I guess I shouldn't have been snooping. I guess when I found it I should have just let it lay and walked away. But I didn't and now I feel like crap.
I was next door, looking in my step-dad's closet for his sword. (Don't ask.) When I found a journal. Opened it and saw my mom's handwriting so I started reading. She wrote it when I was 15-16 and it was mostly about me. She said some very disturbing things.
She didn't think I would ever be able to live on my own. She felt that she had to watch me closely so I didn't start hurting myself. She said that I was confused about my sexuality and wished I would "just make up my damn mind."
Other things that are very depressing.
I know that the time period she wrote them was a very bad time for me but it doesn't help. I also know that she had nothing but love for me and accepted me for what I am. She's been gone for a year and a half and I guess should try to understand what she was going thru at the time.
It's just very difficult. Very depressing. :(
I haven't told Lora. i know the things she would say. I know the answers. It's just hard knowing how she really felt.
I just don't know anymore.