The Inner Light Of Sara Poe

It's been quite a euphoric couple weeks for we three. I have had little time for anything other than relearning the splendor of our relationship. Everything is still in the same place as it was before but everything is new. I can't get enough of the scent of Emily.

I thought it would be stressful for us at first but as soon as we got home from Normal, Illinois that Friday night Emily ran into Brier Rose Court and started hugging everything she saw telling it how much she missed being home.

That night we three slept snuggled together in the BIG BED. Not talking much, rather just enjoying the beauty of each other.

Saturday evening, after each of us nervously and awkwardly beat around the bush about it, we made love 'til late into the night. We talked a lot after that. Mostly about what we had been doing and feeling over the last few months away from the others. (If you've been reading my blog than you know that it wasn't only Emily who was away, but Lora and I weren't really together either.)

We talked about Bethany. Lora, who has mostly kept quiet about the subject before, now had a lot of questions about her. As did Emily. I tried to explain things as best I could but it's still confusing to me, too, so I don't think I left either of them with a 100% good impression.

On Sunday we let Emily free from captivity for half the day to wander around the community and announce her return. Everyone was happy. They all love her so much. Of all the fuck-up's I've made in my life, picking good people to spend it with wasn't one of them.

We've become home-bodies since Emily came back. After work we three all come back to Brier Rose Court and spend the evenings and the nights together. Keeping mostly to ourselves. (Plus, it's been really hot lately so going outside isn't high on the agenda.)

As for Bethany...

I've only seen her twice; once to tell her that I was going to be spending a lot of time with Emily and Lora so I wouldn't see her much, and the second time was when she came to the store last Thursday evening. I took her up to Emily's office, which she hadn't seen before, so she could welcome Emily back.

Emily didn't take that very well at first. She wasn't mean to Bethany or anything, but she was pretty quiet while she was there. Later Emily said that watching the two of us together made her jealous. I haven't spoken to Bethany since.

Tomorrow night, I will follow Private Investigator Emily Graves around and document her evening to be chronicled in our newsletter, The Community Chronicles," as a welcome home edition for Emily. I'll post a version of it here.

Next; Emily's World

~Sara Poe<3

Lora's Heart, Emily's Heart, Sara's Heart

We arrived in Normal late Friday. It was a long trip and we were tired. The best thing would have been to check into a hotel, call Emily to let her know we were there and arrange to meet on Saturday. That thought never crossed our minds.

We went straight to her parent's house.

There wasn't a place to park in front of the house but as we drove by both our hearts skipped a beat. Emily was in the front yard and saw us as we parked a few doors down. Her mother was there, too, and gave us a slight frown when we got out of the car.

Emily had on gardening gloves and held a small shovel in her hand. She waved at us right away, but we could see that the smile on her face was a false one. Still, she looked so beautiful standing there.

"You guys want some lemonade?" was the first thing she said to us and I then noticed a little homemade lemonade stand sitting in the front of her yard. It was SO Emily to do such a thing that I almost cried right there.

She showed us the flowers she had planted a few weeks back that were starting to bloom while we drank her lemonade. Lora actually dropped two quarters into the empty cup with the huge $.25 sign sitting on the stand. When her mother went into the house I asked Emily if she would go for a walk with us and she agreed.

We walked for a block without saying a word when Emily asked how things were in the community. Another block past and we stopped at the park Emily use to play in as a kid, and probably still did then, named after someone famous from Normal, Illinois who's name I can't remember. It was empty and the sun was going to be setting soon. Emily stopped and leaned against a tree, her favorite she later told us, then hooked both thumbs in her jeans pockets and gave us a, "Whats up?" look.

Lora did most of the talking. Her speech was sincere and eloquent and every word she said came from deep within both our hearts. She spoke of the pain and anger and sorrow we had caused Emily and how we realized that she was truly an equal part of this relationship and how we never really, truly understood that till we lost her. She told her how empty our world had become without her in it.

Lora's words were beautiful.

Emily's next action was one I didn't see coming. I didn't even see her hand move up. I'm sure Lora did. I'm sure she could have stopped her, and I'm sure that she didn't want to.

SLAP!!!

Lora's lip started trembling and eyes teared up immediately. Then Emily looked at me, anger on her face, and started her march forward.

I knew what was coming. I also knew that there was no way I was going to try to stop it from happening. I clinched my fists and drew in a deep breath, but kept my eyes open and locked on Emily's. I knew she wanted it that way. She wanted to look me right in the eyes when it happened.

SLAP!!!

The physical pain was intense as fuck! It only lasted for a few moments but it hurt so bad lights appeared in my eyes and my ears began to ring.

The emotional pain hurt far worse, but it also made me feel better than I have in a long time. It was like a wave of relief swept over me. I had deserved that. I had needed it! I had earned it. It also made my eyes tear up so bad that Emily started to blur, then disappeared entirely. When I wiped them I saw that she had dropped to her knees and started crying herself.

"Why did you guys do that to me!" she cried.

I dropped right down with her and Lora rushed over and joined us. We gripped Emily and each other as tight as we could with her head between our heads where it belonged. The sound of our crying was loud and uncontrollable. We three sat there with the setting sun beaming over us for what seemed like forever bawling our eyes out in a park who's name I couldn't even remember.

When Emily's arms reached up and started gripping us tight, too, we knew peace for the first time in forever.

"Please come back home with us," I begged.

"Okay," she answered without hesitation.

We three almost RAN back to Emily's house.

"Wait in the car and I'll be right back," She said.

She ran in the house and came back minutes later with only her photo albums in her hands and nothing else. When she left us she only took what she came with. When she came back she came back with only her memories of that life. Just before she reached the car she turned around and grabbed the two quarters from the cup on the lemonaid stand and yelled to her mom who was now standing on the porch that she loved her and would call when she got to Quincy.

Emily jumped in the front seat next to Lora, now with a real smile on her face, and her first words were...

"Okay, now I know we don't do vengeance, but what are we going to do to get even with that bitch, Elizabeth Raye?"

We'd spent less than an hour in Normal.


~Sara Poe

The Things reflected In Lora's Eyes

...And all the Queen's horses and all the Queen's men, couldn't put Lorabelle together again.

I told Lora all about what happened with Bethany, and although she gave me a few "looks," she mostly understood and accepted that this person was going to be in my life from now on.

Lora and I have mostly stayed away from each other since Emily left us. being together somehow doesn't feel the way it use to. Eight years together and although we've had our short separations, we've never truly felt like we weren't together.

When Emily came into our lives things really didn't change emotionally between us much. As sad as it is for me to say now, at first, and perhaps for a long time after that, Emily wasn't truly considered a full and equal part of our relationship. Lora had often called her, "Sara's plaything," as if she were there mostly to keep me from getting bored or something.

Emily did spend most of her time with me, and I think looking back, she and I spent more time together that Lora and I did. Emily was there to "keep me out of trouble," and that's what she did.

Of course, she and Lora had their moments. Mora than once they made love when I wasn't there and often I've walked in on them having a close encounter of the emotional kind. (A kiss, talking quietly with smiles on their faces, etc.) We've all felt jealousy of the others, but by keeping it under control and telling ourselves that we had our moments with both the others, too, it made things work well between we three.

But in reality Lora and I both felt that the relationship was ours alone and Emily was added later as something we both became obsessed with having. I guess thinking that way about her made us believe it was okay to do what we did to Bethany. Everything changed for us when she left.

We weren't the same couple we had been for the last eight years. Emily HAD, without us realizing, became a full third of this relationship and slowly both Lora and I were seeing that this just wasn't working right without her in our lives. There were never thoughts of us splitting up because we long ago realized that the two of us were meant to be and nothing would change that. It's just that now we knew that it had advanced beyond that. We needed her, too.

I remember coming home early t'other night to the sound of Bob Seger's "Against The Wind" blaring down the stairs. It was one of Emily's favorite songs, (She is a Bob Seger fanATIC.) and I started running up the stairs, my heart pounding out of my chest, and knowing, just KNOWING, that I would see her when I reached the top.

Instead I found Lora. She was standing in front of the stereo system looking at the huge picture of me, her and Emily that sat above it. She turned around and right away said...

"Remember how many times we came home and heard this."

"Yeah," I said, "But she played it a lot louder."

"I would yell up the stairs, `TURN THAT DAMN THING DOWN!'," Lora said, "...and she would ignore me and come running down the stairs wanting to slow dance with us."

Then added out of nowhere...

"Do you wanna make love?"

"What?," I said, kinda in shock. After a few seconds of her not saying anything I stepped close to her, put my hand on her stomach and said, "Okay."

She looked back at the picture and replied, "Yeah, me neither."

I instinctively wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her close to me. Just wanting to hold her. She wrapped her's around me and all of a sudden she started crying. I tried to pull back to ask her what was wrong but she just gripped me tighter when I did and wouldn't let me go. I realized then that I had not felt this in months. I had not felt Lora's arms around me since before Emily left and I started crying, too. (I love crying.)

When we calmed down we started talking, and we talked most of the night. Finally Lora summed up our conclusion...

"We'll leave Friday afternoon and take the weekend off of work. We'll stay in Normal until she agrees to come home with us and if she doesn't we'll just stay there. We'll make a life there near her and we won't come back here without her!"

For the first time since she left us we slept together in the center of the bed. In Emily's spot. I think we both pretended that the other was her, just so we could sleep, and dream, and prepare.


~Sara Poe

Finding Bethany

We had our picnic in Annalara's garden. The sound of the rain hitting the canopy above our heads. When it was time to go I grabbed her hand and we ran in the rain together as far as the community center. As she pulled away to go inside I let her get at arm's length then held her hand so she would turn and face me. I smiled then let her go and ran around the corner to the community store.

I was beginning to like this person. It isn't about "falling for her," or wanting to get in her pants. That is a thing left in the past and long forgotten. No, it's not about that. It's about her and knowing her and finding the person inside so I can touch her and keep her close to me. Maybe it's about not wanting to let go of someone else so easily again.

But I think it's more about finding a friend.

I saw her the next day at the community center but no words were said. I noticed her noticing me and we both smiled but kept it at that. I think we were both thinking that, after what happened, it's not a good thing for either of us to be seen together. Things are finally starting to go back to normal around here.

She was absent from my life Tuesday and Wednesday. Then Thursday she came up to me at the community center and asked if I wanted to go walking with her again the next evening. She did this blatantly in front of a crowded room and I accepted.

We walked and talked for hours on Friday. When I went home I talked to Lora. We still aren't spending any time together, but neither seem to be concerned about it. I think we both need more time away from the other. Being together only reminds us of Emily and we're both trying to deal with it the best we can. Neither of us wants to push. Things WILL be alright between us again! She knows this and I know this.

I keep her fully informed of my relationship with Bethany and she trusts me. (Or she just doesn't care. But I'm sure it's the former.)

Sunday night we were both wearing jeans, sneakers and t-shirts. She had on a white T and matching jean jacket. I was wearing my black T with "I Am Boss!" across the front in red letters and a cape. (Yes, I've been wearing a long, dark blue cape recently. What about it!)

We only walked as far as Hopskin's Hill then she wanted to sit and watch the sunset over the Mississippi River.

After talking for awhile she right outta the blue said the Super-Amazing sentence that most people believe makes the world go `round...

"I'm not gay."

"You've said that," I replied.

"I just don't want you to get the wrong idea, Sara. I like you a lot. More than you know, but not THAT WAY."

I reminded her of my promise. "I don't even want you in THAT WAY," I assured her.

After a few minutes of silence, us both looking out over the river judging how much further till the Sun disappeared...

"Danny's cute," she said.

I replied, "Danny is adorable!," I told her. "And Emily did some research on him, too," I finished, then felt very sad at realizing I had mentioned her name.

"What kind of research?" She asked.

I remembered Emily's "The Case Of The Donkey Dick" story she had told me and just said to Bethany that I had forgotten what it was about.

"So, you've never dated a guy?" She changed the subject.

"Once," I said. "When I was fifteen I had an actual honest-ta-goodness BOYFRIEND. Aaaaaaannnd... He fucked me on the hood of his car then told all of his friends about it. No more virginity. No more boys," I said with a HUGE smile.

She got very quiet. "My father took mine," she said, but not looking at me.

I didn't know what to say to her. She didn't look at me, but said something else...

"I was twelve."

I couldn't take my eyes away from her but my mind couldn't think of any words to respond to her. I mean, what do you say to that??? She gave me a quick look then her eyes went back down the bluffs. I reached over and took her hand, clasped our fingers together, let her know that I was here and I was listening and that I wouldn't leave her.

"When..." she started then paused and looked at me again. "When I was fourteen I got so sick of it that I tried to hang myself in my parents living room. I tied a rope from the ceiling fan and tried jumping off the back of the couch, but the fan broke and fell on me."

"My mother was so angry," she said in a very sad voice.

I waited for her to talk but it seemed like she had said enough. Baby steps, I guess. I guess it was my turn.

"My dad died right down there," I said and pointed to the Mississippi River. "Right off Quincippi Island. It was a boating accident. I was waiting on the shore for him..." I started to choke up, "And..."

I stopped there. Knowing I had said enough. But Bethany was a little more curious than I...

"You saw it?" She asked.

I just shook my head then looked at her. We both had tears in our eyes now. I let her be the one to initiate the hugging, and she did. She whispered in my ear, "I'm sorry that I'm not gay for you."

Which made me laugh so fucking hard!

"It's okay, Lady Bethany," I assured her, "I'm not gay for you, either."

She smiled again then, "When... Back when I was trying to mentally escape from my father I use to make up all these fantasy stories in my mind. Different places I could go to when it happened. I always used the name Bethany in my fantasies. So when you called me that it kind of shocked me."

"It doesn't bother you for me to call you that does it?" I asked.

"No, I love it. In my favorite one I use to pretend that I was Captain Bethany Raye, thrown into the Delta Quadrant far, far away by a mysterious alien caretaker. Voyager was one of my favorite shows, and I always thought Captain Janeway was just so strong."

"I love Janeway," I agreed.

We noticed that the sun was setting and sat there holding hands watching it. I finally decided then that there was one last thing I had to tell her if we were truly going to make this friendship happen.

"I've been in your room," I said fast before I could change my mind about it.

"When?" She asked, but not in anger.

"David said he needed to show me something and took me up there," I told her then waited for the response.

"What did you think?" She said.

I smiled a little half smile and answered, "You're beautiful."

She stared at me for a few moments then took a deep breath and said, "I love you."

My eyes widened, "What?"

"No, I don't mean..." and, "Not IN LOVE... and, "I'm not gay..." She stammered out.

"I love you, too," I said, then decided it was my turn to initiate the hugs.

When we pulled away she said, "So, about Danny," then smiled.

And I thought of Emily again.

"You do that a lot," She said.

"What?," I asked.

"You look away. Then you close your eyes and look like you're trying to think of anything else except what's about to make you cry," she paused when I looked away and closed my eyes again. "It's Emily, isn't it?" And that one sentence did it. I started sobbing like a ten-year old and couldn't stop.

She hugged me and let me cry in her arms for a long time.

"You know what the worst thing about coming here after I broke up with Mark was?," she was whispering now that I had stopped making noises, "It was that he didn't come after me."

With that I realized I truly had someone new in my life that was going to become very close to me. It wasn't about sex, it was just that these were just two people who were both riding a wave of turbulence that intersected on their journeys.

I will love her forever.


~Sara Poe

Me On A White Horse

I saw her from a distance that Sunday. She wore a blue pair of skorts (Google it.) and a red t-shirt. "Supergirl," I thought to myself. And, of course, a very nice pair of strappy sandles.

She didn't smile when she saw me, but she didn't roll her eyes again either.

"Where's the picnic basket," she asked when I got closer.

It's waiting for us at the stables. I put it in the cooler there last night so we didn't have to carry it around too much," I replied.

"I told you I don't like horses," she reminded me.

"Come on," I motioned, and we started walking through her yard and out the back. I wanted to keep us away from public eye for the time being and decided to show her my favorite out-of-the-way places. We walked through the back of Brier Rose Court, then through the spot where the pumpkin patch has just begun to grow. I showed her Hopskin's Hill right at the edge of the bluffs. We walked along the edge and back through the woods and to the pond behind The Poe House. I told her about the time Lora drove my moped into the pond and it sat there for a week. She listened more than she spoke the entire time.

I showed her the McCullough House. It was boarded up before winter and now sits silent, empty and still. We then went to the stables to get the picnic basket and as soon as we entered and he heard my voice, Wyldwynd started calling me. (He's brown, by the way. The title is a met-a-phore.) I don't get to visit much since it's been winter but when I do stop by he and I both get nostalgic and excited.

Beth wasn't too keen on him at first but when he ate sugar cubes out of her hand she softened up a bit. Although she was kinda surprised when I opened his fence and took him out into the yard, then mounted him. (Yeah, I said "mounted." Ha, ha.)

"Come, Lady Bethany, join me on my swift and daring steed," I said trying to be chivalrous.

She paused and got the most interesting look on her face. "Bethany?"

"I thought it suited you. Is it okay?" I asked.

She smiled at me, finally, and said, "Yes, it's wonderful. Please, call me that from now on."

I held out my hand, "Lady Bethany, your steed awaits."

She was hesitant, but I knew it was the horse and not me she wasn't ready for.

"I'll keep you safe," I promised.

She reached for my hand and our fingers locked around each other's wrist then I pulled her up on the saddle behind me, just like in the movies. "Hold on real tight," I said and she wrapped her arms around my waist. "HA!," I yelled then snapped Wyldwynd's reins and he took off at a fast gallop.

I looked straight ahead and tried to picture what the two of us must look like from a profile. Bethany's long blonde hair blowing behind her as we rode, her arms wrapped around me and the smile on both our faces.

We rode around the yard once then I took us down the trail behind Elder Malcolm's home. I slowed us down to a trot and as we came up next to Elder Malcolm's backyard I could see him and his wife sitting under their willow tree.

I pulled Wyldwynd's rein so he would pull a little and let out a ney. They both looked at us from the yard and just stared for a minute. I made sure to stare back. "I might not TP your house anymore," I thought, "but I'm still the bad guy." I snapped his rein again and galloped off, trying to look as dramatic as I could.

I don't know why I did that. The next day everyone would be talking again...

Maybe that's why?

Then Bethany asked in my ear, "Was that a show?," and I could hear a twing of anger in her voice.

We crossed into Adam's Field before I slowed down and answered her.

"It wasn't about you. I swear, it was about me and Elder Malcolm. We have a kinda comical history," I said.

"Help me down," she demanded, so I stopped and helped her slide off the saddle. I followed and dropped Wyldwynd's reins planning to chase after Beth if she walked away, knowing Wyldwynd would follow me. Beth didn't try to walk away.

"Do you live to do that or something?," she asked, still a little angry, "To play with people's heads?"

"I don't play with their heads," I said.

"Yes, you do! You do things and say things just to get people to react a certain way. I've seen you do it. You did it to me and you just did it back there to Elder Malcolm!," she told me.

"It's my way," I said quietly. "I'm...a writer," I trailed off because that sounded WAY more stupid coming out of my mouth than it did in my head.

"You're a manipulater," she said.

"I'm not trying to manipulate you," I promised. "That! What you saw back there... That's been going on between us for almost twenty years," I explained, "And...and he loves me," I said choking up a little at the thought of it, "So it's okay." That same strange look as before crossed her face.

"You ever see Dark Knight?," I asked.

"No," she said. Which caused me to give her a look and say, "Hmmm. We'll have to change that. Anyway, I'm like the Joker. I just dooooo things," I said waving my hands in the air the way Joker did in the movie. "I'm like a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. I don't know why. I just have a good idea at the time and I act on it. I think I'm an agent of chaos."

She looked at me for a moment then, "Well, I'm an agent of order. Things have a purpose and those purposes should be fulfilled."

"Yeah, but that's..." I searched for a word that wouldn't sound too insulting, "...boring."

Right then we started to feel rain drops falling from the sky. Perfect timing.

"Come on, let's go get our picnic basket," I said then turning around and mounting (Ha, ha!) Wyldwynd again.

"It's starting to rain, dummy," she said, but I ignored her and held out my hand.

"Then we don't wanna get wet, Lady Bethany" came my dashing reply.

Although she was still a bit angry, she didn't hesitate to take my wrist and climb onto the saddle behind me then.

We followed our path back to the stables. The rain, though mostly still a drizzle at that time, had caused Elder Malcolm to go inside. I put Wyldwynd away then retrieved our picnic basket from the walk-in cooler. I led Bethany through the Poe yard and down a private path that led to the most beautiful place in the entire community.

It's a small fenced in yard that I use to visit a lot. Flowers fill the air with many intoxicating scents and the trees loom over the yard in a small canopy.

Annalara's garden. The most relaxing place in the world.

To be continued...


~Sara Poe