go outside with me to play in the dead leaves and laugh at people when they asked her if she were crazy. "No, just my daughter," she would joke, and we would both laugh when they gave us strange looks.

Last year she was dying of cancer and should have stayed in the hospital for treatment. Treatment that would have helped her live longer. But she wouldn't miss the festival. She spent as much time as she could enjoying what she knew would be her last Autumn on Earth. Her choice.

My worst memory of her happened on All Hallow's Eve. She had been outside enjoying the festival. I was sitting in my room looking out the window at her when she stumbled. My step-dad was right there to make sure she didn't fall. I couldn't hear what they were saying but I could tell that he was asking her if she were alright. She must have said no because he took her by the arm and helped her back into the House.

I never saw her go back outside after that.

I'm still not ready to relive what happened over the next month. My mom was a very strong and independent woman and I'll always remember that she kept a half package of coco in the fridge because she knew I like my cup of hot coco extra chocolatie. She would put a pack and a half in my cup then save the other half pack for me for next time.

She died on December 5th. My step-dad told me that she had stopped breathing twice during the night while she slept. The third time she never started again. He was there the entire three weeks she was in the hospital. I love him so much for being there with her. It broke him the way I've never seen anyone broken before. My step-dad is a good man and he loved my mother so much. I don't think he'll ever love another woman again. He's dedicated his life to raising my little brother to make sure he grows up to be a good man like him. I know he'll succeed.

I sit now and wait for the Fall to begin. The new year is upon us and it's a time for rebirth. A time to begin anew. It's what my mom would have wanted.

People say I'm a little bit crazy. I just laugh at them and say, "I know."

Mutant Enemy Closes Shop. Sara is sad:(

I guess this means no Buffy or Angel movies.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" creator Joss Whedon is done with TV -- for now.

Twentieth Century Fox TV has approved Whedon's request to halt his overall deal at the studio, effectively shuttering his Mutant Enemy production shingle.
Besides wanting to focus on his feature career, Whedon said he decided to take a break from TV because, quite simply, he had run out of series ideas.
"I spent a lot of time trying to think what my next series would be," Whedon said. "I couldn't think of anything. When that happens, it generally means something is just not working. I didn't feel like I could come up with anything that the networks would want."
Whedon had a little over a year left on his overall pact with 20th Century Fox TV. Under terms of his departure, the scribe can't work on TV projects anywhere else. And if Whedon decides to return to TV, 20th gets first dibs.
"It would be a lie to say that I'm not disappointed, because I will miss working with Joss," said 20th Century Fox TV prexy Dana Walden.
"Hopefully, sooner rather than later, he'll have an inspired TV idea that he can't help himself from doing. ... We're just glad that when he decides to do TV again, it will be with us."
The departure doesn't affect Whedon's film career; the scribe is not set up anywhere on the feature side.
Whedon currently is writing and directing the feature "Serenity," based on his short-lived Fox skein "Firefly." He also has an animated TV version of "Buffy" in the works; that project will continue to be developed.
Mutant Enemy is expected to close shop as soon as this week; departing are the label's handful of staffers, including company president Chris Buchanan, who's been with Mutant Enemy since 2002 and is exec producing "Serenity."
"My career has always gone through phases of swelling and shrinking," Whedon said. "It's just a different phase, but this is hopefully not the end of my TV career. There are a lot of people I won't be working with that I will miss."
Mutant Enemy will continue with Whedon as the sole proprietor.
Whedon's decision caught some insiders off-guard. Given 20th's tremendous success with "Buffy" and its spinoff, "Angel," Whedon has more than earned his keep at the studio. So it's conceivable he could have finished out his deal at 20th without developing anything new -- and without anyone at the studio minding.
But Whedon dismissed that idea.
"It's possible, but I'm not interested in taking money that I don't earn," he said. "And I found out from 'Firefly' that I'm not the kind of producer who can throw something up on the wall every year and see if it sticks."
Whedon said his decision also was helped by personal matters: His second child is due to be born shortly. And, Whedon admits, he's discouraged by TV's reality boom.
"I have a bitter taste in my mouth with where TV has gone in the past five years," said Whedon, who called TV's reality trend "loathsome."

Whedon got his start on laffers like "Roseanne" and "Parenthood" before turning his attention to features. Scribe's credits include "Speed" and "Toy Story," as well as the original film version of "Buffy."
"When we did the pilot of 'Buffy,' Joss' agent told us he'd be with the show for the first 13 episodes and then go back to his feature career," Walden said. "Given that we're hundreds of episodes of TV shows later, he's finally turning back to features. It would be unfair of me not to understand."

Sara says; "I've been puting off making a Buffy tribute for two years now due to not wanting it to be over, but now I guess it's time. I'll post it soon in the form of a website. Right now I need to cry."

Saddness!

The Bendis Board has been locked down again. This time it was over something very small. I think the writing is on the wall and my extreme attitude might not be welcome there anymore. I've restrained from posting much over the last couple of weeks because I saw how sensitive it was getting and I get banned a LOT from message boards. I didn't want to take the chance of getting banned there, too, but it looks like that was all for naught.

My desire to go there is almost gone. I don' think I'll be posting much anymore if I even post at all. I only get a few replies to what I post anyways so I probably won't be missed much. I like most of the peeps that go to the board and hate seeing this happen to them. Some are very upset about it. Was it fair to shut down the board? If it was shut down over one arguement then NO, it wasn't fair, but I get a strong feeling it was more than whats known.

So to my friends at the board that read this, I'll be here if you need me.

MKA Haters!

For all you Mary Kate and Ashley haters>>>
These girls are SCORCHING HOT! And for the record, there is absolutely nothing wrong with lesbian incest! Especially between TWINS!


(FAKE, but cool.)

I have officially joined...

The No More Bush Girls! Our mission, to make sure George Bush is NOT re-elected and to shave regularly!

Email problems.

For some urber-stupid reason yahoo won't let me access my email so if you want to reach me it's xsaraxpoex@gmail.com.

Girls<3

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I just LOVE lesbians!

Especially these two. Their pics can be seen here, http://www.kindgirls.com/index2.php?s=vg&dir=lenka_susha&nom=Lenka%20Susha&num=16&pub=hegre

Which would hurt worse???

This...


This...


Or this?

Home!

Quincy...little city that sits on a bluff 100 feet above the Mississippi River. The community I live in is just north of the city( circled in red.) The path I walk to the nearest store (the green dot.)is marked in yellow. The resale shop we own is in the uptown area, circled in blue. The two white lines are the bridges leading to Missouri and WAY down at the bottom is the Lock and Dam where every year around January, hundreds of American Bald Eagles converge because thats the only part of the Mississippi river that's not frozen. People come from all around just to watch them fish.

Quincy is the only city with more than a few thousand people for over a hundred miles. St Louis is 125 miles south and Chicago is 250 miles north.

He proved that a man could fly!

Goodbye, Christopher Reeve, you WILL be missed.

she sits quietly in the corner...

banging the back of her head against the wall but otherwise doing nothing to draw attention. the knife in her hand is sharp and she drags the blade across the floor making shapes and symbols that have no meaning. Or perhaps only no meaning to the sane.

she keeps hearing a "splat" sound behind her, then realises she only hears it when her head makes contact with the wall. Something warm and wet and thick is dripping down on her back.
The gnomes are dancing about the floor around her singing, "Cherish the darkness, and let us sort out the mess." Tho they never do and the mess just keeps getting bigger and bigger with each wet thud her head makes against the wall.
Little creatures that resemble flys buzz around her head landing on her ears every so often whispering horrible things to her. Dark and horrible things.
She gets up and walks over to the computer to see whats going on in the world. The red smears on the keyboard are invisible to her even tho they make her fingers slip and type the wrong letters. She wants to talk about fish but the K becomes a H followed by an E then a L and lastly a P.

The entire world is a bright screen in front of her surrounded by darkness smeared in red.
The wallgnomes won't stop singing.
"Cherish the darkness, and let us sort out the mess."
But they never do.

she wants to get inside the world but every time she tries her head hits the screen and leaves behind more invisible red marks that casts a pink hue on her face. She looks in the mirror and thinks, "one more pink thing for the wall." But the staple gun is downstairs so it'll have to wait for the morrow.

the fly creatures are crawling all over her hands now, making them itch but she can't scratch because the fly things are throwing up, then sucking the vomit back into their mouths and they look so peaceful and happy that she doesn't want to disturb them.

more wallgnomes have come out now. They're still singing and some are sitting in her lap while others are playing in the matted wet stickiness of her hair getting more and more tangled in it by the second. they start to pull and she wants to scream but that would make them leave and she would be alone.

she can't be alone right now.

the dog across the street keeps barking and although she knows how wrong it is to poson your neighbor's dog she's sorely tempted.

it caused a big problem last time.

the knife she left in the corner has come to sit in her lap next to the wallknomes and it's started talking to her. it never use to talk to her but its lonely now, too, and wants to go outside to play. perhaps with the neighbor's dog.

she looks at the Barbie dolls her mother bought her when she was little. they're on the wall next to the rotting pink things. she devised very imaginative ways to make sure they stayed on the wall.

One Barbie has a nail thru her chest. another she burned and melted just enough so it would stick. another is stapled to a cross and it looks like that savior everybody talks about so much. another is hung with a tight wire around her neck and yet another she banged so hard against the wall that now it's just legs sticking out of a hole. and what she did to Ken is too horrible to discribe in a public forum.

she has 19 more Barbies that sit in the bottom of her closet awaiting their fate. she knows one day they will come to life and seek revenge.

Barbie hell.

she's leaving now. going back to the corner to see if that sound is still behind her. hopefully the knife will follow and the wallgnomes will keep singing.

"tra la la lalala. cherise the darkness, and let us sort out the mess."
but the damn things never do.

depressed

My step-dad and little brother flew in today to surprise me for my birthday. yay, me. 19 now. My step-dad had a gift for me from my mom. She died in December and this is my first birthday without her and it hurts and I'm sad and don't feel like doing anything or even writing anymore.

blah

Depressed tonight. I want a real doll. ( http://realdoll.com ) But Lora doesn't want me to get one. It's NOT for sexual purposes cause, ew, but just so I have someone here with me while Lora is gone all day. But she says that I'll get crazy and start treating it like its real. (Remember the monster head in my "13 Days" post?) She said she'd come home one night and and I'd say something like, "Well, realdoll told me..." or something to that effect. I probably would tho. My brain doesn't seem to accept that such things aren't alive. Plus there are my crazy days when I seem to get reality blurred in with my imagination. That happens more often than I'd like.

They cost $5,000 for the cheap ones. Which isn't too bad when you consider that you'll have a friend for life! So when Lora finally gets tired of my insanity and leaves me I'd still have her, my realdoll. :) Plus, although I've never been into plastic, I'd REALLY like to examine her pussy just to see if it's really really real like.

Oh, well. If I get one I'll post nudies of her. :)

Sunny days

YAY ME AGAIN!!!

I won awards at the Bendis Board!! Brian Michael Bendis has a board and they have a yearly award thing, and I WON! Best newbie and best female poster! I RAWK!!!

Sprites by Sara Poe!

YAY ME!! I'm actually getting pretty good at making these little super-hero sprites!

Marvel Comics; Golden Age facts you might NOT know!

Martin Goodman, in the late 1930s, was a publisher of pulp magazines, including Complete Western Book, Star Detective, Uncanny Stories, Ka-Zar, and Mystery Tales. He was, like most publishers in the 1930s, looking for a new trend in the public's buying habits; Goodman was particularly desperate because his pulps were not successful. In August 1938 he started [b]Marvel Science Stories[/b], as a way to make money off of the boom, in the late 1930s, in science fiction pulp magazines, such as the now-legendary Astounding Science Fiction.---------------------------------------------Timely was originally known as the "Red Circle" group because of the logo that Goodman had put on his pulp magazines.---------------------------------------------The Sub-Mariner was NOT originally a Timely Comics character but had been developed for and appeared in First Funnies' "Motion Picture Funnies Weekly," a promotional magazine designed to be given away at movie theatres.---------------------------------------------Marvel Comics number one, (became Marvel Mystery Comics with issue number two.) not only brought the Sub-Mairner to Timely, but also introduced the Human Torch, Ka-Zar the Great (a holdover from Goodman's pulps), the Jungle Terror, and the Masked Raider and his horse Lightning, cover dated October 1939.--------------------------------------------The very first super-hero crossover was between Bill Everett's Sub-Mairner and Carl Burgos' Human Torch in Marvel Mystery Comics #8-10, with the first two issues ending in cliffhangers.---------------------------------------------More about the Sub-Mairner...he hasn't changed much since his first appearance, in being the only actual Marvel character that can be switched from hero to villian without his personaliy suffering. Namor has always walked the line between good and bad.----------------------------------------------Timely was a predominate Jewish company with Goodman, Simon, Kirby (Jacob Kurtzberg) and Stan Lee (Stanley Lieber) so when the Nazi party began being used as villians the name Hitler was changed to Hiller. Another reason was because Martin Goodman feared legal action for using the name. -----------------------------------------------Many think that Marvel Boy was a product of the fifties but was actually created by Simon and Kirby in Daring Mystery Comics #6. The Hellcat, Patsy Walker, is also a Golden Age character, and so is the Black Widow, USA Comics #5.-----------------------------------------------Captain America first appeared in Captain America Comics #1 cover-dated March, 1941, but was actually created over half a year earlier.-----------------------------------------------Captain America was not the first patriotic superhero in comics. That was Irv Novick's The Shield, who appeared in Pep Comics, starting in November or December 1939 (Pep Comics #1 had a January 1940 cover date. The Shield had been followed that February by Louis Cazeneuze's the Eagle, in Fox's Science Comics #1, a book which also featured a character called "Dr. Doom"). Timely was threatened with a lawsuit; a central part of their claim was that Captain America's triangular shield made him look like the Shield, who had a triangular shield on the front of his costume. Goodman agreed to change the look of Cap's shield, something that Kirby, for one, was happy about (he'd always preferred the round shield as being both more effective and a better design.)--------------------------------------------------Stan Lee's first published work was in Captain America Comics #3.-------------------------------------------------Marvel has ALWAYS had very strong ties to New York and it's people. The Young Allies were Bucky, Toro, and a group of kids from New York City: Knuckles, Whitewash, Tubby, and Jeff. Joe Simon got the idea for the book's name from Boy Allies, a favorite childhood book of his, and Kirby drew on his own experience, recreating in a comic book his neighborhood gang. Young Allies was the first of comic's "kid gang" books. (See Boy Commandos, Newsboy Legion and Lev Gleason's Little Wise Guys.)--------------------------------------------"Whitewash" was the name of Timely's first recurring African-American character.-------------------------------------------Some fans complain nowadays about comics with variant covers. But in fall of 1941 saw Human Torch Comics #5 - its second #5. Human Torch Comics #5 (the first one) had appeared in early summer of 1941, and, apparently, Goodman/Simon decided that a book with the #5 on the cover should have five issues published, so a second Human Torch Comics #5 appeared in the early fall. However, the second #5 was significant for more than just the repeated number; it featured a 64-page battle between the Human Torch and the Sub-Mariner, who (with his Atlantean army) was trying to destroy the surface world. This issue sold very well, and eventually became known as the Torch-Namor battle.-------------------------------------------Cool story about the Lee/Kirby team...
***Towards the end of 1941 Simon and Kirby had done ten issues of Captain America and made him Timely's most popular book; it was selling on a level only Superman and Batman could touch. Simon and Kirby were not, however, pleased with Timely. Both Simon and Kirby were acting as editors and art directors, and between those jobs and their work - not only for Timely, but for other companies (Kirby and Simon were continuing to work on Blue Bolt, for one) - their schedules were quite busy - Kirby was doing up to nine pages a day. Worse still, from their point of view, they were getting relatively little money, despite the popularity of Captain America Comics.
Then Morris Coyne, Timely's accountant, let Simon & Kirby know that, despite their contract with Goodman - Simon getting 15% of profits from Cap and kirby getting 10% - they still weren't getting their proper share, and that Goodman had been misleading them. (Coyne's reason for telling Simon and Kirby this was simple: he had holdings in the MLJ line of comics, and most likely thought that, if Simon & Kirby left Timely, they'd go to MLJ - whose publisher, John Goldwater, had once already tried to lure the pair away from Timely, during the meeting over the shape of Captain America's shield)
Naturally, Simon and Kirby were unhappy about this. They immediately got in touch with Jack Liebowitz, the publisher of National Comics. Liebowitz jumped at the chance to employ the pair, and he offered to double their salaries, to $500 a week. (To put this in prospective, the median salary, in 1941, was $2000 a year) Simon & Kirby agreed, continuing their work for Timely during the day while secretly doing pages for National at night.
Stan Lee grew suspicious and started investigating, quizzing Simon & Kirby and finally tailing them to the hotel where they worked on their pages for National. He grilled them on what they were doing, and after they swore him to secrecy they told him about their impending move to National.
Lee went to his uncle, Martin Goodman, and told him about Simon & Kirby's imminent departure. Goodman confronted the pair, and when they confessed, he fired them. We can only wonder how comics would have turned out had Goodman paid Simon and Kirby as they deserved; while we would never have seen their Guardian, the Sandman, the Newsboy Legion, the Boy Commandos, and the other characters they did for National and other companies, in all likelihood they would have produced work of equal or higher value for Timely.
With the departure of Simon and Kirby Timely was left without an Editor-in-Chief and an Art Director. Stan Lee took over both positions, completing his move from the bottom of the company, as gopher, to almost the top in less than a year's time.***----------------------------------------------In Krazy Komics #12 the entire Timely staff drew themselves into one story, which was not the first time that artists at Timely had placed themselves in a comic; that had taken place in an early issue of Marvel Mystery, where Bill Everett and Carl Burgos had appeared and argued the merits of the Human Torch and the Sub-Mariner. And in June, 1942, in Marvel Mystery Comics #34 (cover dated August 1942), Everett, Burgos, Martin Goodman, and the Funnies, Incorporated office appeared in a story and battled Hitler. So the practice Marvel adopted during the 1960s, of sometimes placing their staff into the stories themselves, actually dates back much farther than that.----------------------------------------------------At the beginning of 1943, in Captain America Comics #33, Captain America and Bucky announced, on the Sentinels of Liberty club page, that the war's metal shortage was such that Timely would no longer be giving away any more of the Captain America badges which new members of the Sentinels of Liberty received. Bucky suggested that the club members use their dimes to buy war savings stamps, instead. Timely then announced that for every dime their readers sent to the War Department, Timely would also send a dime. Although there's no way of knowing how much Timely's offer of matched contributions actually raised for the war effort, it was still a patriotic, and unprecedented, move.-------------------------------------------------During the Golden Age, Timely did something todays publishers seem afraid to do. They published books geered directly toward teen-age girls with Miss Fury (By Tarpe Mills, one of the rare female talents of the Golden Age.) the Blonde Phantom, Tessie the Typist, Namora, Sun Girl, Venus and Miss America Magazine with Patsy Walker, Millie the Model, and Nellie the Nurse. These comics were largely the creation of Stan Lee who, even then, sought to do exciting and different things in the field.-------------------------------------------------Captain America's popularity and success led to Marvel's first film; in 1944 Republic Pictures, purveyors of fine serials, released Captain America, which although bearing relatively little resemblance to the comic book character (no shield, a female assistant, and Steve Rogers being a District Attorney rather than a soldier) was still a box office success.-------------------------------------------------During World War II there was a shortage of paper for all publishers, due to the war-time paper rationing, but Goodman's attorney, Jerry Perles, somehow managed to persuade the War Office that Timely needed as much paper during the war as it had needed before the war.-------------------------------------------------Timely Comics did NOT become Marvel Comics. They changed their name to Atlas Comics, which eventually became Marvel as we know it today.

The 13 Days of HELL!!!

Sara's Journal!!!
Day One!
Do you know the sound a hard drive makes crashing down a flight of stairs? I do :) Lora and me got into a HUGE fight (three years together and this was our first yelling fight, tho she did most of the yelling. My insanity is more of the "stare in silence so you wonder what horrors I'm thinking" type.) It was all over me spending too much time online. She says I need a life outside of the net and I disagree. I don't like outside and shouldn't have to deal with it if I don't want to.
Anyways, I finally got sick of it so I went upstairs, grabbed my comp tower, and in a HUGE burst of adrenaline, dragged it and everything hooked to it and tossed it down the stairs where it landed right by the front door. (It had to be adrenaline cause I'm like, TOTALLY weak and should never have been able to drag all that crap the way I did.)
This of course, did not have the effect I intended. Thinking of it now I'm not really sure what I intended. Anger is a bad thing and we should really think before we act on it. :(
So here it is, day four without a comp, and I've decided to keep a journal of events in my life while offline. Days one thru three are from memory.
Day Two!!!
I decided that being w/o a comp isn't so bad. I wrote some poems. Borrowed Lora's gel pen to do so and she gave me a look. We're not really speaking but no fighting either.
I went riding. Something I don't do often anymore. My baby WyldWynd missed me and nayed at me when I went to the stables. We went all over the community, got home about one pm and ate lunch with dead grandma. She's mad at me, too, but she's always mad at me so who cares.
Not much else happened.
Day Three!!!
Went to town with my step-dad's best friend Jacob. Mall to do some shoping. Went to Spencers and bought this big glow in the dark monster head that I mounted on the bedroom wall like a deer head, the way hunters do. Lora didn't notice it till we got in bed that night and she turned off the light. "Oh God," was the only thing she said then turned her back to me. Hard getting to sleep.
Day Four!!!
I'm starting this journal so I'll have something to do. I'll probably post it at the Bendis Board so everyone can see what a loser I am. :( My neighbor Annalara came by this morning and had breakfast with me as usual. I went to the community center with her. I can't get online there because of something I did last year that I won't talk about. I thought it was funny but nobody else did.
Annalara will be 50 yo next week. we're both Libras and have a lot in commom. She's lived here all her life, never married, rarely goes into town and seems to like being alone. She has lots of cats, too. I have more love and respect for this woman than almost anyone I know.
Lora and me had a good laugh today together so I think we're on talking terms again. Nothing much else happened except a 10 hour Buffy marathon. I LOVE having a dvd player. :)
Day Five!!!
Another boring day. Watched Buffy most of the day except for a break around five pm when Lora got home. She had Tammy and Lindsey with her. Lindsey is getting married to Kyle. They make a great couple. Decided to bury all the sharpest knives in the backyard. Annalara came out(her backyard is connected to mine.) as I was stomping the loose dirt down and asked me what I was planting. I told her and she just laughed thinking I was joking.
More Buffy around eight pm till midnight then bed. My monster head is starting to give me weird looks.
Day Six!!!
Talked to Lora about getting a new comp this morning. I don't think it's fair that she gets to have the credit cards and I don't but the last one I had I kinda went overboard at the comicbook store and my step-dad took it from me. Now even tho I'm almost nineteen I'm not allowed to have one. :( Jacob came over after lunch and was already drinking beer. He's a cool guy but I get nervous around him when he's drunk. I know he would never try anything on me because my step-dad would kill him but he makes a lot of sexual remarks that I don't like.
I've also decided to protest not getting a new comp by NOT showering. I think that in two weeks I'll stink so bad Lora will have to break down and get me one. I was gonna cut her off from sex but I like sex too much so...
My hand is cramping from writing so much.
Day Seven!!!
Talked to Lora about getting a comp again this morning. She acts like she controls my life sometimes. I love her so much but I'm not a child that she can do that way. I have some mental problems and sometimes do things that make me look crazy but I'm really not. I spent time on Blessing Hospital's sixth floor (ward for troubled teens) when I was 16 but I'm doing better now and rarely forget to take my meds.
I got SO bored that I carried all my comp stuff, which has been in the hall closet since its demise, back upstairs and hooked it back up hoping it would work. Instead of "BEEP" followed by boot up sounds it kind of sizzled and popped once. I got scared and went to the celler to kill the power because I was afraid to unplug it but when I got to the fuse box I didn't know what to do. There were no fuses at all in there, just a bunch of switches that said on and off. I didn't know which to turn off(plus I left my oven mits upstairs) so I ran over to Annalara's house and she went to the celler and turned them off till we unhooked the comp. I felt really dumb.
She tried to talk to me about spending more time with Lora and less online but I started daydreaming about the Bendis Board and didn't really hear what she said. I think maybe I'll try buttering Lora up tomorrow :)
My monster head gave me another weird look today. I think it's plotting something.
Day Eight!!!
Today started off REALLY well! I went to the resale shop with Lora and helped her till noon then we left cause it was slow and went walking around town. Went to Dollar General (which Lora thinks is just SO great cause she grew up on welfare and shopped there all the time with her drunk mom. Most of the stuff there is just cheap crap.) She bought these really tacky nick-nacks of frogs and said she was gonna put them in the living room. I made sure to carry the bag they were in and when we got to the car I left the ugly things at the curb. She asked about them when we got home but all I said was that I thought she had them. Now I feel guilty about it :( She's in the shower(she asked me if i was gonna shower tonight. hehe!) and when she gets out I'm going to confess what I did.
I think there are wires growing in my feet.
Day Nine!!!
Another good day...kindasorta. Lora is a little mad at me about the ugly frogs but I gave her good face this morning and it kinda made up for it. She started to go down on me then said, "why don't you go take a shower." I laughed but didn't say anything. She's smart and will figure it out soon...I HOPE! Before breakfast she asked me if I knew what happened to all the knives.
Tonight wasn't so good. Lora came home with Tammy and wanted to watch RAW with me. She NEVER watches wrestling so I'm kinda thinking this is her way of saying that she'll start getting into my stuff if I spend more time doing her stuff, which I have. But i did something REALLY dumb while we were watching it.
I was sitting in my chair, as I do every Monday and Thursday, and was writing down the results in my notebook as I always do, when this commercial came on. It was about these three day cruises on a boat. The commercial was talking about how you could get away from it all for a few days. So I said OUTLOUD, "I wish that bitch Tammy would take Lora on one of those and get her out of my hair for a few days." And as soon as I said it I realised that they were sitting there with me. Lora never watches wrestling with me and my brain doesn't work right all the time so I completely forgot they were there. :(
So I looked at them and they were both staring at me like I was just fucking crazy. i couldn't help but to start laughing my ass off. Tammy got mad and left. Lora walked her to the door and then walked by me and said, "You're something else." Then she went upstairs and was asleep when I went up to apologize.
Big Bossman died. I'll have to remember to check on how he died when/if I ever get back online. :(
Day Ten!!!
I'm not putting what I wrote in my journal here because 1) I don't remember writing it, and 2) people would think I'm REALLY crazy if they read it so...
Day Eleven!!!
Me, Lora and my sisters went to Annalara's house today to have a birthday lunch with her. She had told us not to make a big deal about it but she's like family so we couldn't help ourselves.
I apologized to Tammy yesterday for what I said t'other night. She was nice about it but thinks I'm insane. So does most everyone else around here but who cares. Lora brought home a 24 pack of toilet paper and left it in the living room. After she went to bed I saw it sitting there and went out and TPed Jacob's house :) He's been over twice this week drunk so I'm thinking he deserved it. He'll know it was me because two years ago I went crazy after Samhain and went out TPing houses in the community every night for a week till I got caught. Nobody thought it was funny and they told my mom. Elder Malcolm knew it was me all along but didn't say anything till he caught me doing his house. He came out while I was doing it and yelled, "SARA!!" I ran but he'd already seen me.
I'm beginning to stink :p Lora and muh big sissy Analie both commented about it. :) My monster head even told me that I need a bath tonight.
Day Twelve!!!
It's cold out tonight. I'm sitting on my front porch as I write this and there are bats and nighthawks flying around catching insects. My bestest friend since I was eight use to live across the street from me till she went away to college last month. Her mom and dad are rarely home and the place is mostly dark now. I miss her so much. :(
The community center is busy tonight. Lots of people there having fun. Both my sisters are there and asked me earlier if I wanted to hang out. But since I don't really like either of them I said no. Lora is at a movie with Tammy and should be home by midnight.
Annalara just came out the front of the center and yelled for me to come over and have some fun. Maybe if it wasn't so crowded I would but being around lots of people makes me nervous so I told her I was busy. She shrugged at me and went back inside. I lead such a boring life.
Monster head told me earlier that he needed a name. I asked him what name he wanted and he just stared at me. Lora came in while we were talking and said she thought it was time to take it down because i was acting crazy about it.
Day Thirteen!!!
I REALLY need a bath. :( Monster head got put in the closet today cause I'm tired of listening to his shit. I get enough of it from everyone else so I really don't need it from him.
I called Dell and Gateway to see what it would take to get a comp delivered to my house. $89.00 on delivery but the comps are cheap crap with only 56k memory. I think my watch has more memory than that!
Reread day ten and couldn't believe what i wrote. I asked Lora about it and she said it was one of my "crazy days." They come more often lately. It's no wonder I never get any company. Other than Annalara and drunk Jacob nobody comes to see me when Lora isn't home. She has lots of friends and is loved by everyone and I'm the weirdo she lives with. Dead grandma told me to poison them all but that would be too extreme I think. Especially after the dog incident when I was fifteen. :The way things have been going the last few years I think my sanity will be completely gone by the time I'm 25. Annalara says that I'm just more "in tuned" with the universe, and Jacob, tact not being his specialty, just says I'm nuts. He came over the day after I TPed his house and got onto me about it. Telling me I needed to stop acting so crazy or "they" would put me away someday. I told him I would probably end up there someday anyways so why not have fun while I was free. :)
Dead grandma didn't visit at all today, which is unusual. The knives I buried are mysteriously back in the top drawer. Lora probably mentioned to Annalara that they were missing and Annalara told her I said I'd buried them so she dug them up. At least I HOPE thats how they got back there.
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Had to stop that last entry cause muh baby Lora brought my new comp home (YAY!!!) so I've spent the last ten hours getting my security back (firewall, spyware killers, ect) putting my display settings the way I like them, (windows gray is soooooooo ugly!) and putting all my files and stuff from the disks i had them saved on(two comp crashes taught me to BACK UP EVERYTHING!). Now everything feels right with the world. :)

Last night's adventure!!

YAY! I got soaking wet:) my little sister and her make-out partner drank the last of the soda in the house and i wanted one really bad so i asked Lora to run me to the gas station at the edge of town to get some. we've been argueing all day cause of stupid stuff(stupid stuff=me being online all the time.) and she said she wouldn't take me. I'm scared to drive and have no bike. my moped rusted to death in the driveway last fall because i refused to put it in the stable near my horse Wyldwynd because the gas fumes upset her.
so Sara, brave little toaster that she is, grabbed her jacket and headed out the door, ignoring Lora's yells of "don't go out there or you'll get wet." (duh) so i walked out the driveway, past Annalara's house. past the community center, and straight up Harrison Drive to the main road to town. towm being only about a mile away so i didn't think i'd get too wet since its not raining that hard.
my luck. i get pertnear there and BOOM, its starts to pour:) i ran into the gas station where Molly was working and hanging out with her b/f. she said, "Sara you're insane." which i already knew but like when people remind me. i grabbed a 12 pack of cans since it wouldn't be too heavy to carry back and sit there for a few talking to Molly and her b/f hoping the rain would slow down some. my luck isn't usually on the good side.
so i got tired of waiting and said i was walking home. Molly's b/f offered me a ride and, him being a man, i asked, "are you gonna ask me if its okay to hit a woman under any circumstance?" :) after staring at me with a confused look on his face for a second i walked out the door knowing that my ride would be pulling up veeeeery soon:)
i walked about 50 yards and stepped into the grass to let this HUGE semi-truck whoosh past me(soaking me even moreso than i already was) and after it passed i saw the headlights of a car coming from the direction of home. i know my baby sooooooo well:) it was, of course, LORA!
me, playing BitchSara to the max, refused to get in the car:p she drove along side me with the passenger window down begging me to get in. she got mad when i didn't and took off towards home. the car only got so far and stopped, turned around, and headed back towards me. so i ducked into the woods to take the long way home and to piss her off even more.
the path was easy to find cause it leads straight to the duck pond behind my house and i've taken it since i was eight. Lora knows this and started driving really slow honking the horn and yelling my name. i got to the duck pond and saw headlights thru the trees at the end of the path.
trying to outsmart her, i walked the long way around the pond and was intending to come in behind the stables and sneak in the back way. rocks along a pond in the rain are veeeeerrry slippery:( i slipped and fell in the shallow part of the water. i got up, picked up the 12 pack, and the damn thing ripped open cause it was so wet from the rain and the pond water:( all but three cans of soda fell into the pond. i managed to find six cans (its dark out there) so i still had nine cans of soda to take home. (tomorrow i'll go get the other three.)
as i was getting out of the water i heard Lora scream at the top of her lungs, "FUCK! YOU! TOO! SARA POE!!!) :) i know just what buttons to push with her. anyways, smiling at my triumph, i headed back to the path, but its been awhile since i was down at the pond and i couldn't find the damn thing:( so i started treking thru the woods. now, Illinois woods aren't too bad and usually they're pretty easy to navagate thru, but it was really dark and raining pretty hard so i kinda got turned around and found myself almost right back on the main road where i started at in the first place.
so i'm walking down the road, hands full of ice cold soda, raining like hell, Lora thinking i was nearly home, and this car pulls up. it was Molly's b/f from the gas station. he pulled up next to me, rolled down the window, and said, "no, its never ok to hit a woman.":) (not trying to drag that arguement up again but it was REALLY funny when he said it.)
the car pulls up in front of my house and Lora is standing on the porch looking for me. i was tempted to tell Jake(thats his name, i found out) to keep going but figured it best not to ag it on anymore. i walked up the steps, held out one of the cans to Lora and asked, "want a soda?":) i SO wish i had a camera at that moment cause her look was PRICELESS!
although now she'll be mad at me all night and will probably sleep downstairs in the spare bedroom i think it was worth it cause i had fun outside for the first time in a WAY long time:)
that is all.

I LOVE my friends:)

Look what they did to me:)


(Older pics but i haven't figured out how to use my water marker yet so...)

Also, Kent has been putting out more P.U.C.K.

In case you didn't know...

Broken:(

Sorry no updates inna while. Depression has kept me from being creative:(

More WWE News! IronMan stuff!

I've put up the new Wrestling News post here, http://www.imagecomics.com/messageboard/viewtopic.php?t=50291 with tons of pics.

IRONMAN NEWS!! Comic fans know all about Warren Ellis taking over the writing on Ironman after the "Avengers Disassembled" storyline is over. Well, its been stated that the Armor is due for a HUGE change. They've been using the same design for 40 years and Ari Gonav, the new artist, is designing a whole new look for the golden avenger. Watch for it!!

WWE Divas!

For those of you that watched RAW and saw that one of the wannabe divas has posed in Playboy, (Carmella Decesare) Here are links to her Playboy pics,

http://www.gorillamask.net/cd.shtml
http://www.extremefitness.com/showflat.php?Board=babes&Number=54276
http://www.bellezzevip.com/modelle/carmella_de_cesare/

Dawn Marie from Smackdown pics from her movie, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0167071/
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And remember a month or so ago when Jacky Gayda exposed herself on Smackdown but he camera was behind her so her boobs weren't shown?