I've been good for months now. Since January my mind has been clear and not playing tricks on me. But Lora brought home a bird Friday, a parakeet, and the damn thing keeps looking at me. Yesterday I could swear I heard it whispering. I tried to ignore the damn thing but it's very hard.
I don't want this shit to start up again. I hate so much not being able to control it. No matter what meds they put me on or how high the dosage, eventually they start to lose their effectiveness and my mind starts drifting. I don't know if I can take it again.
Last time I spent three horrid weeks in Newman Clinic. I swore it would be the last time. I swore I would do everything I could to make sure it did NOT happen again. But I guess some of us just aren't meant to live in reality.
I hate so much being this way and I hate it when I get lost. I'm scared to death of telling Lora or my step-dad. They start talking behind my back about me and that only makes it worse. I know they're against me. I know what they want. I'm not the little fool people think I am.
When it starts it usually comes on fast. The last time it hit me all in one morning. I felt so normal and happy, then by noon I had just given up and lay down for three weeks hardly moving. I can't go thru that again.
I can't keep living like this. It hurts so much the way they look at me. I know Lora loves me but how much longer will she be able to put up with this. How much longer will someone so beautiful and with such an incredible future allow herself to be held back by a person that can't keep a grip on reality.
I don't give a fuck either way. Maybe Newman is the place for me. Maybe I belong there for good. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore and I feel so lost. I feel so very, very lost.