Having problems

I've been good for months now. Since January my mind has been clear and not playing tricks on me. But Lora brought home a bird Friday, a parakeet, and the damn thing keeps looking at me. Yesterday I could swear I heard it whispering. I tried to ignore the damn thing but it's very hard.

I don't want this shit to start up again. I hate so much not being able to control it. No matter what meds they put me on or how high the dosage, eventually they start to lose their effectiveness and my mind starts drifting. I don't know if I can take it again.

Last time I spent three horrid weeks in Newman Clinic. I swore it would be the last time. I swore I would do everything I could to make sure it did NOT happen again. But I guess some of us just aren't meant to live in reality.

I hate so much being this way and I hate it when I get lost. I'm scared to death of telling Lora or my step-dad. They start talking behind my back about me and that only makes it worse. I know they're against me. I know what they want. I'm not the little fool people think I am.

When it starts it usually comes on fast. The last time it hit me all in one morning. I felt so normal and happy, then by noon I had just given up and lay down for three weeks hardly moving. I can't go thru that again.

I can't keep living like this. It hurts so much the way they look at me. I know Lora loves me but how much longer will she be able to put up with this. How much longer will someone so beautiful and with such an incredible future allow herself to be held back by a person that can't keep a grip on reality.

I don't give a fuck either way. Maybe Newman is the place for me. Maybe I belong there for good. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore and I feel so lost. I feel so very, very lost.


Sexy Little Girl Princess said...

". Since January my mind has been clear and not playing tricks on me. But Lora brought home a bird Friday, a parakeet, and the damn thing keeps looking at me. Yesterday I could swear I heard it whispering. I tried to ignore the damn thing but it's very hard."

Sara, hon, parakeets are *suppose* to chatter. They're small parrots with the same ability to talk as macaws & african greys. Some parakeets have several hundred word vocabularies. Their little voice boxes being much smaller than other species of parrots makes their voices sound scratchy, much like a whisper. So, yes, it probably was whispering at you, saying, "Hey Fox, come here! Gimme some sugar!" :-)

But if having the bird around is upsetting to you, get rid of it by giving it a new home. See if that helps. Good luck, sweetie!

Anonymous said...

Is it possible to keep the bird in a room that you don't frequent in your house?

And I think I would tell Lora, too.

DM Jim

Agric said...

The poor parakeet is probably very traumatised being on its own for perhaps the first time in its life, presumably it was with others in the shop.

Please talk to it nicely and often, it will say nice things back to you if you do - I talk to birds all the time and quite a few of them talk back to me. We don't know exactly what the other is saying but with some practice I think I do get the drift :)

My garden blackbird, Oscar, REALLY likes sultanas, he has a tree opposite the bird table that he goes to when he wants sultanas and he sings loudly for me to bring him some then, while I'm putting food and water out, he burbles away happily. If he sees me inside the house and I haven't fed him he will fly at the window and scold me.

Anonymous said...

i got weird paranoia over my two pet rats for a few months but things are ok now, you'll settle and get to like the bird in time.
you're lucky to have a Lora to stand by you, if she ever needs a few weeks off you can come live with me (her as well) and we can spend our nights talking in the dark, taking highs from teapots *wink* and chasing cats under the moon (i <3 kittycats)
take care Sara, i think of you often xx

Tibbittz said...

Hi Sara --
Jeez, I thought all that insanity stuff in at the top of the blog was sort of a joke... Have you been diagnosed? Sometimes medications cause their own problems. There might be something herbal you could take instead. My sister is manic-depressive, and when she was on St. John's Wort, she was fine... too bad she quit. Let me know if I can try and help -- my mom and other sister know a lot about herbs...

Moonspider said...

sorry to hear that sweetie


but i think you shoukd tell lora what's been happening, just so that you would'nt be alone in this thing with the bird. She loves you and would understand, you know that....heck even me, a guy who has never met her, can see that she will understand and loves you like mad.

hey, and I don't want you gone from here or the bendis board...we all love you and would be completely devastated if you ever left us.
you are loved fully and allover sweetie.

much love and hugs to yah babe
yer peachy keen and kewl as hell


Capn Chaos said...

I know how that goes. One of my best friends had a parakeet and the damn thing creeped me the hell out. But then I grew up on a farm and I have a problem with most "indoor" pets. Anyway... hang in there.

Thanks for the invite... Love you much.


Matthew said...

Are you sure a little makin' out won't help you? If you want, there's a throbbing hard Matt waiting if you need it.

Oh, and my aunt had a parakeet that said "Bronco" over and over again. Wow, that got old.