Welcome to my darkness. If you've come to condemn or are offended by the insanity at this blog then GO AWAY! Your God doesn't live here!
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12/28/04

This is me...

I was born in Chicago in 1985. When I was eight we moved here to the community because my dad was tired of raising three daughters in a big city. That same summer I was standing on the docks of the Mississippi river in Clat-Adams Park waiting for my dad to come and get me. He was boating in the river and promised he would let me ride with him. I had never been on a boat before.

I stood there waiting and watching him in the boat. He was going really fast and having a lot of fun. Another boat came racing out of the cove and slammed into him. I saw wood and water explode and my father died. This event affected me in ways I cannot describe. I've never gotten over it and it started the fall my mind has taken into darkness. I still have never been on a boat and probably never will.

My mother, a very loving and giving woman, was there for me and tried her best to make my world right, but things were beyond her reach.

Four years later she married the greatest man I have ever met. My step-father was completely at peace with himself. He never judged and always did what was right in his heart. If there is a better man alive I don't think I'll ever meet him. He said things to me that helped more than any meds ever could. I will always love and worship him for the person he is.

Last year my mother died of overian cancer. It broke my step-father. It took all the light out of his heart. Seeing that hurt me almost as much as my mother's death. Knowing that I didn't have the words to help him the way he helped me was a horrible thing. He never left her side for more than a few hours while she was dying and was there holding her hand when she died.

He left Quincy a few months later. I think he would have died if he hadn't left. He took my baby brother and stayed away for nearly six months before he returned in October of this year. He looked so old when he came back. He is still the loving and giving man he always was but his heart is broken and that will never change. I would die for him if I thought it would make him better. But I know nothing will.

Three years ago a girl told me she had a crush on me. Her name is Lorabelle Tempest Riley and she told me that she had never felt attracted to anyone before. Not any guy or girl. I was her first crush. Lora had a hard life growing up. Her dad left when she was three and her mom was a drunk. She grew up dirt-poor and pretty much raised herself. It made her into a very strong person. I feel so special knowing that I'm the first and only person she has ever been in love with.

I live in a Gardnerian community just outside of Quincy, Illinois. The community was founded just after the American civil war. The housse I live in is the one my dad grew up in. It's been in our family since my great-grandfather built it in the very early 1900s. It's called the McCullough House afer my family name; McCullough. Thats the name I was born with. Sara Jane McCullough.

My step-father's family has been here since the community was founded also and his family home, the Poe House, is right next door. I lived there for nearly ten years. My step-dad adopted me and my younger sister years ago, hence my new last name. Sara Jane Poe. I'm very proud of my name. I was proud of the McCullough name, too, but after my father died I didn't feel it was mine any more. I don't know if that's disrespectful but thats the way it is.

My grandmother lived in this house since she was born. She was very mean to us girls. I think she was mad at us because her son died. She died two years ago and the house sat empty for a year till Lora and I moved into it. My dead grandmother still lives here. Not as mean as before but still very much an old grouch. She complains about everything and I sit and listen because nobody else can. Or will.

By the time I was 15 I was slightly insane. I started doing some very self destructive things and things that were hurtful to other people. My neighbor's dog barked all night so I poisoned it. This action was the cause of me being put in Newman Clinic. The "ward for troubled teens." I was there for a week, escaped, went back, was classified as a manic depressant with slight schitzoid tendenacies. The meds usually take care of that, tho.

Usually.

I have two horses, two cats, a tarantula, and over ten thousand comic books. My dad collected comic books and when he died they all went to me. Believe it or not, other than my step-dad, I mostly credit Spider-man with my sanity. Spider-man never faultered in his beliefs. Never gave in or gave up. I've read hundreds of Spider-man stories and the strength he has made me feel better about myself and the world. That might sound silly but thats how it is.

My two sisters live next door in the Poe House. Analie is 21 and Laura is 16. Analie was in college at Western Illinois University but when my mom died she decided to come home to help out with my little sister and baby brother. Thats the same reason Lora and I didn't go away to college when we graduated in June. We decided to put it off for a year. My step-dad bought us the Fifth Street Resale Shop before he left town so we would have a steady income coming in. Lora works there with Analie. They run the place together and it does pretty well.

Not that she needs to work because my step-dad also left us a huge bank account. So maybe I'm not crazy, just escentric. I don't know for sure.

Well, that's me. Sara Jane Poe. Nothing more.

12/27/04

Wrestling with Sara!

I do a wrestling news column at the Bendis Board every week and I thought I would post the link here this week for those of you interested in wrestling.
http://www.imagecomics.com/messageboard/viewtopic.php?t=80405

12/22/04

Sorry Kubiak...

I've been working on a long adventure post(with pics) but it's not ready yet. Soon. And thanks for the link to those water markers but they're all trial versions. Trial versions=the suck.

Lora is over her cold. She is going to spend the christian holiday with her mom. She always feels guilty about leaving me behind but doesn't understand that since I've NEVER celebrated Christmas it's really no big deal. I'm Gardnerian and we celebrated the Winter Solstist (Called Yule.) today.

The community had it's usual festival only this year it's kinda warm so most of it was held outside in the ceremonial field behind the community center. Lora and me spent most of the day there. I came home around 9pm with a headache and slept till 2:30am. It's 3:30am now and I can't get back to sleep.

Godzilla is on the SciFi channel and Lora is asleep behind me in our bed. The window is open next to me and I have all the lights off. I'm sitting here wrapped in a blanket, wearing nothing but a t-shirt.

I'll probably stay up all night because we're going to the mall at 9am. I hate the mall and don't like going this time of year because of the crowds. I hold Lora's hand tight whenever we go because she can push her way thru all the people.

Hey, Leglas, if you're reading this leave me a message. I haven't heard from you in a while and I'm worried. :(

Okay, I'm going to stop writing now. I feel like having a bowl of coco pebbles and then maybe I'll write more as I am in a writing mood. ^_^

12/19/04

The DarkSoulz

So this is what I've been working on for a few months. Mermaid Egg mentioned that I should storyboard my silents, so I thought I would show this.

I've done a lot of work on this and hopefully I'll be posting some stories early next year.^_^

12/12/04

So...

Today was a good day. The first good day in a while.

I'm making dolls again. They're called "silents." Actually, I spent 17 hours straight making them during my recent bout with mania. The compulsive repetitiveness of making them helped keep me more or less focused.

Me and Lora slept till noon today. We had a great night. We drank a bottle of wine then made love. I'm trying to talk her into letting me post some pics of her here but a couple pic thieves stole her face once before so she's VERY leary about it.

I'm still looking for a good water marker so I can post more of myself.

So after we finally got out of bed we went into town to get some things. I bought more clothespins because I've noticed that there are some things around the house that haven't been pinned yet. Lora doesn't mind me pinning things as long as I don't overdo it.

We came home because Lora was feeling ill. We think she's coming down with a cold. I'll have to take care of her while she's sick. ^_^ I love doing that. I don't like her being sick but when she is she stays right here in bed for days while I take care of her every need. I wish it could be that way more often but Lora isn't a home-body. She likes being out in the world where things are happening.

So Lora ate part of her dinner then went to bed. She's been sleeping on and off since around 7pm. It's almost midnight and I'm getting ready to crash. Just thought I'd jot down my boringly sane day. Sometimes I think I should stop taking my meds just for entertainment purposes'.^_^

And I'm working on a blog sig. (see below)

12/11/04

What happened?

I've read the emails and messages at my private board and just wanted to respond to everyone in one post.

Last weekend was the anniversary of my mom's death. My friend Eric died on Friday. I was having a VERY hard time dealing with these two events and stopped taking my meds in hopes it would make the weekend disappear from my memory. I meant to start taking them again on Monday but it didn't happen that way.

So if I insulted anyone please forgive me and understand that sometimes I can't control my actions. I'm not using this as an excuse, just wanting everyone tounderstand that I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

12/8/04

.....

Lora kept asking me if anything was wrong today. I told her no, but my head won't stop hurting. It's been hurting for days now and my concentration is nill. I having a hard time thinking straight. Annalara came by this morning because we were supposed to go into town together but I don't remember agreeing to this. I went anyway and just pretended I had forgotten.

I felt like taking a double dose of my meds this morning. I just wanted today to be normal. I didn't want to hear the humming sound thats been ringing in my ears since Sunday. I didn't want my head to hurt all day AGAIN, and I wanted to enjoy the day with Lora. Instead I spent most of the day sitting in the attic doing absolutely nothing except staring at the walls. Lora came home and found me there and asked me if I was feeling okay. She can always tell when it's bad for me.

I try to hide it from her because I don't want her to worry but she knows. She's been dealing with it for three years now. I'm so worried she'll just get so sick of me that she will leave me for someone she can have a normal relationship with. I would die without her. I'm lost enough as it is, without Lora I think i would definately be heading back to Newman Clinic for an extended stay.

I need to sleep now. Hopefully it will make my headache go away.

More later.

12/5/04

Not a good night!

i'm home alone. things feel weird tonight and i don't know why. i keep hearing shit that don't make sence. i feel like someone is in the house watching me. i wish lora would come home because my head is hurting and i don't like this feeling of sadness that's sweeping over me. i keep thinking about how much eric loved Buffy and how glad i am that he got to see every episode of buffy and angel before he died. that makes no sence i know but my head hurts and thinking straight isn't high in the agenda tonight.

i should get offline but i'm afraid if i do then whomever is in the house will show themselves and that would be bad.

my head hurts

12/4/04

This will be a very bad weekend.

My friend Eric died. Read the post below this one to find out who he was. I'm still in complete shock over this.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my mom's death.

I didn't take my meds today and won't be taking them tomorrow. Hopefully that will cause this weekend to be nothing but a blurr so I don't have to live with the memory.

Any thing posted on this blog after this and before Monday should be ignored.

In Memorium!


From "The White Room"

*************************************
Guys, the tragic has happened..
It is with great sadness that I write this..

Sometime earlier today, our fearless leader, Eric Alan Ivins, passed away.

The details are still a little uncertain from my perspective at the moment, so I'll refrain from posting any specifics until I know better. Needless to say, e. was going through a rough spot lately.

He will be profoundly missed.


Condolences may be sent to:

Frank Ivins
26 Graceford Drive
Aberdeen, MD 21001
http://p204.ezboard.com/fthewhiteroom3210frm1.showMessage?topicID=301.topic

********************************

Eric was the webmaster and creator of the official Blair Witch Project website and helped created the media craze the film enjoyed BEFORE it was ever released. He created The White Room message board for fans of Buffy the Vampire slayer. He was a very friendly and intelligent man whom I called my friend. I will miss him so much.