drunk and depressed

Sorry no updates inna while. I've been fighting depression and sneak drinking every night after Lora goes to bed.

I'm afraid I'm becoming and alcaholic. (And can't even spell it.)

It's not as bad as it was in January, when I lay down in bed one morning and basically stayed there for three weeks, but it's very hard to deal right now. I've managed to hide it from Lora (Other than asking me what is wrong everyday for the last week making me think she suspects.) because she's been so busy with Ashley but I really need to get over it before she finds out and gets worried.

Although we made an agreement that there will be NO MORE visits to Newman Clinic unless ABSOLUTELY a must, I still get afraid that she and my step-dad will want me to go there to see what's wrong with me and how they can help. They only want me to be happy and I'm guessing that every time the doctor increases my meds it gets better...at least better for THEM.

I just hate the thought that my meds will keep getting upped for the rest of my life till I'm so medicated I won't know what reality is. Funny; without the meds I REALLY don't know what reality is. So it's a lose/lose situation. :(

Most people with exteme mania like mine don't make it past thirty so I'm just hoping that I can pretend to be sane for another ten years for Lora's sake. After that...

Well, I guess there won't be any "after that" so it's all...good. :(



Agric said...

Well, life will be a lot more 'interesting' - as the chinese curse goes - before you make it to 30, many of us 6 billion won't make it to then.

I'm not sure you are correct in saying "Most people with extreme mania ... don't make it past 30...". The drinking won't help though, particularly in combination with the meds, alcohol may well worsen the way you are generally feeling. You are almost certainly correct that Lora has guessed.

I'd like to have a long chat with you about your meds etc (by email or somewhare less public), it doesn't sound like they're optimal if they have had to increase your dosage several times.

I'm also troubled by this: "Funny; without the meds I REALLY don't know what reality is." ...anyone who REALLY thinks that they know what reality is must be delusional ;) - I blame the meds.


Tibbittz said...

Oh, Sara...

I can't pretend to know what it's like to have to live like you do, taking pills to get through each day... but I've been through some dark times, days when I thought maybe there shouldn't be any more days for me...

Always try to remember you have a lot to live for, and people who love and care about you. If a lot of the people with your condition don't make it past 30, be the one who does.

And remember the people around you know that you have to struggle sometimes... I'm sure they'd rather you talked to them about it than hide it from them...

You've been nothing but nice to me, and I wish you only the best. Take care of yourself.:)


Tia Marie said...


I love you more than anything. I may not understand anything you are going through but you are always in my heart, not a day goes by that I dont think of you, or check to see if you've posted. You are one of the most signigicant people in my life, I hope things get better for you. I love you.

Moonspider said...

I can somewhat see what you are going through...the things you must encounter in yer life day to day

just know that you are a great person, and are surrounded by people who actualy care and love you dearly

I carry pain with me everyday i step outsode...my mind like to wonder....alwasy bringing up the bad things...hardly any oggd
im fucked up, be it mind or heart----it weird to know that what you carry inside is what most hurts you

just know that I care and have always had the utmost love and respect for you dear


Mermaid Egg said...

Well, the first thing you should do is STOP THE SECRET DRINKING. Alcohol consumption, especially when drinking alone, is a *major* depressant, and this is something you just don't need as it will only compound your bi-polar. Once you get dry, see if you stabilize. Good luck, hon.

love & light,

kubiak said...

Secret drinking is not the way to go! Nothing good ever comes of it. Trust me, I know.

Miss seeing you on the Bendis Board, Sara!

administrator said...

Sorry you're having such a tough time, but, as I'm sure you're sick of reading, liquor probably isn't the answer. Unless we're talking about spending time with Lora, in which case 'liquor' all you want. *zing!* (God, I can't believe I just typed that.) But in all seriousness, my Grandpa was a bad alcoholic and it really screwed up things for my mom's family growing up. You owe it to yourself to nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

Just remember that if you need anything, you can always talk to me.

Love you,


DungeonMasterJim said...

Looks around.

Sees a comment is missing.

Raises eyebrow in contemplation.

Nods in approvement.

Throws away all of Sara's alcohol.

And leaves a boatload of positive energy to build upon.

Go Sara!

Moonspider said...