On January 4th, 2005, Lora and I were in the kitchen having morning coffee together. She was telling me about what she was going to do that day. I was slightly listening and slightly daydreaming at the same time. Without saying a word, I got up, went upstairs, got in bed, and stayed there for three weeks.
I'll try to explain this as best I can but most probably won't understand.
See, I felt this sudden overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Pure 100% despair. I thought about life and how fucked up I am. About how strong Lora is and how much she was going to do with her life. About how I do absolutely nothing and have a blinding fear of whats outside my window, and I just gave up. I lay in bed all that time, getting up only to use the bathroom when I couldn't hold it any more, and that was it. Annalara brought me food that I would eat but couldn't taste. Lora comforted me as best she could. My step-dad tried to talk to me to find out what was wrong, but nothing anyone said or did helped me at all.
I finally agreed to check into Newman Clinic for a few days with Lora hoping something could be done for me. After three days, the doctors upped my meds, called my theropist with the details, and said I should go home and try to find something that would attract my attention. Something that would make me feel better about life and myself.
The day I came home I posted the message below this one and tried to net surf a little to see if it would help. Lora came in and found me crying at my desk. I got offline and back in bed. Yesterday I woke up and went out to the pond behind my house and sat there for a few hours. Then I went to the stables and was going to go riding. I decided not to.
I'm still having major problems but the meds are helping things. The realization that I probably won't last for more than ten years before I either kill myself or go completely insane still sits heavy on my mind and I know theres nothing I can do to change it.
I'm trying but it's hard. I know I'm hurting Lora by being this way but my body and mind feel so very tired and I just want to lay down and sleep all the time. It feels like nothing can break me out of this. I want to be normal but can't. My mind won't let me. No matter how much I wish it were different.
Thankx to everyone for the kind words and for caring about me. I will try to get back online soon but there is darkness in my soul that is overwhelming me and I fear the end might be soon and sudden. I just don't have the strength to fight anymore and it feels like all of the light is gone.