I guess I shouldn't have been snooping. I guess when I found it I should have just let it lay and walked away. But I didn't and now I feel like crap.

I was next door, looking in my step-dad's closet for his sword. (Don't ask.) When I found a journal. Opened it and saw my mom's handwriting so I started reading. She wrote it when I was 15-16 and it was mostly about me. She said some very disturbing things.

She didn't think I would ever be able to live on my own. She felt that she had to watch me closely so I didn't start hurting myself. She said that I was confused about my sexuality and wished I would "just make up my damn mind."

Other things that are very depressing.

I know that the time period she wrote them was a very bad time for me but it doesn't help. I also know that she had nothing but love for me and accepted me for what I am. She's been gone for a year and a half and I guess should try to understand what she was going thru at the time.

It's just very difficult. Very depressing. :(

I haven't told Lora. i know the things she would say. I know the answers. It's just hard knowing how she really felt.

I just don't know anymore.


Anonymous said...

Moms worry - a lot. Families worry a lot too.

My mom worries how my brother's ex keeps using the kids as weapons against their father. I worry how my niece will turn out - very worried. Right now, it's not looking good but I keep trying to show her the right way to do things and keep on trucking.

Will it work? I dunno. I just keep the faith, try to heal the wounds and try to mold the future into a positive one.

The pain never goes away but hopefully it makes me stop and think about all the positive things I can do to ease it.

DM Jim

Mermaid Egg said...

I would tell Lora about it. Though you know what she'll say, the words can still be very comforting. It's not good to keep things like this bottled up inside. Let someone take you in their arms & habor you, solace you, telling you things are going to be okay.


administrator said...

I can see how that would be a hard thing to read. I'm glad my Dad isn't the journal keeping type... even though I know he loves me, I can't help but feel I'm something of a disappointment to him because I'm so different from him. He doesn't understand my tastes or my particular idiosynchrosies.

The important thing to remember is that parents have no choice but to worry about their kids. I know that if I ever have them, I'll be scared to death of them making disasterous choices... and God help the boyfriend of any daughter I may have someday. I'm going to be a "shotgun on prom night"-type of Dad, I just know it.

Your mother loved you dearly, Sara. And the fact that she wrote some troubled words in a dark time will never change that.

administrator said...

Oh yeah... the above was:

Moonspider said...

hey, mom's worry like that always...it's a mechanism they have

either way, you should'nt see yerself as anythign negative dear....you have many people here, in the bendis board and yer significant other that love and care for you through thick and thin

you are a wonderful person
truly amazing


hey, you are loved

The Girl said...

That would be pretty hard.

I've always wanted to read my mum's diaries, but I'm scared of what I would find.