Scared now...

**"Sometime in the darkest hours of May 14, after putting away the groceries from WinCo and watching some old episodes of the X-Files, Jessica Dolin descended the creaky staircase into the basement of her North Portland bungalow, lit a candle and arranged nine Tarot cards in an upside-down cross, with the card of Justice at the intersection. Then she swallowed a handful of sleeping pills, slit her wrists with a paring knife and tied a plastic bag over her head. Her girlfriend discovered her crumpled, lifeless body by the washing machine the following afternoon. She was 29 years old."**

I read this and felt sad for her.

**"Jessica Dolin suffered from bipolar disorder, better known as manic depression--a disease so devastating that approximately 10 percent of its victims kill themselves, according to the American Psychiatric Association."**

I read this and began to feel very scared for myself. I was diagnosed as a manic depressiant when I was 16. I've always joked about my mania, saying that I would probably be completely insane by the time I'm 25. Now I'm worried that I'll do something extreme like this.

I don't want my Lora to find me dead by my own hand in the basement one day.

I don't know if I can stop it either. Sometimes my mind goes haywire and I have trouble controling what I do. Sometimes things that are normal seem strange to me. And sometimes I just feel like screaming till all the pain goes away. I get so tired of pretending that it doesn't hurt.

I wish I had someone close that understands these things. Most people don't believe that I see the things I see, or they think I act the way I do to get attention. BELIEVE ME, the last thing I want in life is attention. I just want to be myself, but that's becoming harder and harder all the time.

Sometimes things are okay, and I can live a normal life. Sometimes they get really bad, and life is anything but normal. I don't see how Lora puts up with it. She is so strong and loves me so much. My heart aches every time I think about how much I love her. I'm so scared that I'll hurt her one day being selfish.

Sometimes I just feel so lost.

Jessica Dolin lasted till she was 29 years old. I'm hoping to last longer. If you really want to know whats inside my head, read the site Jessica's sister put up. It decribes Jessica's fall into madness well.

For some reason my blog won't let me put links so just copy and paste the link below...please look at the site.


Anonymous said...

Hey there, this is Moonspider (well my real name is Edgar) from the bendis board.
And i too have suffred from such things in my life, because I too have been diagnosed with the same disease (well, that's what they call it).
There have been times in my life that I just wanted to slit my wrist and just take the easy way out in life......I should know, because I wanted to do such a thing 4 days ago.
I had a 1 1/2 shouting match with my mother about the thigs i wear and questioning my mindset when acting the way i do in public.
She is'nt too fond of the gothic clothing and thinks that anyone wering them are crazy.......but she never looked at the good grades i get from school and whatnot--the good things I do...she just kept on making what was being said about me and my nature the topic of choice..

It realy sucks....i just wanted to run away and leave this world behind
there are many times in my past that I've wanted just that...to end it all in one percisive cut ----i own a KATANA blade, so its not that hard, but I was hessitant.
I was realy considering it, but then i realized what grief I might cause the people i care about and love....and in return loved me back.

So i guess what I'm trying to say is that you should'nt be scared, because you have many people that care about you and would do their best to see to it that you are walking this world with a smile.
Hey, I think yer a kewl person, and consider you a good friend.
Yeah, it's kinda strange, but i think everyone on the bendis board is.....and i think you will do just great, so don't feel scared about anything---because you are sorrounded by a comunity that cares for you and will be there where it all matters.

I hope this has helped sweety
take care and just do what you do best....be yourself
because that's who we have grown to love

Anonymous said...

Sara, I hope that you realize that everyone on the Bendis Board cares about you. If you need help, the others and I would be more than happy to do so.

Take care of yourself,
Toufue Lo

Mermaid Egg said...


Don't be scared. 10 percent is actually a very low statistic. I feel that you'll make it, by holding onto yourself & your muse. Here's a song that reminds me of you. It's one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard, from a singer named Tanya Donelly who used to be with a band called "Throwing Muses." Listen to the lyrics. It's about conquering your demons. It' about you.



Love & Light,

Anonymous said...

you don't know me but my name is London and your not the only one with this disease or the only one who is scared. i am the same way. but everyone is right you just have to think about all the people you love and the ones who love you in return. like my g/f helps me threw my crazy moments which is all the time. and i feel the same way you do sometimes, i think why she puts up w/ me and another thing i am scared of her doing is leaving me and then i would really be alone. so there is alot in the same boat so hang on to what you have, for as long as you can.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Sara... I know how it feels, not being able to stop yourself from doing insane things. Being so depressed you don't know if you're afraid of living or dying.

It can be hard, especially when no one really understands.

You aren't alone.