Welcome to my darkness. If you've come to condemn or are offended by the insanity at this blog then GO AWAY! Your God doesn't live here!
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11/30/04

Sara's 10 Rules of Life!

1. Murphy's Law; If somehing can go wrong, it probably will.

2. Well behaved women don't make history.

3. Teddy bears aren't so scarey once you've watch your cat hump one a few times.

4. Don't believe everything you think.

5. Never cut what you can untie.

6. She who collects the most toys, still dies.

7. There is nothing there in the dark thats not there in the light.

8. Fear what's in the light.

9. Some days it's just not worth gnawing thru the straps.

10. The enemy is fear. We think it is hate, but it is fear.

11/29/04

Not good:(

I took this a few months ago and scored about the same. I was hoping that my results would improve but no such luck. At least they haven't gotten much worse.

DisorderRating
Paranoid:High
Schizoid:Very High
Schizotypal:Very High
Antisocial:High
Borderline:Moderate
Histrionic:Moderate
Narcissistic:Moderate
Avoidant:Moderate
Dependent:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --


11/28/04

Darksoulz

Please comment. If you don't want to hurt my feelings then just don't leave your name, but I need honest feedback on this. Thankx:)

11/26/04

kitty^_^

11/24/04

I also had a great ideal for a book...

It went like this...

***The story of a man, who did something spectacular waaaaaaay back when. a book was written about this man and his decendents (some of which also did spectacular things.) over two thousand years. the last in the recorded lineage of this man was the most spectacular and also his was the last story told in the book.

This planet's civilization was based on that book and the amazing adventures within.***

So Lora read it and said, "Hey, isn't this about the bible?"

So I dropped the whole ideal

An apology:(

I just want to apologize to anyone I emailed and/or insulted yesterday. It was a crazy day and I shouldn't have been online. Several people have emailed me telling me I musta forgot my meds. So If you were one of the recipiants then just ignore please. :(

11/20/04

Mermaid Egg!

Thank you for that. It was hauntingly beautiful. Reminded me of Michelle Branch. I'll keep it close to me.:)

I tried to check out your blog but it doesn't exist. :\ Are you going to remain mysterious or tell me who you are? :)

11/19/04

Sara's Insanity!

Before reading this post please read the one below it. Thank You.

S'ok, now you know where my thoughts are at. I've become almost obsessed with Jessica Dolin. I think she would have liked that. :\ Anyways, my insanity stretches back to for as long as I can remember. My therapist thinks it started when I was eight. It was my first year in Quincy(we had moved from Chicago) and I was standing on the banks of the Mississippi River when I saw my dad die in a boating accident.

It's something I've always had a problem talking about but of late it's been easier. It effected me profoundly, making me absolutely hate going outside. It also sparked a darkness inside of me that I proudly display to this day.

I had my first lesbian experiance when I was 12. My best friend, Kay, and me were curious about each other so one night she was sleeping over and it just happened. This pic was taken the very next day.

Notice how I'm all up on her, but she's sitting normal. Our experiance was a life change for me. I never had been attracted to guys before that, and the experiance pretty much made up my mind about my sexuality. I did have a boyfriend when I was fifteen, but it was a peer presure thing and didn't last.

Sara at 15.
The pic below was taken right before my stay at the "ward for trouble teens" at Newman Clinic.

The pic below is Lora's favorite. It's me on our prom night. She took it as I was talking to my dead grandmother in the mirror.

People that think I'm crazy can now look deep into my eyes and see for yourself if there is madness in there.

Well? Your opinion?

Scared now...

**"Sometime in the darkest hours of May 14, after putting away the groceries from WinCo and watching some old episodes of the X-Files, Jessica Dolin descended the creaky staircase into the basement of her North Portland bungalow, lit a candle and arranged nine Tarot cards in an upside-down cross, with the card of Justice at the intersection. Then she swallowed a handful of sleeping pills, slit her wrists with a paring knife and tied a plastic bag over her head. Her girlfriend discovered her crumpled, lifeless body by the washing machine the following afternoon. She was 29 years old."**

I read this and felt sad for her.

**"Jessica Dolin suffered from bipolar disorder, better known as manic depression--a disease so devastating that approximately 10 percent of its victims kill themselves, according to the American Psychiatric Association."**

I read this and began to feel very scared for myself. I was diagnosed as a manic depressiant when I was 16. I've always joked about my mania, saying that I would probably be completely insane by the time I'm 25. Now I'm worried that I'll do something extreme like this.

I don't want my Lora to find me dead by my own hand in the basement one day.

I don't know if I can stop it either. Sometimes my mind goes haywire and I have trouble controling what I do. Sometimes things that are normal seem strange to me. And sometimes I just feel like screaming till all the pain goes away. I get so tired of pretending that it doesn't hurt.

I wish I had someone close that understands these things. Most people don't believe that I see the things I see, or they think I act the way I do to get attention. BELIEVE ME, the last thing I want in life is attention. I just want to be myself, but that's becoming harder and harder all the time.

Sometimes things are okay, and I can live a normal life. Sometimes they get really bad, and life is anything but normal. I don't see how Lora puts up with it. She is so strong and loves me so much. My heart aches every time I think about how much I love her. I'm so scared that I'll hurt her one day being selfish.

Sometimes I just feel so lost.

Jessica Dolin lasted till she was 29 years old. I'm hoping to last longer. If you really want to know whats inside my head, read the site Jessica's sister put up. It decribes Jessica's fall into madness well.

For some reason my blog won't let me put links so just copy and paste the link below...please look at the site.
http://www.catchingadarkness.com/essay1.html

11/13/04

Smiles!:) Bats and bloodflys fluttering on a foggy night!

Babies crying. :)

Red candles. :)

Snow! :)

Coyote's howling. :)

Stepping on broken lightbulbs! :)

Today is a happy day. I feel good. Lora's friend Amy is here and she's so sweet. Special thankx to Toufue Lo from the Bendis Board. You're the only one that replied to my last post and after meeting Amy, I felt the same way.:)

Anyways, today is a happy day. I took my meds on time this morning and am feeling pretty durn good about life. I had an excellent nightmare last night.

Lora and me were living in this old gray house. It looked like it had been abandoned for years. I never got to see the outside of it but the inside was cold and decrepid. Paint was peeling off the walls, plaster lay in piles on the floor, and I think there was a huge hole going through all three floors and the roof cause the middle of every room looked like it had a sunroof. Like a huge beam of light was shining right on the center of the floor.

The third floor was a square hallway with doors on each wall and a huge hole in the floor so big that we had to press our backs against the wall and scoot around it to get to the stairs. One of the doors led to our bedroom.

The bedroom looked like one I saw in a movie once. Naked walls with a matrice on the floor. No curtain on the only window. Just an old piss-yellow shade. The matrice had a dirty looking sheet and two pillows on it.

I woke up wanting to be there. To be there in that room, on that matrice, getting up and walking over to raise the piss-yellow shade and looking out to whatever world I was living on. I wish I was brave enough for something like that.

Instead I sit here in this room, surrounded by comforts and eye pleasures, exploring more and more of the cyberworld with the click of the mouse. Pictures on a screen aren't enough to make up for it.

Sounds sad but those are really happy thoughts.

'Nuff said.

Sara Poe...racist???

Lora told me this morning that an old friend of her's is coming for a visit. A girl she grew up with that moved away from Quincy a few years ago. She asked me if it was okay that the girl stayed tomorrow (Saturday) night here. "Of course," says I. "Why would you think it not?"

"Well," says she. "The girl is black."

"So," say I. "I have black friends."

"Who?" She asks.

...:?

Ok, let me just say that Quincy has only 38,000 people and only 4% of those are black. Plus, I don't even live in the city, but about a half mile north of it, and never really spent much time there other than school, where I was pretty much a loner. So when it comes to the friends department I have very few as it is. I do know some black people but thinking about it, I really don't KNOW any black people.

So now I'm worried about this girl thats coming to stay with us. How do I act around her? What do I say so as NOT to sound too white? I've realised that I know absolutely nothing about black people. Mainly because I've never thought about it. People have always been just people to me. Until Lora hit me with that "she's black" thing. Now I'm confused and not knowing how to feel about this.

Does my ignorance, and now my uncertainty, make me a racist in some way?

There aren't any black people here in the community. I don't ever remember having a black person in my house before. I lived next door for ten years and never once do I remember any black people being there. And the year I've lived here in dead grandma's house hasn't been any different. I've never personally heard anyone I know say anything racist. (Then again it's hard to hear what people say when I refuse to go out much to interact with them.)

Lora grew up in Harrison Hills. The Hills, as we call it, is a government housing project and is about 50% black (which is probably most of the black people in Quincy.) so I know my baby has had black friends and doesn't have a racist bone in her body. (She's more of the "To Serve Man' is a lesbian cookbook" kinda gal.)

So I'm thinking, "she asked me because she thinks I might be a bigot?" Or maybe she just wasn't sure how I felt about it. Which would mean that after three years together she doesn't know me as well as I thought she did. Or maybe she knows me better than I know myself?????

I embarris her enough as it is. I don't want to do it tomorrow in front of her friend. Staying in the bedroom the whole time she's here would be WAY too rude and I wouldn't do Lora that way.

I'm really iffin' about this whole thing. I don't want to talk to Lora about it because she would feel bad. She's been depressed enough since the election.

11/10/04

Not quiet broken...

Survived another week of near mania. My mind hasn't been right lately so I've kept myself from replying on message boards and to emails. I did some crazy shit here at home and Lora is kinda upset with me.

She called me spooky. :(

See, I tried to make Jack (BKA Monsterhead, from my earlier posts. YES, he talked me into letting him out of the closet.) a body. This way I wouldn't have to carry him room to room while we were trying to have a conversation.

So I got some boards that were about three feet long and 2 inches square. I nailed them together as best I could but I'm SO not a carpenture and it kept falling apart. So I took Lora's dress maniquen(that's not spelled right and I don't care.)and put a board thru one shoulder and out the other so it would have arms. Then I put my black leather trench coat and black top hat on it. A glove on each end of the board and it looked pretty damn cool.

Lora got a little freaked about it and won't let it in the bedroom while she's sleeping. Which is usually my computer hours so my friend Jack has to sit by himself in the spare bedroom way down at the end of the hall at night. Whenever I go downstairs to get coffee or munchies he calls out to me.

"Sara," he says. "Let me out. She'll never know. You can put me back before she wakes in the morning."

I tried to get dead grandma to sit in there with him ( HA! The conversations they would have!) but she keeps telling me that he's not real and I should just quit it.

I really hate her sometimes.

I'll be posting more tonight about my week. Right now Lora is home and she needs my attention since she's been depressed Kerry lost the election. Laterzzzzz>>>>>>>>>

11/1/04

HAVE A GREAT SAMHAIN!!!


We've got a lot of out of towners here in the community this weekend cause we're having a HUGE festival. So we're at the community center (which is almost directly across the street from my house.)for this big luncheon and my "archenemy" Erica was there. I have nothing against her but she hates me with a passion. (Mainly because she couldn't get her damn dog to stop barking all night, and I did.)
So we have these long tables lined up and I'm between two of them helping to serve people. Erica decides that she wants to be between the same two tables as me. With people sitting at the tables theres not much room, especially for two people. So we bumped butts. She gave me a dirty look and I just ignored her. A minute later we bumped butts again and she almost dropped the tray she was carrying. She mumbled something under her breath and I ignored her again and walked back into the kitchen.
She follows me and as soon as we got in the kitchen she starts yelling at me. I said, "Why don't you just shut up, bitch, and stay out of my way." (Okay, none of that came out of my mouth but I heard myself say it in my head. :? ) Lora stepped between us. :)
She told Erica, in the sweetest little street voice ya ever heard, "You best get out her face." I turn around to get another tray, thinking it was all over, and just like that they started fist fighting. :( Right there in the kitchen in front of everyone! Erica got on top of Lora and was hitting her. So I grabbed her by her hair and was trying to pull her off of Lora cause YOU JUST DO NOT TOUCH MY BABY LIKE THAT! So Erica punched me right in the nose. :(
It was kinda funny cause, while I didn't feel it(I'm definately feeling it now, tho.) I stumbled back a couple steps and then fell back right on my butt. Some guys in the kitchen jumped in and broke it up before anything else happened and all three of us were sent home and can't attend the festival tonight.
I'm hoping it's all over but Lora has such a temper. Right now she's on an adrenaline high and is doing massive house cleaning. My nose stopped bleeding but it hurts like hell. I don't think it's broken but I have a dark spot under my left eye. I think it's going to turn black. :( I'm going to go help Lora clean and try to calm her down now. (Good face usually does that. :P ) I just wanted to write this down while its fresh in my memory.
Laterz!