bad day today:(

Hard times and hard ways to go. I feel absent. The little squiggly things in my head won't sit still and my brain feels like it's going to explode with emotion if I don't find some kind of release. I keep thumping keep thumping keep thumping my head against the wall but to no avail. They won't stop being little squiggly things. They won't stop talking to me.

I've turned off all the lights, taken all the curtains down and opened all the windows. It feels cold and adandoned. Like I'm sitting in a big deserted room and the only reality is the screen in front of me. I feel that way all the time. Cold and abandonded and my only reality is in a world so close yet so impossible to reach with anything but my eyes and my fingertips. The darkness is upon me again and I think soon I shall go insane.

I hear things shuffling in the dark room around me. They come into view for only a moment. I catch just the slightest glimps of them out the corner of my eye and then they're gone. I'm so tired of being here.

They don't understand can't understand WON'T UNDERSTAND what they're doing to me and even if they do they just don't care. I yell shout SCREAM at the top of my lungs but no sound comes out of my mouth. I ask them to stop ask them to be quiet ask them to just go away but it only makes them tease me more and no matter how much I try to shut them out they're just too strong and I know they will win in the end. They always win in the end.

I've alienated all except my one true love. If the madness doesn't stop I'll eventually drive her away, too. Old people and drunks are my only friends. People who are so use to dealing with insanity and ones too out of it to care. I feel like the cold is the only thing stopping my mind from rotting away. Freezing it so the darkness can't chip it's way thru the ice to get at me. I'm frozen in a world of darkness surrounded my things that go bump in the night. And there's no escape going outward. The only way to get away from them is to draw myself further and further inward, but it's so dark and cold in there. So dark and cold inside my mind.

I don't know how she puts up with me. The truest love of my life is so strong but only because she has to be. For both of us. Because I can't be. I can taste her now. Butterscotch. She lingers on my lips for hours after we kiss. Her scent stays with me forever. Lilac or honeysuckle. Something so sweet and beautiful that it really has no description. No description that can be put into words at least. My love taste like butterscotch and smells of lilac. Thick on my lips and sweet to my sences. And strong enough to hold back the darkness. Without her I would surely be lost.

The little squiggly things are screaming now. Trying to push their way thru the ice and burrow into my mind. They like it there. They like the darkness.



Autumn. The smell of decay is in the air and I feel refreshed. The days are dark and cloudy and short. The nights are cold and I feel like the weight of Summer has been lifted from my shoulders. The Samhain festival that our community puts on every year starts this week. I can't wait.

Everyone here is preparing for Winter like it's a thing to be avoided but in my heart I feel a happiness that only comes this time of year. I feel guilty for this.

I miss my mom so much. She loved the Fall. She use to go outside with me to play in the dead leaves and laugh at people when they asked her if she were crazy. "No, just my daughter," she would joke, and we would both laugh when they gave us strange looks.

Last year she was dying of cancer and should have stayed in the hospital for treatment. Treatment that would have helped her live longer. But she wouldn't miss the festival. She spent as much time as she could enjoying what she knew would be her last Autumn on Earth. Her choice.

My worst memory of her happened on All Hallow's Eve. She had been outside enjoying the festival. I was sitting in my room looking out the window at her when she stumbled. My step-dad was right there to make sure she didn't fall. I couldn't hear what they were saying but I could tell that he was asking her if she were alright. She must have said no because he took her by the arm and helped her back into the House.

I never saw her go back outside after that.

I'm still not ready to relive what happened over the next month. My mom was a very strong and independent woman and I'll always remember that she kept a half package of coco in the fridge because she knew I like my cup of hot coco extra chocolatie. She would put a pack and a half in my cup then save the other half pack for me for next time.

She died on December 5th. My step-dad told me that she had stopped breathing twice during the night while she slept. The third time she never started again. He was there the entire three weeks she was in the hospital. I love him so much for being there with her. It broke him the way I've never seen anyone broken before. My step-dad is a good man and he loved my mother so much. I don't think he'll ever love another woman again. He's dedicated his life to raising my little brother to make sure he grows up to be a good man like him. I know he'll succeed.

I sit now and wait for the Fall to begin. The new year is upon us and it's a time for rebirth. A time to begin anew. It's what my mom would have wanted.

People say I'm a little bit crazy. I just laugh at them and say, "I know."

Mutant Enemy Closes Shop. Sara is sad:(

I guess this means no Buffy or Angel movies.

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" creator Joss Whedon is done with TV -- for now.

Twentieth Century Fox TV has approved Whedon's request to halt his overall deal at the studio, effectively shuttering his Mutant Enemy production shingle.
Besides wanting to focus on his feature career, Whedon said he decided to take a break from TV because, quite simply, he had run out of series ideas.
"I spent a lot of time trying to think what my next series would be," Whedon said. "I couldn't think of anything. When that happens, it generally means something is just not working. I didn't feel like I could come up with anything that the networks would want."
Whedon had a little over a year left on his overall pact with 20th Century Fox TV. Under terms of his departure, the scribe can't work on TV projects anywhere else. And if Whedon decides to return to TV, 20th gets first dibs.
"It would be a lie to say that I'm not disappointed, because I will miss working with Joss," said 20th Century Fox TV prexy Dana Walden.
"Hopefully, sooner rather than later, he'll have an inspired TV idea that he can't help himself from doing. ... We're just glad that when he decides to do TV again, it will be with us."
The departure doesn't affect Whedon's film career; the scribe is not set up anywhere on the feature side.
Whedon currently is writing and directing the feature "Serenity," based on his short-lived Fox skein "Firefly." He also has an animated TV version of "Buffy" in the works; that project will continue to be developed.
Mutant Enemy is expected to close shop as soon as this week; departing are the label's handful of staffers, including company president Chris Buchanan, who's been with Mutant Enemy since 2002 and is exec producing "Serenity."
"My career has always gone through phases of swelling and shrinking," Whedon said. "It's just a different phase, but this is hopefully not the end of my TV career. There are a lot of people I won't be working with that I will miss."
Mutant Enemy will continue with Whedon as the sole proprietor.
Whedon's decision caught some insiders off-guard. Given 20th's tremendous success with "Buffy" and its spinoff, "Angel," Whedon has more than earned his keep at the studio. So it's conceivable he could have finished out his deal at 20th without developing anything new -- and without anyone at the studio minding.
But Whedon dismissed that idea.
"It's possible, but I'm not interested in taking money that I don't earn," he said. "And I found out from 'Firefly' that I'm not the kind of producer who can throw something up on the wall every year and see if it sticks."
Whedon said his decision also was helped by personal matters: His second child is due to be born shortly. And, Whedon admits, he's discouraged by TV's reality boom.
"I have a bitter taste in my mouth with where TV has gone in the past five years," said Whedon, who called TV's reality trend "loathsome."

Whedon got his start on laffers like "Roseanne" and "Parenthood" before turning his attention to features. Scribe's credits include "Speed" and "Toy Story," as well as the original film version of "Buffy."
"When we did the pilot of 'Buffy,' Joss' agent told us he'd be with the show for the first 13 episodes and then go back to his feature career," Walden said. "Given that we're hundreds of episodes of TV shows later, he's finally turning back to features. It would be unfair of me not to understand."

Sara says; "I've been puting off making a Buffy tribute for two years now due to not wanting it to be over, but now I guess it's time. I'll post it soon in the form of a website. Right now I need to cry."


The Bendis Board has been locked down again. This time it was over something very small. I think the writing is on the wall and my extreme attitude might not be welcome there anymore. I've restrained from posting much over the last couple of weeks because I saw how sensitive it was getting and I get banned a LOT from message boards. I didn't want to take the chance of getting banned there, too, but it looks like that was all for naught.

My desire to go there is almost gone. I don' think I'll be posting much anymore if I even post at all. I only get a few replies to what I post anyways so I probably won't be missed much. I like most of the peeps that go to the board and hate seeing this happen to them. Some are very upset about it. Was it fair to shut down the board? If it was shut down over one arguement then NO, it wasn't fair, but I get a strong feeling it was more than whats known.

So to my friends at the board that read this, I'll be here if you need me.


MKA Haters!

For all you Mary Kate and Ashley haters>>>
These girls are SCORCHING HOT! And for the record, there is absolutely nothing wrong with lesbian incest! Especially between TWINS!

(FAKE, but cool.)

I have officially joined...

The No More Bush Girls! Our mission, to make sure George Bush is NOT re-elected and to shave regularly!


Email problems.

For some urber-stupid reason yahoo won't let me access my email so if you want to reach me it's xsaraxpoex@gmail.com.


Which would hurt worse???



Or this?


Quincy...little city that sits on a bluff 100 feet above the Mississippi River. The community I live in is just north of the city( circled in red.) The path I walk to the nearest store (the green dot.)is marked in yellow. The resale shop we own is in the uptown area, circled in blue. The two white lines are the bridges leading to Missouri and WAY down at the bottom is the Lock and Dam where every year around January, hundreds of American Bald Eagles converge because thats the only part of the Mississippi river that's not frozen. People come from all around just to watch them fish.

Quincy is the only city with more than a few thousand people for over a hundred miles. St Louis is 125 miles south and Chicago is 250 miles north.

He proved that a man could fly!

Goodbye, Christopher Reeve, you WILL be missed.

she sits quietly in the corner...

banging the back of her head against the wall but otherwise doing nothing to draw attention. the knife in her hand is sharp and she drags the blade across the floor making shapes and symbols that have no meaning. Or perhaps only no meaning to the sane.

she keeps hearing a "splat" sound behind her, then realises she only hears it when her head makes contact with the wall. Something warm and wet and thick is dripping down on her back.
The gnomes are dancing about the floor around her singing, "Cherish the darkness, and let us sort out the mess." Tho they never do and the mess just keeps getting bigger and bigger with each wet thud her head makes against the wall.
Little creatures that resemble flys buzz around her head landing on her ears every so often whispering horrible things to her. Dark and horrible things.
She gets up and walks over to the computer to see whats going on in the world. The red smears on the keyboard are invisible to her even tho they make her fingers slip and type the wrong letters. She wants to talk about fish but the K becomes a H followed by an E then a L and lastly a P.

The entire world is a bright screen in front of her surrounded by darkness smeared in red.
The wallgnomes won't stop singing.
"Cherish the darkness, and let us sort out the mess."
But they never do.

she wants to get inside the world but every time she tries her head hits the screen and leaves behind more invisible red marks that casts a pink hue on her face. She looks in the mirror and thinks, "one more pink thing for the wall." But the staple gun is downstairs so it'll have to wait for the morrow.

the fly creatures are crawling all over her hands now, making them itch but she can't scratch because the fly things are throwing up, then sucking the vomit back into their mouths and they look so peaceful and happy that she doesn't want to disturb them.

more wallgnomes have come out now. They're still singing and some are sitting in her lap while others are playing in the matted wet stickiness of her hair getting more and more tangled in it by the second. they start to pull and she wants to scream but that would make them leave and she would be alone.

she can't be alone right now.

the dog across the street keeps barking and although she knows how wrong it is to poson your neighbor's dog she's sorely tempted.

it caused a big problem last time.

the knife she left in the corner has come to sit in her lap next to the wallknomes and it's started talking to her. it never use to talk to her but its lonely now, too, and wants to go outside to play. perhaps with the neighbor's dog.

she looks at the Barbie dolls her mother bought her when she was little. they're on the wall next to the rotting pink things. she devised very imaginative ways to make sure they stayed on the wall.

One Barbie has a nail thru her chest. another she burned and melted just enough so it would stick. another is stapled to a cross and it looks like that savior everybody talks about so much. another is hung with a tight wire around her neck and yet another she banged so hard against the wall that now it's just legs sticking out of a hole. and what she did to Ken is too horrible to discribe in a public forum.

she has 19 more Barbies that sit in the bottom of her closet awaiting their fate. she knows one day they will come to life and seek revenge.

Barbie hell.

she's leaving now. going back to the corner to see if that sound is still behind her. hopefully the knife will follow and the wallgnomes will keep singing.

"tra la la lalala. cherise the darkness, and let us sort out the mess."
but the damn things never do.



My step-dad and little brother flew in today to surprise me for my birthday. yay, me. 19 now. My step-dad had a gift for me from my mom. She died in December and this is my first birthday without her and it hurts and I'm sad and don't feel like doing anything or even writing anymore.



Depressed tonight. I want a real doll. ( http://realdoll.com ) But Lora doesn't want me to get one. It's NOT for sexual purposes cause, ew, but just so I have someone here with me while Lora is gone all day. But she says that I'll get crazy and start treating it like its real. (Remember the monster head in my "13 Days" post?) She said she'd come home one night and and I'd say something like, "Well, realdoll told me..." or something to that effect. I probably would tho. My brain doesn't seem to accept that such things aren't alive. Plus there are my crazy days when I seem to get reality blurred in with my imagination. That happens more often than I'd like.

They cost $5,000 for the cheap ones. Which isn't too bad when you consider that you'll have a friend for life! So when Lora finally gets tired of my insanity and leaves me I'd still have her, my realdoll. :) Plus, although I've never been into plastic, I'd REALLY like to examine her pussy just to see if it's really really real like.

Oh, well. If I get one I'll post nudies of her. :)



I won awards at the Bendis Board!! Brian Michael Bendis has a board and they have a yearly award thing, and I WON! Best newbie and best female poster! I RAWK!!!

Sprites by Sara Poe!

YAY ME!! I'm actually getting pretty good at making these little super-hero sprites!


Marvel Comics; Golden Age facts you might NOT know!

Martin Goodman, in the late 1930s, was a publisher of pulp magazines, including Complete Western Book, Star Detective, Uncanny Stories, Ka-Zar, and Mystery Tales. He was, like most publishers in the 1930s, looking for a new trend in the public's buying habits; Goodman was particularly desperate because his pulps were not successful. In August 1938 he started [b]Marvel Science Stories[/b], as a way to make money off of the boom, in the late 1930s, in science fiction pulp magazines, such as the now-legendary Astounding Science Fiction.---------------------------------------------Timely was originally known as the "Red Circle" group because of the logo that Goodman had put on his pulp magazines.---------------------------------------------The Sub-Mariner was NOT originally a Timely Comics character but had been developed for and appeared in First Funnies' "Motion Picture Funnies Weekly," a promotional magazine designed to be given away at movie theatres.---------------------------------------------Marvel Comics number one, (became Marvel Mystery Comics with issue number two.) not only brought the Sub-Mairner to Timely, but also introduced the Human Torch, Ka-Zar the Great (a holdover from Goodman's pulps), the Jungle Terror, and the Masked Raider and his horse Lightning, cover dated October 1939.--------------------------------------------The very first super-hero crossover was between Bill Everett's Sub-Mairner and Carl Burgos' Human Torch in Marvel Mystery Comics #8-10, with the first two issues ending in cliffhangers.---------------------------------------------More about the Sub-Mairner...he hasn't changed much since his first appearance, in being the only actual Marvel character that can be switched from hero to villian without his personaliy suffering. Namor has always walked the line between good and bad.----------------------------------------------Timely was a predominate Jewish company with Goodman, Simon, Kirby (Jacob Kurtzberg) and Stan Lee (Stanley Lieber) so when the Nazi party began being used as villians the name Hitler was changed to Hiller. Another reason was because Martin Goodman feared legal action for using the name. -----------------------------------------------Many think that Marvel Boy was a product of the fifties but was actually created by Simon and Kirby in Daring Mystery Comics #6. The Hellcat, Patsy Walker, is also a Golden Age character, and so is the Black Widow, USA Comics #5.-----------------------------------------------Captain America first appeared in Captain America Comics #1 cover-dated March, 1941, but was actually created over half a year earlier.-----------------------------------------------Captain America was not the first patriotic superhero in comics. That was Irv Novick's The Shield, who appeared in Pep Comics, starting in November or December 1939 (Pep Comics #1 had a January 1940 cover date. The Shield had been followed that February by Louis Cazeneuze's the Eagle, in Fox's Science Comics #1, a book which also featured a character called "Dr. Doom"). Timely was threatened with a lawsuit; a central part of their claim was that Captain America's triangular shield made him look like the Shield, who had a triangular shield on the front of his costume. Goodman agreed to change the look of Cap's shield, something that Kirby, for one, was happy about (he'd always preferred the round shield as being both more effective and a better design.)--------------------------------------------------Stan Lee's first published work was in Captain America Comics #3.-------------------------------------------------Marvel has ALWAYS had very strong ties to New York and it's people. The Young Allies were Bucky, Toro, and a group of kids from New York City: Knuckles, Whitewash, Tubby, and Jeff. Joe Simon got the idea for the book's name from Boy Allies, a favorite childhood book of his, and Kirby drew on his own experience, recreating in a comic book his neighborhood gang. Young Allies was the first of comic's "kid gang" books. (See Boy Commandos, Newsboy Legion and Lev Gleason's Little Wise Guys.)--------------------------------------------"Whitewash" was the name of Timely's first recurring African-American character.-------------------------------------------Some fans complain nowadays about comics with variant covers. But in fall of 1941 saw Human Torch Comics #5 - its second #5. Human Torch Comics #5 (the first one) had appeared in early summer of 1941, and, apparently, Goodman/Simon decided that a book with the #5 on the cover should have five issues published, so a second Human Torch Comics #5 appeared in the early fall. However, the second #5 was significant for more than just the repeated number; it featured a 64-page battle between the Human Torch and the Sub-Mariner, who (with his Atlantean army) was trying to destroy the surface world. This issue sold very well, and eventually became known as the Torch-Namor battle.-------------------------------------------Cool story about the Lee/Kirby team...
***Towards the end of 1941 Simon and Kirby had done ten issues of Captain America and made him Timely's most popular book; it was selling on a level only Superman and Batman could touch. Simon and Kirby were not, however, pleased with Timely. Both Simon and Kirby were acting as editors and art directors, and between those jobs and their work - not only for Timely, but for other companies (Kirby and Simon were continuing to work on Blue Bolt, for one) - their schedules were quite busy - Kirby was doing up to nine pages a day. Worse still, from their point of view, they were getting relatively little money, despite the popularity of Captain America Comics.
Then Morris Coyne, Timely's accountant, let Simon & Kirby know that, despite their contract with Goodman - Simon getting 15% of profits from Cap and kirby getting 10% - they still weren't getting their proper share, and that Goodman had been misleading them. (Coyne's reason for telling Simon and Kirby this was simple: he had holdings in the MLJ line of comics, and most likely thought that, if Simon & Kirby left Timely, they'd go to MLJ - whose publisher, John Goldwater, had once already tried to lure the pair away from Timely, during the meeting over the shape of Captain America's shield)
Naturally, Simon and Kirby were unhappy about this. They immediately got in touch with Jack Liebowitz, the publisher of National Comics. Liebowitz jumped at the chance to employ the pair, and he offered to double their salaries, to $500 a week. (To put this in prospective, the median salary, in 1941, was $2000 a year) Simon & Kirby agreed, continuing their work for Timely during the day while secretly doing pages for National at night.
Stan Lee grew suspicious and started investigating, quizzing Simon & Kirby and finally tailing them to the hotel where they worked on their pages for National. He grilled them on what they were doing, and after they swore him to secrecy they told him about their impending move to National.
Lee went to his uncle, Martin Goodman, and told him about Simon & Kirby's imminent departure. Goodman confronted the pair, and when they confessed, he fired them. We can only wonder how comics would have turned out had Goodman paid Simon and Kirby as they deserved; while we would never have seen their Guardian, the Sandman, the Newsboy Legion, the Boy Commandos, and the other characters they did for National and other companies, in all likelihood they would have produced work of equal or higher value for Timely.
With the departure of Simon and Kirby Timely was left without an Editor-in-Chief and an Art Director. Stan Lee took over both positions, completing his move from the bottom of the company, as gopher, to almost the top in less than a year's time.***----------------------------------------------In Krazy Komics #12 the entire Timely staff drew themselves into one story, which was not the first time that artists at Timely had placed themselves in a comic; that had taken place in an early issue of Marvel Mystery, where Bill Everett and Carl Burgos had appeared and argued the merits of the Human Torch and the Sub-Mariner. And in June, 1942, in Marvel Mystery Comics #34 (cover dated August 1942), Everett, Burgos, Martin Goodman, and the Funnies, Incorporated office appeared in a story and battled Hitler. So the practice Marvel adopted during the 1960s, of sometimes placing their staff into the stories themselves, actually dates back much farther than that.----------------------------------------------------At the beginning of 1943, in Captain America Comics #33, Captain America and Bucky announced, on the Sentinels of Liberty club page, that the war's metal shortage was such that Timely would no longer be giving away any more of the Captain America badges which new members of the Sentinels of Liberty received. Bucky suggested that the club members use their dimes to buy war savings stamps, instead. Timely then announced that for every dime their readers sent to the War Department, Timely would also send a dime. Although there's no way of knowing how much Timely's offer of matched contributions actually raised for the war effort, it was still a patriotic, and unprecedented, move.-------------------------------------------------During the Golden Age, Timely did something todays publishers seem afraid to do. They published books geered directly toward teen-age girls with Miss Fury (By Tarpe Mills, one of the rare female talents of the Golden Age.) the Blonde Phantom, Tessie the Typist, Namora, Sun Girl, Venus and Miss America Magazine with Patsy Walker, Millie the Model, and Nellie the Nurse. These comics were largely the creation of Stan Lee who, even then, sought to do exciting and different things in the field.-------------------------------------------------Captain America's popularity and success led to Marvel's first film; in 1944 Republic Pictures, purveyors of fine serials, released Captain America, which although bearing relatively little resemblance to the comic book character (no shield, a female assistant, and Steve Rogers being a District Attorney rather than a soldier) was still a box office success.-------------------------------------------------During World War II there was a shortage of paper for all publishers, due to the war-time paper rationing, but Goodman's attorney, Jerry Perles, somehow managed to persuade the War Office that Timely needed as much paper during the war as it had needed before the war.-------------------------------------------------Timely Comics did NOT become Marvel Comics. They changed their name to Atlas Comics, which eventually became Marvel as we know it today.


The 13 Days of HELL!!!

Sara's Journal!!!
Day One!
Do you know the sound a hard drive makes crashing down a flight of stairs? I do :) Lora and me got into a HUGE fight (three years together and this was our first yelling fight, tho she did most of the yelling. My insanity is more of the "stare in silence so you wonder what horrors I'm thinking" type.) It was all over me spending too much time online. She says I need a life outside of the net and I disagree. I don't like outside and shouldn't have to deal with it if I don't want to.
Anyways, I finally got sick of it so I went upstairs, grabbed my comp tower, and in a HUGE burst of adrenaline, dragged it and everything hooked to it and tossed it down the stairs where it landed right by the front door. (It had to be adrenaline cause I'm like, TOTALLY weak and should never have been able to drag all that crap the way I did.)
This of course, did not have the effect I intended. Thinking of it now I'm not really sure what I intended. Anger is a bad thing and we should really think before we act on it. :(
So here it is, day four without a comp, and I've decided to keep a journal of events in my life while offline. Days one thru three are from memory.
Day Two!!!
I decided that being w/o a comp isn't so bad. I wrote some poems. Borrowed Lora's gel pen to do so and she gave me a look. We're not really speaking but no fighting either.
I went riding. Something I don't do often anymore. My baby WyldWynd missed me and nayed at me when I went to the stables. We went all over the community, got home about one pm and ate lunch with dead grandma. She's mad at me, too, but she's always mad at me so who cares.
Not much else happened.
Day Three!!!
Went to town with my step-dad's best friend Jacob. Mall to do some shoping. Went to Spencers and bought this big glow in the dark monster head that I mounted on the bedroom wall like a deer head, the way hunters do. Lora didn't notice it till we got in bed that night and she turned off the light. "Oh God," was the only thing she said then turned her back to me. Hard getting to sleep.
Day Four!!!
I'm starting this journal so I'll have something to do. I'll probably post it at the Bendis Board so everyone can see what a loser I am. :( My neighbor Annalara came by this morning and had breakfast with me as usual. I went to the community center with her. I can't get online there because of something I did last year that I won't talk about. I thought it was funny but nobody else did.
Annalara will be 50 yo next week. we're both Libras and have a lot in commom. She's lived here all her life, never married, rarely goes into town and seems to like being alone. She has lots of cats, too. I have more love and respect for this woman than almost anyone I know.
Lora and me had a good laugh today together so I think we're on talking terms again. Nothing much else happened except a 10 hour Buffy marathon. I LOVE having a dvd player. :)
Day Five!!!
Another boring day. Watched Buffy most of the day except for a break around five pm when Lora got home. She had Tammy and Lindsey with her. Lindsey is getting married to Kyle. They make a great couple. Decided to bury all the sharpest knives in the backyard. Annalara came out(her backyard is connected to mine.) as I was stomping the loose dirt down and asked me what I was planting. I told her and she just laughed thinking I was joking.
More Buffy around eight pm till midnight then bed. My monster head is starting to give me weird looks.
Day Six!!!
Talked to Lora about getting a new comp this morning. I don't think it's fair that she gets to have the credit cards and I don't but the last one I had I kinda went overboard at the comicbook store and my step-dad took it from me. Now even tho I'm almost nineteen I'm not allowed to have one. :( Jacob came over after lunch and was already drinking beer. He's a cool guy but I get nervous around him when he's drunk. I know he would never try anything on me because my step-dad would kill him but he makes a lot of sexual remarks that I don't like.
I've also decided to protest not getting a new comp by NOT showering. I think that in two weeks I'll stink so bad Lora will have to break down and get me one. I was gonna cut her off from sex but I like sex too much so...
My hand is cramping from writing so much.
Day Seven!!!
Talked to Lora about getting a comp again this morning. She acts like she controls my life sometimes. I love her so much but I'm not a child that she can do that way. I have some mental problems and sometimes do things that make me look crazy but I'm really not. I spent time on Blessing Hospital's sixth floor (ward for troubled teens) when I was 16 but I'm doing better now and rarely forget to take my meds.
I got SO bored that I carried all my comp stuff, which has been in the hall closet since its demise, back upstairs and hooked it back up hoping it would work. Instead of "BEEP" followed by boot up sounds it kind of sizzled and popped once. I got scared and went to the celler to kill the power because I was afraid to unplug it but when I got to the fuse box I didn't know what to do. There were no fuses at all in there, just a bunch of switches that said on and off. I didn't know which to turn off(plus I left my oven mits upstairs) so I ran over to Annalara's house and she went to the celler and turned them off till we unhooked the comp. I felt really dumb.
She tried to talk to me about spending more time with Lora and less online but I started daydreaming about the Bendis Board and didn't really hear what she said. I think maybe I'll try buttering Lora up tomorrow :)
My monster head gave me another weird look today. I think it's plotting something.
Day Eight!!!
Today started off REALLY well! I went to the resale shop with Lora and helped her till noon then we left cause it was slow and went walking around town. Went to Dollar General (which Lora thinks is just SO great cause she grew up on welfare and shopped there all the time with her drunk mom. Most of the stuff there is just cheap crap.) She bought these really tacky nick-nacks of frogs and said she was gonna put them in the living room. I made sure to carry the bag they were in and when we got to the car I left the ugly things at the curb. She asked about them when we got home but all I said was that I thought she had them. Now I feel guilty about it :( She's in the shower(she asked me if i was gonna shower tonight. hehe!) and when she gets out I'm going to confess what I did.
I think there are wires growing in my feet.
Day Nine!!!
Another good day...kindasorta. Lora is a little mad at me about the ugly frogs but I gave her good face this morning and it kinda made up for it. She started to go down on me then said, "why don't you go take a shower." I laughed but didn't say anything. She's smart and will figure it out soon...I HOPE! Before breakfast she asked me if I knew what happened to all the knives.
Tonight wasn't so good. Lora came home with Tammy and wanted to watch RAW with me. She NEVER watches wrestling so I'm kinda thinking this is her way of saying that she'll start getting into my stuff if I spend more time doing her stuff, which I have. But i did something REALLY dumb while we were watching it.
I was sitting in my chair, as I do every Monday and Thursday, and was writing down the results in my notebook as I always do, when this commercial came on. It was about these three day cruises on a boat. The commercial was talking about how you could get away from it all for a few days. So I said OUTLOUD, "I wish that bitch Tammy would take Lora on one of those and get her out of my hair for a few days." And as soon as I said it I realised that they were sitting there with me. Lora never watches wrestling with me and my brain doesn't work right all the time so I completely forgot they were there. :(
So I looked at them and they were both staring at me like I was just fucking crazy. i couldn't help but to start laughing my ass off. Tammy got mad and left. Lora walked her to the door and then walked by me and said, "You're something else." Then she went upstairs and was asleep when I went up to apologize.
Big Bossman died. I'll have to remember to check on how he died when/if I ever get back online. :(
Day Ten!!!
I'm not putting what I wrote in my journal here because 1) I don't remember writing it, and 2) people would think I'm REALLY crazy if they read it so...
Day Eleven!!!
Me, Lora and my sisters went to Annalara's house today to have a birthday lunch with her. She had told us not to make a big deal about it but she's like family so we couldn't help ourselves.
I apologized to Tammy yesterday for what I said t'other night. She was nice about it but thinks I'm insane. So does most everyone else around here but who cares. Lora brought home a 24 pack of toilet paper and left it in the living room. After she went to bed I saw it sitting there and went out and TPed Jacob's house :) He's been over twice this week drunk so I'm thinking he deserved it. He'll know it was me because two years ago I went crazy after Samhain and went out TPing houses in the community every night for a week till I got caught. Nobody thought it was funny and they told my mom. Elder Malcolm knew it was me all along but didn't say anything till he caught me doing his house. He came out while I was doing it and yelled, "SARA!!" I ran but he'd already seen me.
I'm beginning to stink :p Lora and muh big sissy Analie both commented about it. :) My monster head even told me that I need a bath tonight.
Day Twelve!!!
It's cold out tonight. I'm sitting on my front porch as I write this and there are bats and nighthawks flying around catching insects. My bestest friend since I was eight use to live across the street from me till she went away to college last month. Her mom and dad are rarely home and the place is mostly dark now. I miss her so much. :(
The community center is busy tonight. Lots of people there having fun. Both my sisters are there and asked me earlier if I wanted to hang out. But since I don't really like either of them I said no. Lora is at a movie with Tammy and should be home by midnight.
Annalara just came out the front of the center and yelled for me to come over and have some fun. Maybe if it wasn't so crowded I would but being around lots of people makes me nervous so I told her I was busy. She shrugged at me and went back inside. I lead such a boring life.
Monster head told me earlier that he needed a name. I asked him what name he wanted and he just stared at me. Lora came in while we were talking and said she thought it was time to take it down because i was acting crazy about it.
Day Thirteen!!!
I REALLY need a bath. :( Monster head got put in the closet today cause I'm tired of listening to his shit. I get enough of it from everyone else so I really don't need it from him.
I called Dell and Gateway to see what it would take to get a comp delivered to my house. $89.00 on delivery but the comps are cheap crap with only 56k memory. I think my watch has more memory than that!
Reread day ten and couldn't believe what i wrote. I asked Lora about it and she said it was one of my "crazy days." They come more often lately. It's no wonder I never get any company. Other than Annalara and drunk Jacob nobody comes to see me when Lora isn't home. She has lots of friends and is loved by everyone and I'm the weirdo she lives with. Dead grandma told me to poison them all but that would be too extreme I think. Especially after the dog incident when I was fifteen. :The way things have been going the last few years I think my sanity will be completely gone by the time I'm 25. Annalara says that I'm just more "in tuned" with the universe, and Jacob, tact not being his specialty, just says I'm nuts. He came over the day after I TPed his house and got onto me about it. Telling me I needed to stop acting so crazy or "they" would put me away someday. I told him I would probably end up there someday anyways so why not have fun while I was free. :)
Dead grandma didn't visit at all today, which is unusual. The knives I buried are mysteriously back in the top drawer. Lora probably mentioned to Annalara that they were missing and Annalara told her I said I'd buried them so she dug them up. At least I HOPE thats how they got back there.
Had to stop that last entry cause muh baby Lora brought my new comp home (YAY!!!) so I've spent the last ten hours getting my security back (firewall, spyware killers, ect) putting my display settings the way I like them, (windows gray is soooooooo ugly!) and putting all my files and stuff from the disks i had them saved on(two comp crashes taught me to BACK UP EVERYTHING!). Now everything feels right with the world. :)