bad day today:(

Hard times and hard ways to go. I feel absent. The little squiggly things in my head won't sit still and my brain feels like it's going to explode with emotion if I don't find some kind of release. I keep thumping keep thumping keep thumping my head against the wall but to no avail. They won't stop being little squiggly things. They won't stop talking to me.

I've turned off all the lights, taken all the curtains down and opened all the windows. It feels cold and adandoned. Like I'm sitting in a big deserted room and the only reality is the screen in front of me. I feel that way all the time. Cold and abandonded and my only reality is in a world so close yet so impossible to reach with anything but my eyes and my fingertips. The darkness is upon me again and I think soon I shall go insane.

I hear things shuffling in the dark room around me. They come into view for only a moment. I catch just the slightest glimps of them out the corner of my eye and then they're gone. I'm so tired of being here.

They don't understand can't understand WON'T UNDERSTAND what they're doing to me and even if they do they just don't care. I yell shout SCREAM at the top of my lungs but no sound comes out of my mouth. I ask them to stop ask them to be quiet ask them to just go away but it only makes them tease me more and no matter how much I try to shut them out they're just too strong and I know they will win in the end. They always win in the end.

I've alienated all except my one true love. If the madness doesn't stop I'll eventually drive her away, too. Old people and drunks are my only friends. People who are so use to dealing with insanity and ones too out of it to care. I feel like the cold is the only thing stopping my mind from rotting away. Freezing it so the darkness can't chip it's way thru the ice to get at me. I'm frozen in a world of darkness surrounded my things that go bump in the night. And there's no escape going outward. The only way to get away from them is to draw myself further and further inward, but it's so dark and cold in there. So dark and cold inside my mind.

I don't know how she puts up with me. The truest love of my life is so strong but only because she has to be. For both of us. Because I can't be. I can taste her now. Butterscotch. She lingers on my lips for hours after we kiss. Her scent stays with me forever. Lilac or honeysuckle. Something so sweet and beautiful that it really has no description. No description that can be put into words at least. My love taste like butterscotch and smells of lilac. Thick on my lips and sweet to my sences. And strong enough to hold back the darkness. Without her I would surely be lost.

The little squiggly things are screaming now. Trying to push their way thru the ice and burrow into my mind. They like it there. They like the darkness.