Sometimes My Reality Isn't Like Yours

"It doesn't matter how fucked up you are or how crazy you become. I'll always love you. Hurting me won't ever change that!" ~Lorabelle Tempest Riley

Over the last week I've been filled with self pity, hurt, rage, frustration, and I know I've sent out some kinda angry emails to some of you. I won't make excuses for my actions but I will try to explain.

If you read my "Three lesbians walk into a bar..." post then you probably know where this is headed. I did something VERY stupid. Something that hurt the dearest person in my life. Something I will forever regret. I cheated. I called that girl Beth, met her, had sex with her, then sent her back to St Louis.

I don't have the ability to lie to Lora so I just stayed away from home for most of a day trying to avoid her. When I finally got the courage to go home I told her everything. Then, instead of trying my best to make it up to her and win back her trust, I hermited myself in my attic for five days. I hardly slept. When I did it was on the floor under my desk. I ate only crap that ensured a MASSIVE sugar rush each time.

I even stopped taking my meds. Those of you that know me also know that THAT is a HUGE no-no. I don't function well without them. Eventually I get very self destructive. I say things I shouldn't and wouldn't under "normal" circumstances. I do things that, as my therapist says, draw attention to myself.

I knew that all Lora wanted was time. I knew that she loved me more than her own life and if I had done things the right way events wouldn't have transpired the way they did. I won't go into too much detail but it ended when, on the fourth night in the attic, I decided that Lora and Emily would be better off without me. I grabbed some clothes (Actually, in my crazy unmedicated state I just emptied our panty drawer into a suitcase and took nothing else.), grabbed my box of oldest comics (I have FF no. 20 & 48, Avengers no. 17, Hoppy the Marvel Bunny no. 1, and almost a complete collection of Amazing Spider-man plus a few others.) and my comp and, in several trips, moved it all back to my old room next door at my step-dad's house.

Around 11am a knock came at the door. I opened it and there was Lora. The pain on her face was worse than when I told her I had cheated. She gave me the first ultimatium she EVER has.

I could either come home with her RIGHT THAT MINUTE, take my meds and go to sleep, or she wouldn't be there when I finally regained my sanity. I didn't hesitate. She gave me five minutes to apologize to someone that had been trying to help me thru the state I was in then we left. (Thank you, Agric. Read my email.)

I went home, took my meds, then crawled into bed. I lay there for about three seconds when I felt Lora crawl on the bed behind me. She lay close and put her arm around me and I was asleep in minutes.

When I woke (And I'm crying my fucking eyes out as I type this.) she was still there. Laying next to me on the bed, a full 19 hours later!!!

Things aren't great between us yet, and I know I have a lot to make up for. I have a lot to prove to her even tho she says I don't. But she was still there when I woke up. She was still there!

I don't know if any of you have or have ever had that kind of love but I swear to everything I hold dear that it takes over EVERYTHING! It is powerful and wild and bright and fierce and nothing can compete with that feeling. If I ever had doubts about it before they are all gone now.

Emily has been a darling thru it all and I love her to death, but she didn't understand my mental state and how I can be sometimes. Lora has dealt with it for five years (Five years come November 11th.) and still, STILL she is ALWAYS there for me. (Crying again.) She never abandons me, never looks away, never puts herself above US the way I did.

Okay, yeah, she drove my moped into the pond out back out of anger when I told her about Beth. (The moped is how I got to Taco Bell to meet Beth so...) and she won't let me have my cell phone back (Not out of mistrust, but because she hopes Beth will call.), and she is sleeping downstairs in the guest room till things are settled between us (Emily is sleeping in the room down the hall.) but she loves me more than anything else in the world. Repeat; more than ANYTHING ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!

I'll die before I allow myself to ever hurt her again. This I swear.

Okay, on to YOU guys. I'm sending out apology emails to those of you I remember insulting. I emptied my gmail box and most of my message board PMs so if I don't send you an apology then please contact me so I can. I have a slight memory problem when the sanity is restored. Things I did and said get a little blurred.

I never meant to hurt anyone, I swear. You all know me and know I don't do people that way when my head is on straight.

I guess that's all I can say about it. I'm headed across the street to help Lora at the community center for the rest of the day. She said she needs me. :)


DungeonMasterJim said...

This is good and welcome news, Sara.

I know I shouldn't laugh, but the thought of Lora driving the moped into the pond cracks me up every time I think of it.



Angelle said...

*is happy*

You're a really sincere person, Sara. Glad things are picking gradually.


Agric said...

I didn't expect you back so quick :-)) And, my, hasn't yuor typnig and seplling imporoved fgor a good sleep!

Bit disillusioned though, I would have expected Lora to hurl the moped into the pond, Sara too if she happened to be on it. All things considered you are a mite lucky not to be keeping your moped company atm.

I've never loved anyone as much as Lora loves you, there have been moments when I have thought I have but it has not stood the test of time. Nor has anyone loved me as much as that (perhaps my parents, but that is different). I think it is rare and most people never experience it. I hope your love for Lora grows to the same strength, she deserves that.

I want you to recant this: "I'll die before I allow myself to ever hurt her again. This I swear." It is a foolish vow since you are bound to hurt Lora again, unintentionally or not, and that is the last penalty she would wish on you. If you must swear something similar make it like "Lora will have absolute right over my life and major decisions for a year".

Sometimes I think that no two persons' realities are really the same. But there are similarities. I can't be in yours, you can't be in mine (That statement may be about 1% inaccurate in our case). I'm one of those annoying buggers who questions reality and peoples' perception of it, and when tolerated do my best to explore others' perception and feelings. I may noe a bit more about the 'reality' you perceive and feel than you might reasonably presume. Or maybe not, lol.

I noe you too well to have taken any hurt or offence (that is not meant critically, keep on being you as you are). Please give Lora a great big hug from me,

Hugs, Love and blessedbe

Jon_dye said...

I missed all of the drama. Um, Im glad you're back to where you were when last I read and you better understand how special Lora is. Because the amount of hurt and hell you've put her through is more than a lot of people can take. You hold her and lover her and make sure she knows how much you mean to her.

Okay I have to go sleep but I'll read the rest later. Night dear.

Sara's Stuff! said...

Thankx for not being mad at me, guys. From how few replys I'm getting lately it looks like some of my apologies didn't mean much. :(

Still sorry.