Welcome to my darkness. If you've come to condemn or are offended by the insanity at this blog then GO AWAY! Your God doesn't live here!
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9/29/05

drunk and depressed

Sorry no updates inna while. I've been fighting depression and sneak drinking every night after Lora goes to bed.

I'm afraid I'm becoming and alcaholic. (And can't even spell it.)

It's not as bad as it was in January, when I lay down in bed one morning and basically stayed there for three weeks, but it's very hard to deal right now. I've managed to hide it from Lora (Other than asking me what is wrong everyday for the last week making me think she suspects.) because she's been so busy with Ashley but I really need to get over it before she finds out and gets worried.

Although we made an agreement that there will be NO MORE visits to Newman Clinic unless ABSOLUTELY a must, I still get afraid that she and my step-dad will want me to go there to see what's wrong with me and how they can help. They only want me to be happy and I'm guessing that every time the doctor increases my meds it gets better...at least better for THEM.

I just hate the thought that my meds will keep getting upped for the rest of my life till I'm so medicated I won't know what reality is. Funny; without the meds I REALLY don't know what reality is. So it's a lose/lose situation. :(

Most people with exteme mania like mine don't make it past thirty so I'm just hoping that I can pretend to be sane for another ten years for Lora's sake. After that...

Well, I guess there won't be any "after that" so it's all...good. :(

goodnight

9/18/05

Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

9/13/05

fuck:(

another senior home found with another 40 bodies.

i feel very, very small and just don't have enough pain for this...................................................................

9/11/05

"We're Coming Momma!"

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This is the nursing home, where all the senior citizens perished. This is the place that President Aaron Broussard, of Jefferson Parish (comparable to a county commissioner), spoke of, on Meet the Press, Sept 4-2005. This is the nursing home, where trapped seniors in wheelchairs and the bedridden waited for Homeland Defense - Waited for Brown of FEMA - waited for local - state - federal officials - waited for the President and died waiting.

No employees were found with the patients. They DIED in Super Power USA. They died alone in the dark, as the waters kept rising - and, by God, I can't, I just can't understand why this whole damn country isn't sobbing. Just like Mr. Broussard did (yes, thankfully some men still cry) when he heard the man who ran the Emergency Center tell his mother (a resident of this nursing home) on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday - over and over - when she called: "We're coming Momma - we'll be there Momma - we're on our way Momma!"

And then, on Friday, there were no more calls because they'd all drowned.
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What the hell is wrong with people - listening to this bullshit of back to school - Mandy found her mother - dogs being rescued - and the Press Secretary...that lap dog dufus, brainless cretin McCleland saying: "We're not going to play the blame game."

Chertoff (an attorney - no experience in disaster) of Homeland Defense said on Sept 4 on Meet the Press with Broussard: "Time is of the essence, they'll be plenty of time to chop heads off afterwards."

Really - well, not for these seniors, the most vulnerable in our society, who COULDN'T walk out or drive out of New Orleans to a distant Hilton! Bush was delivering a cake to McCain - golfing - doing the VJ day gig - and looking down, from Air Force One, as these folks drowned.

"We're coming Moma - we're coming." Sometimes I have to stop writing and just cry.

Condi was playing tennis, shopping for $1000 footwear, and attending a Monty Python comedy about the Holy Grail. Cheney went fishing in Jackson Hole - lounged around his trophy home, while Lynn - shopped for a 10 acre estate on Chesapeake Bay. Nobody heard the seniors crying - nor the depraved - criminal - negligence. "We're coming Momma." Nobody came. But the President is going to find out what went right and what went wrong.

The Black Shepherds and Black Caucus are as useless as the rest of them. Rested up from vacation, they're now going to start their race-baiting game, which is all the hell they're good for. Well, it's too late. These seniors, those in Charity hospitals, in group homes, in hospice care are all dead.

Thousands and thousands of people are dead, jobless, and homeless. Meanwhile, our 'leaders' with their obscene salaries, multiple homes and secure pensions are going to see, one again, how they can learn from their mistakes. Right, sure, and we're going to rebuild Iraq? We can't even maintain a levee - or rescue some old folks. What a joke.
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9/9/05

Daymares:(

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Somewhere in the darkness I can hear a piano being played. Slow, haunting music that I've heard before but can't remember what it's called. "Thanksgiving," perhaps, but that could be wrong.

I've been having a reaccurring daymare lately. See, I was watching CNN t'other day and they were talking about the horrible conditions at that sports stadium in New Orleans. Then they showed a picture of an old lady, in her wheelchair, covered by a blanket.
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She was dead. Died of thirst or starvation or maybe neglect, and left there on the sidewalk.

It's been haunting me lately. Of all the dark and morbid thoughts in my head, it's THAT one that won't go away. Even more disturbing; I've been imagining myself along with my dead grandma being stuck in the attic whilst flood waters rise ever so higher around us. Finally the waters are so high that I have to climb out on the roof but my grandma can't come with me because she's too old and I'm too week to help her.
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Grandma has been dead for years (But still won't go away.) and I never liked her much in the first place. She was very mean to me and my sisters after my dad died. I guess I could go over all the psycological reasons for my imaginings but that would be boring. I'll just wonder to myself, "why now?"

I have 8 messages at the Benbo and haven't looked at any of them. I haven't even checked my email in days. Depression sucks.
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Five Harry Potter ebooks!
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Book 1 - Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone 1.0 MB
Book 2 - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets 842.8 KB
Book 3 - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban 1.3 MB
Book 4 - Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire 1.8 MB
Book 5 - Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix 3.9 MB

http://ebook.mafia.or.id/index.php?dir=Harry%20Potter/&AutoIndex=29113319100f09f8a0aaf63c16fc41b3

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MORE BUFFY STUFF!
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Lydia Chalmers'Thesis on William the Bloody!
http://www.channelingboards.com/SpikeThesis/index.html
You can download it to your comp by right clicking then choose "save target as..." on the ling below.
http://www.channelingboards.com/SpikeThesis/spikethesis.pdf

Buffy and Angel unaired pilots
http://www.buffy.nu/article.php3?id_article=3590
http://www.benhen.com/pilots/

A FANTASTIC tribue video for "Chosen," the last episode of Buffy. (Spoilers, if you haven't seen season 7.)
Right click, save target as...
http://splitends.zftp.com/ChosenReflections.WMV

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9/4/05

My new nine year old girlfriend...

..hates niggers and fags.

Or should I say, she has been brought up to FREELY use the words "nigger" and Fag." But I've looked into her heart and there's no hatred there.

To clearify; Lora's nine year old cousin Ashley has come to live with us for a short time. Till Yule (December 21) at least and possibly beyond. Her redneck bastard of a father used the two aforementioned words pretty freely himself in front of his daughter and when she first got here I'm guessing she thought we did too.

Her first day here when we were showing her around the house, we got to my and Lora's bedroom and Ashley commented, "Wow, you guys must be best friends for REAL, cause you share the same bedroom."

We've explained that to her since then and she's even slept with us twice knowing that we're lovers. (NO! You dirty-minded fReEk! It was very innocent and you should be ASHAMED for thinking otherwise!!!)

She wanted to be close to us so we emptied the bedroom next to ours (It was full of old junk that use to belong to my dead grandma and we didn't want to use any of it.) and my step-dad is having some guys put in a door to connect our rooms. I originally wanted to put her down the hall in monster-head's room but accidently mentioned to her that monster-head would talk to her at night and keep her company and she slightly freeked out.

Lora has forbid me mentioning dead grandma, wallgnomes, metalic fly-things or any other "creature from my imagination" that happens to pop up. She also has been spending a lot of time with Ashley and to me it seems that she might be keeping her away from me. Not wanting the craziness to rub off, I guess.

After long talks about hatred and acceptence, Ashley is learning that "niggers" and "fags" are ugly words that are only used by the ignorant. She doesn't seem to be nor does she want to be...ignorant.

More as it developes. Tomorrow is a holiday so Ashley is staying next door with my little sister and me and Lora are partying!!! WOOHOO!