Welcome to my darkness. If you've come to condemn or are offended by the insanity at this blog then GO AWAY! Your God doesn't live here!
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6/26/05

Having problems

I've been good for months now. Since January my mind has been clear and not playing tricks on me. But Lora brought home a bird Friday, a parakeet, and the damn thing keeps looking at me. Yesterday I could swear I heard it whispering. I tried to ignore the damn thing but it's very hard.

I don't want this shit to start up again. I hate so much not being able to control it. No matter what meds they put me on or how high the dosage, eventually they start to lose their effectiveness and my mind starts drifting. I don't know if I can take it again.

Last time I spent three horrid weeks in Newman Clinic. I swore it would be the last time. I swore I would do everything I could to make sure it did NOT happen again. But I guess some of us just aren't meant to live in reality.

I hate so much being this way and I hate it when I get lost. I'm scared to death of telling Lora or my step-dad. They start talking behind my back about me and that only makes it worse. I know they're against me. I know what they want. I'm not the little fool people think I am.

When it starts it usually comes on fast. The last time it hit me all in one morning. I felt so normal and happy, then by noon I had just given up and lay down for three weeks hardly moving. I can't go thru that again.

I can't keep living like this. It hurts so much the way they look at me. I know Lora loves me but how much longer will she be able to put up with this. How much longer will someone so beautiful and with such an incredible future allow herself to be held back by a person that can't keep a grip on reality.

I don't give a fuck either way. Maybe Newman is the place for me. Maybe I belong there for good. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore and I feel so lost. I feel so very, very lost.

6/23/05

Naked Sara In The Dark!

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Night came. The howling of coyotes in the distance caught my attention and I went out into the darkness. It was 3am and the community was mostly fast asleep. The heat and humidity made me start to sweat after only a few minutes outside. I was only wearing a pair of shorts, a wife beater t-shirt and a thong underneath my shorts but still started sweating.

Walking in the middle of the street I turned the corner and could see Jacob's light on. I wished then that I had brought toilet paper with me. He has such a nice tree in front of his house. I wanted to decorate it but had nothing to do it with.
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I walked over to the edge of the bluffs and could see for miles into Missouri. I stood there looking out over the Mississippi River for the longest time. Then I noticed that I was sweating so bad that the front of my shirt was wet and you could see my nipples. Little dime-sized pink things poking thru my wife beater.

From where I stood there were no houses in sight so I got brave and took the shirt off. I decided to walk thru the little spot of woods and come go home thru the back way so no one would see me. I tied the shirt around my neck and went topless thru the woods till I came across the pond. The water looked dark and cool on such a hot night. So I dropped my shorts and walked into it.
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The pond use to have still waters, but still water gets stagnet and starts to smell so my step-dad had a recycling stream put in with a small water fall. I walked in up to my waist then over to the falls and sat down. Eventually I got so comfortable that the thong came off and I flung it over my shoulder.

It's very dark at the pond and when I got tired of being in the water I headed back to where I thought I'd left my clothes. I thought wrong. I looked and looked but couldn't see where I had put them.

"No problem," I think to myself. "No one is awake and I can slip in thru the back and wouldn't be noticed anyway." Easy as easy pie. But...my mind doesn't seem to think the easy way.

I walked as far as the stables and decided to check on my horsie. As tempted as I was to go Lady Godiava around the community I refrained. Instead I walked thru the stables and then over to Annalara's yard. I was going to cut thru her yard but as I passed her bedroom window I could see thru the fan that she was laying on her bed asleep.
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I thought of how funny would it be if I woke her up just then. Wake her up and see how she's doing, not even acknowledging my nudity. But no. I've spent enough time in the nut house and didn't need her thinking I needed more. Thats when I was interupted by one of her cats. Barrington was his name and he must have smelled me cause he came right up and started rubbing against my leg.
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I started to pick him up but he scooted a few feet away then looked back at me. I got the feeling that he wanted me to follow so I did. He led me around the back of the house into Annalara's garden. My attention drifted when I saw that Annalara was planting some new flowers and had left her work half finished. I knew better than to touch her gardening stuff so I tried to walk around it.

Clumsy me stumbled but caught myslef before I hit the ground. Annalara's yard has lots of loose dirt and I stuck my hand in a pile of it. That coupled with the sweat means I shouldn't have wiped my face afterward. I knew right away that I got dirt on my face. I also knew right away that it was time to go inside. That's when Barrington rubbed against my leg again.

I chased him out of the garden and into my backyard before I just decided to sit down in the grass to see if he would come to me. Almost as soon as I sat down he came right to me. So I picked him up and started snuggling him against my dirt streaked face.
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Right at that exact moment my backdoor opened and Lora came out wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt that she likes to sleep in.

"What are you doing out here?" She asked, and as I put the cat down her eyes grew wide. For a split second I'd forgotten that I was naked. As soon as I realized it I started laughing my ass off at the expression on Lora's face. She just stood there looking at me.
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When I finally stopped laughing I held my hand out to her and told her to come to me and we could make love right there in the grass. She just looked at me like I was crazy so I lay back and stretched my naked body out trying to entice her. She smiled, tempted, but she's too proper a lady and told me to come inside.
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I won't go into perverted details of what happened next but this morning we went to the pond and found my clothes so I could prove my story to her and she wouldn't think that I was just running round the community naked, dirty and crazy.

I think tonight I'll go out again. Maybe walk over to the other side of the community to see what I can get into over there.

~Sara<3

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replies

I have email from most of you that I haven't gotten around to answering. Sorry, I've been working on my Buffy story and that History of the WWE.

Agric; Thankx for the IQ links, but online IQ tests stink. The other community isn't really a community anymore. Just a few people sitting around doing nothing. Sad but true. :(


DigiEmmissary; We were near a town called Brownstown. Or maybe it's BrownsVILLE. Not too sure, but I doubt if we'll be going back.


Goddard; WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO TO GET BANNED FOR 6 MONTHS??? And is there any way I can help get you unbanned?


Roger, DMJ, Kubiak,Moonspider; Part one of the History thing I'm doing is FINALLY finished and it's HUGE! I have to size up the pics then it will be posted.


About that witch burning comment I made. History is written by those in charge. Burning witches was illegal so you won't find any record of it. But the word "burning" is actually a referance to a time when witches were hounded and killed without mercy. It was called "The Burning Times." The word burning is used sometimes to decribe that. I should have made that clear.

Okay, taking a break from writing tonight. I'm at the Benbo!>>>>>

~Sara<3<3<3

6/18/05

Vacation

No matter what you may have been thinking, I have NOT gone insane nor has any other such thing befallen me.

Vacations are supposed to be for working people or peeps in school, so I guess the trip we took to Maine couldn't be counted a a vacation for me. Our sister community there (Where the people here in this community originated from some hundred and fifty years ago.) is all but completely abandoned. I've been there nearly every year for the past six years and each visit it got just a little bit more deserted. This visit was the last one we'll be taking. The people left there can be counted on two hands.

That community is over three hundred years old. It started during the time of witch burnings and the Crusade of Cotton Mather, now time has done to it what scared and angry christians couldn't.

The community I live in isn't what it use to be either. There are still around two hundred people here, but more time is spent in Quincy now that any time I can remember. Once you could get up any morning, walk over to the community center, and sit with a dozen or more people having breakfast or coffee.

Now it's usually only four or five sitting there. My neighbor and friend Annalara said it got this way once before, during the seventies when the community first started sending their kids to Quincy public schools and more people were getting jobs there. She says it eventually picked back up and things returned to normal but I can't help to worry about the future and what it will bring to my home.

Lora wants to go away to college in August. With both of us in Western Illinois University the house will be empty again. My step-dad, two sisters and baby brother live next door. None of them want to live here. (My tales of wallgnomes and dead grandma have spooked them a little I guess cause they've started calling the house creepy.)

Not sure how things will turn out but my chances of going away to college and staying there for four years seem slim. I've been living in this community, on this block, with my family for twelve years nearly. My entire world is confined to this little piece of existence and I'm very comfortable here. But Lora has my heart and where she goes so goes Sara.

Well, since I've been home less than an hour I should get offline and unpack. More later...