Do you know the sound a hard drive makes crashing down a flight of stairs? I do :) Lora and me got into a HUGE fight (three years together and this was our first yelling fight, tho she did most of the yelling. My insanity is more of the "stare in silence so you wonder what horrors I'm thinking" type.) It was all over me spending too much time online. She says I need a life outside of the net and I disagree. I don't like outside and shouldn't have to deal with it if I don't want to.
Anyways, I finally got sick of it so I went upstairs, grabbed my comp tower, and in a HUGE burst of adrenaline, dragged it and everything hooked to it and tossed it down the stairs where it landed right by the front door. (It had to be adrenaline cause I'm like, TOTALLY weak and should never have been able to drag all that crap the way I did.)
This of course, did not have the effect I intended. Thinking of it now I'm not really sure what I intended. Anger is a bad thing and we should really think before we act on it. :(
So here it is, day four without a comp, and I've decided to keep a journal of events in my life while offline. Days one thru three are from memory.
I decided that being w/o a comp isn't so bad. I wrote some poems. Borrowed Lora's gel pen to do so and she gave me a look. We're not really speaking but no fighting either.
I went riding. Something I don't do often anymore. My baby WyldWynd missed me and nayed at me when I went to the stables. We went all over the community, got home about one pm and ate lunch with dead grandma. She's mad at me, too, but she's always mad at me so who cares.
Not much else happened.
Went to town with my step-dad's best friend Jacob. Mall to do some shoping. Went to Spencers and bought this big glow in the dark monster head that I mounted on the bedroom wall like a deer head, the way hunters do. Lora didn't notice it till we got in bed that night and she turned off the light. "Oh God," was the only thing she said then turned her back to me. Hard getting to sleep.
I'm starting this journal so I'll have something to do. I'll probably post it at the Bendis Board so everyone can see what a loser I am. :( My neighbor Annalara came by this morning and had breakfast with me as usual. I went to the community center with her. I can't get online there because of something I did last year that I won't talk about. I thought it was funny but nobody else did.
Annalara will be 50 yo next week. we're both Libras and have a lot in commom. She's lived here all her life, never married, rarely goes into town and seems to like being alone. She has lots of cats, too. I have more love and respect for this woman than almost anyone I know.
Lora and me had a good laugh today together so I think we're on talking terms again. Nothing much else happened except a 10 hour Buffy marathon. I LOVE having a dvd player. :)
Another boring day. Watched Buffy most of the day except for a break around five pm when Lora got home. She had Tammy and Lindsey with her. Lindsey is getting married to Kyle. They make a great couple. Decided to bury all the sharpest knives in the backyard. Annalara came out(her backyard is connected to mine.) as I was stomping the loose dirt down and asked me what I was planting. I told her and she just laughed thinking I was joking.
More Buffy around eight pm till midnight then bed. My monster head is starting to give me weird looks.
Talked to Lora about getting a new comp this morning. I don't think it's fair that she gets to have the credit cards and I don't but the last one I had I kinda went overboard at the comicbook store and my step-dad took it from me. Now even tho I'm almost nineteen I'm not allowed to have one. :( Jacob came over after lunch and was already drinking beer. He's a cool guy but I get nervous around him when he's drunk. I know he would never try anything on me because my step-dad would kill him but he makes a lot of sexual remarks that I don't like.
I've also decided to protest not getting a new comp by NOT showering. I think that in two weeks I'll stink so bad Lora will have to break down and get me one. I was gonna cut her off from sex but I like sex too much so...
My hand is cramping from writing so much.
Talked to Lora about getting a comp again this morning. She acts like she controls my life sometimes. I love her so much but I'm not a child that she can do that way. I have some mental problems and sometimes do things that make me look crazy but I'm really not. I spent time on Blessing Hospital's sixth floor (ward for troubled teens) when I was 16 but I'm doing better now and rarely forget to take my meds.
I got SO bored that I carried all my comp stuff, which has been in the hall closet since its demise, back upstairs and hooked it back up hoping it would work. Instead of "BEEP" followed by boot up sounds it kind of sizzled and popped once. I got scared and went to the celler to kill the power because I was afraid to unplug it but when I got to the fuse box I didn't know what to do. There were no fuses at all in there, just a bunch of switches that said on and off. I didn't know which to turn off(plus I left my oven mits upstairs) so I ran over to Annalara's house and she went to the celler and turned them off till we unhooked the comp. I felt really dumb.
She tried to talk to me about spending more time with Lora and less online but I started daydreaming about the Bendis Board and didn't really hear what she said. I think maybe I'll try buttering Lora up tomorrow :)
My monster head gave me another weird look today. I think it's plotting something.
Today started off REALLY well! I went to the resale shop with Lora and helped her till noon then we left cause it was slow and went walking around town. Went to Dollar General (which Lora thinks is just SO great cause she grew up on welfare and shopped there all the time with her drunk mom. Most of the stuff there is just cheap crap.) She bought these really tacky nick-nacks of frogs and said she was gonna put them in the living room. I made sure to carry the bag they were in and when we got to the car I left the ugly things at the curb. She asked about them when we got home but all I said was that I thought she had them. Now I feel guilty about it :( She's in the shower(she asked me if i was gonna shower tonight. hehe!) and when she gets out I'm going to confess what I did.
I think there are wires growing in my feet.
Another good day...kindasorta. Lora is a little mad at me about the ugly frogs but I gave her good face this morning and it kinda made up for it. She started to go down on me then said, "why don't you go take a shower." I laughed but didn't say anything. She's smart and will figure it out soon...I HOPE! Before breakfast she asked me if I knew what happened to all the knives.
Tonight wasn't so good. Lora came home with Tammy and wanted to watch RAW with me. She NEVER watches wrestling so I'm kinda thinking this is her way of saying that she'll start getting into my stuff if I spend more time doing her stuff, which I have. But i did something REALLY dumb while we were watching it.
I was sitting in my chair, as I do every Monday and Thursday, and was writing down the results in my notebook as I always do, when this commercial came on. It was about these three day cruises on a boat. The commercial was talking about how you could get away from it all for a few days. So I said OUTLOUD, "I wish that bitch Tammy would take Lora on one of those and get her out of my hair for a few days." And as soon as I said it I realised that they were sitting there with me. Lora never watches wrestling with me and my brain doesn't work right all the time so I completely forgot they were there. :(
So I looked at them and they were both staring at me like I was just fucking crazy. i couldn't help but to start laughing my ass off. Tammy got mad and left. Lora walked her to the door and then walked by me and said, "You're something else." Then she went upstairs and was asleep when I went up to apologize.
Big Bossman died. I'll have to remember to check on how he died when/if I ever get back online. :(
I'm not putting what I wrote in my journal here because 1) I don't remember writing it, and 2) people would think I'm REALLY crazy if they read it so...
Me, Lora and my sisters went to Annalara's house today to have a birthday lunch with her. She had told us not to make a big deal about it but she's like family so we couldn't help ourselves.
I apologized to Tammy yesterday for what I said t'other night. She was nice about it but thinks I'm insane. So does most everyone else around here but who cares. Lora brought home a 24 pack of toilet paper and left it in the living room. After she went to bed I saw it sitting there and went out and TPed Jacob's house :) He's been over twice this week drunk so I'm thinking he deserved it. He'll know it was me because two years ago I went crazy after Samhain and went out TPing houses in the community every night for a week till I got caught. Nobody thought it was funny and they told my mom. Elder Malcolm knew it was me all along but didn't say anything till he caught me doing his house. He came out while I was doing it and yelled, "SARA!!" I ran but he'd already seen me.
I'm beginning to stink :p Lora and muh big sissy Analie both commented about it. :) My monster head even told me that I need a bath tonight.
It's cold out tonight. I'm sitting on my front porch as I write this and there are bats and nighthawks flying around catching insects. My bestest friend since I was eight use to live across the street from me till she went away to college last month. Her mom and dad are rarely home and the place is mostly dark now. I miss her so much. :(
The community center is busy tonight. Lots of people there having fun. Both my sisters are there and asked me earlier if I wanted to hang out. But since I don't really like either of them I said no. Lora is at a movie with Tammy and should be home by midnight.
Annalara just came out the front of the center and yelled for me to come over and have some fun. Maybe if it wasn't so crowded I would but being around lots of people makes me nervous so I told her I was busy. She shrugged at me and went back inside. I lead such a boring life.
Monster head told me earlier that he needed a name. I asked him what name he wanted and he just stared at me. Lora came in while we were talking and said she thought it was time to take it down because i was acting crazy about it.
I REALLY need a bath. :( Monster head got put in the closet today cause I'm tired of listening to his shit. I get enough of it from everyone else so I really don't need it from him.
I called Dell and Gateway to see what it would take to get a comp delivered to my house. $89.00 on delivery but the comps are cheap crap with only 56k memory. I think my watch has more memory than that!
Reread day ten and couldn't believe what i wrote. I asked Lora about it and she said it was one of my "crazy days." They come more often lately. It's no wonder I never get any company. Other than Annalara and drunk Jacob nobody comes to see me when Lora isn't home. She has lots of friends and is loved by everyone and I'm the weirdo she lives with. Dead grandma told me to poison them all but that would be too extreme I think. Especially after the dog incident when I was fifteen. :The way things have been going the last few years I think my sanity will be completely gone by the time I'm 25. Annalara says that I'm just more "in tuned" with the universe, and Jacob, tact not being his specialty, just says I'm nuts. He came over the day after I TPed his house and got onto me about it. Telling me I needed to stop acting so crazy or "they" would put me away someday. I told him I would probably end up there someday anyways so why not have fun while I was free. :)
Dead grandma didn't visit at all today, which is unusual. The knives I buried are mysteriously back in the top drawer. Lora probably mentioned to Annalara that they were missing and Annalara told her I said I'd buried them so she dug them up. At least I HOPE thats how they got back there.
Had to stop that last entry cause muh baby Lora brought my new comp home (YAY!!!) so I've spent the last ten hours getting my security back (firewall, spyware killers, ect) putting my display settings the way I like them, (windows gray is soooooooo ugly!) and putting all my files and stuff from the disks i had them saved on(two comp crashes taught me to BACK UP EVERYTHING!). Now everything feels right with the world. :)