5/26/05

Disillusioned

I guess I shouldn't have been snooping. I guess when I found it I should have just let it lay and walked away. But I didn't and now I feel like crap.

I was next door, looking in my step-dad's closet for his sword. (Don't ask.) When I found a journal. Opened it and saw my mom's handwriting so I started reading. She wrote it when I was 15-16 and it was mostly about me. She said some very disturbing things.

She didn't think I would ever be able to live on my own. She felt that she had to watch me closely so I didn't start hurting myself. She said that I was confused about my sexuality and wished I would "just make up my damn mind."

Other things that are very depressing.

I know that the time period she wrote them was a very bad time for me but it doesn't help. I also know that she had nothing but love for me and accepted me for what I am. She's been gone for a year and a half and I guess should try to understand what she was going thru at the time.

It's just very difficult. Very depressing. :(

I haven't told Lora. i know the things she would say. I know the answers. It's just hard knowing how she really felt.

I just don't know anymore.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Moms worry - a lot. Families worry a lot too.

My mom worries how my brother's ex keeps using the kids as weapons against their father. I worry how my niece will turn out - very worried. Right now, it's not looking good but I keep trying to show her the right way to do things and keep on trucking.

Will it work? I dunno. I just keep the faith, try to heal the wounds and try to mold the future into a positive one.

The pain never goes away but hopefully it makes me stop and think about all the positive things I can do to ease it.

DM Jim

Retro VGM Revival Hour said...

hey, mom's worry like that always...it's a mechanism they have

either way, you should'nt see yerself as anythign negative dear....you have many people here, in the bendis board and yer significant other that love and care for you through thick and thin


you are a wonderful person
truly amazing


:hugs:


hey, you are loved

Anonymous said...

That would be pretty hard.

I've always wanted to read my mum's diaries, but I'm scared of what I would find.