drunk and depressed
I'm afraid I'm becoming and alcaholic. (And can't even spell it.)
It's not as bad as it was in January, when I lay down in bed one morning and basically stayed there for three weeks, but it's very hard to deal right now. I've managed to hide it from Lora (Other than asking me what is wrong everyday for the last week making me think she suspects.) because she's been so busy with Ashley but I really need to get over it before she finds out and gets worried.
Although we made an agreement that there will be NO MORE visits to Newman Clinic unless ABSOLUTELY a must, I still get afraid that she and my step-dad will want me to go there to see what's wrong with me and how they can help. They only want me to be happy and I'm guessing that every time the doctor increases my meds it gets better...at least better for THEM.
I just hate the thought that my meds will keep getting upped for the rest of my life till I'm so medicated I won't know what reality is. Funny; without the meds I REALLY don't know what reality is. So it's a lose/lose situation. :(
Most people with exteme mania like mine don't make it past thirty so I'm just hoping that I can pretend to be sane for another ten years for Lora's sake. After that...
Well, I guess there won't be any "after that" so it's all...good. :(