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5/18/09

Just Watching...

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The events of the last seven months have left us very empty. Lora and I don't speak of it much. We don't speak of Emily much either though she is always on our minds. We've both more or less kept the other at a distance. Fearing, I think, that we'll get enveloped in each other too much and forget about her, or worse, that the pain will go away. Neither of us want the pain to go away because that would mean that we're getting over her.

We will never get over her.

I've kept quiet in the community, too. Observing more than adding an opion or socializing. Lora is strictly business when we're not at home. She's almost Spock-like in hiding her emotions. Not wanting anyone to see what's going on inside her. Not even me.

My sister, Laura, is still in shock over the whole thing. She doesn't socialize with us much and spends most of her time at Jesca's house. I spend a lot of evenings sitting in Emily's P.I. office thinking about her.
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We've tried to call many times over the last two months but her mother or father always answers and tells us that she doesn't want to talk. When she left all she took was the things she had when she moved in with us. Most of her clothes, books, CDs and other things sit right where she left them. Lora and I will never put them away.

Elder Malcolm spoke to Lora about things at the community center but he nor anyone else has brought up the subject of Beth and what happened between us.

I actually saw Beth yesterday sitting on the back porch of the Raye House. I think she was watching me as I watched her. She scares me just a little. I thought I knew her but I now know that the only part of her I knew was the part I created in my mind. The girl who would be seduced. I don't know her at all.

My step-dad came to the house a few nights ago and visited. He rarely visits anyone and mostly spends his life raising my little brother by himself. He came and stayed for a few hours talking about your average everyday things while out of nowhere adding things at the end of his words like, "Yeah, the world gets hard sometimes but we endure right?" He would have made a great politician. He talked but never interfered. That's why he's the man I love most in life.

He just wanted to let us know that we were alright.

We are, but not happily. I swear, it would be so much easier to deal with the community if Emily were here with us. She was always so happy and never let anything get her down and I've just started crying again thinking about her.

I miss her so much and it's been so long.

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~Sara Poe

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