It's dark here.
The air is cold and the wallgnomes are running around singing and dancing and telling me things that I don't want to don't need to hear. The little squiggly things are crawling all over my hands, trying to gnaw their way into my skin. Trying their damndest to get under my skin.
Deadgrandma is in the hallway outside my room walking back and forth past my door. Each time she passes she says something mean to me about Lora.
"She won't love you forever."
"There's someone else in her dreams."
"She thinks you're crazy."
Mean and hurtful things.
I think there's blood but I'm not sure. Sometimes I see blood when it's not there so I'm never sure. Once I cut my hand and thought I was imagining it. Lora freaked out when she saw me covered in blood. I didn't tell her that I thought it was all in my mind cause then she would know how dark it really is in there. Too dark for her, maybe.
She might have left me. Then I would be surely lost.
I can't get lost at this stage of my life. It's so dark that I don't think I would ever find my way back.
I have several reaccuring nightmares. The one I love most is the big gray house dream. Lora and I are living in a big old abandon gray house. All the windows are broken and there are spiders and bats everywhere. (Really, it's quiet beautiful in an astetic sort of way.)
We live on the hundredth floor of this house and whenever we come out of our room we have to avoid this huge hole in the hallway floor. We have to press our backs to the wall and scoot around the hole for it is so large that we can't see the other side of it.
It's a good dream all things considered. I have worse ones but to mention them here would make you all think I am completely insane. And I'm not.
I'm hearing things outside my window now. I should wake Lora but whenever I do she doesn't find anything and tells me to go to sleep. I lay there in the dark with my eyes wide open listening to the sounds that no one can seem to hear but me.
I think it might be the spirit of dogs come to haunt me for what I did when I was 16. I won't repeat it but if you go back and read some of my earlier entries you'll know what I mean.
I should go to bed now. The little squiggly things are eating each other and that's never a good sign of whats to come.