Welcome to my darkness. If you've come to condemn or are offended by the insanity at this blog then GO AWAY! Your God doesn't live here!
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Rate Me on BlogHop.com!
the best pretty good okay pretty bad the worst help?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

2/1/05

Despair

On January 4th, 2005, Lora and I were in the kitchen having morning coffee together. She was telling me about what she was going to do that day. I was slightly listening and slightly daydreaming at the same time. Without saying a word, I got up, went upstairs, got in bed, and stayed there for three weeks.

I'll try to explain this as best I can but most probably won't understand.

See, I felt this sudden overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. Pure 100% despair. I thought about life and how fucked up I am. About how strong Lora is and how much she was going to do with her life. About how I do absolutely nothing and have a blinding fear of whats outside my window, and I just gave up. I lay in bed all that time, getting up only to use the bathroom when I couldn't hold it any more, and that was it. Annalara brought me food that I would eat but couldn't taste. Lora comforted me as best she could. My step-dad tried to talk to me to find out what was wrong, but nothing anyone said or did helped me at all.

I finally agreed to check into Newman Clinic for a few days with Lora hoping something could be done for me. After three days, the doctors upped my meds, called my theropist with the details, and said I should go home and try to find something that would attract my attention. Something that would make me feel better about life and myself.

The day I came home I posted the message below this one and tried to net surf a little to see if it would help. Lora came in and found me crying at my desk. I got offline and back in bed. Yesterday I woke up and went out to the pond behind my house and sat there for a few hours. Then I went to the stables and was going to go riding. I decided not to.

I'm still having major problems but the meds are helping things. The realization that I probably won't last for more than ten years before I either kill myself or go completely insane still sits heavy on my mind and I know theres nothing I can do to change it.

I'm trying but it's hard. I know I'm hurting Lora by being this way but my body and mind feel so very tired and I just want to lay down and sleep all the time. It feels like nothing can break me out of this. I want to be normal but can't. My mind won't let me. No matter how much I wish it were different.

Thankx to everyone for the kind words and for caring about me. I will try to get back online soon but there is darkness in my soul that is overwhelming me and I fear the end might be soon and sudden. I just don't have the strength to fight anymore and it feels like all of the light is gone.

I'm sorry.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad that you're feeling a little bit better Sara. All of us at the Bendis Board were worried and the wrestling thread just haven't been as much fun without you. We all deeply care about you and we're all pulling for you.

Take care of yourself Sara,

Toufue Lo

4:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sara,

I wish there were something I could do to help! You're one of my favorite people I've ever met online, and it's just not the same when you aren't around. I honestly enjoy things less when I don't hear from you or see you posting. You're one of the funniest, most creative, and most honest people I know.

As I've mentioned before, if there's anything at all that I can do to help in some small way, please let me know! You've got my e-mail address, and I'll see anything you post here.

Take care of yourself, and I hope you feel better soon. You've got my moral support. Let me know if you need any words of encouragement, or anything else. You're one of te few people I've met online that I'd call a friend.

-kubiak

12:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

MOONSPIDER


take as much time as you need sweetheart
You'll pull through this somehow, and i believe you to be a strong person....
don't ever think any lesser of yerslef because you got me and a whole lotta others who think the world of you dear *winks*

We all have love for yah babes
you just do what you must and do it KICK ASS STYLE!
you rawk

and you are the tripple H of the board....because yer just that damn good!

2:48 PM  
Blogger oneineight said...

Dear Sara,
As I mentioned in a prior comment on this page, I have recently become a fan of your writing.
I was saddened upon reading this entry and felt compelled to write you this message.
On many occasions in the past, I myself have felt that I was disappearing over the brink of my sanity, and at times, it even seemed that I was already gone.I experienced similar feelings of utter despair, believing that I was spiralling uncontrollably towards an inevitable demise, however, I got through it and I am certain that you will too.
You must try to remember that you are not alone in your suffering, that thousands of people have gone through similar experiences to your own and survived, and that there are lots of people who care a great deal about you.
I sincerely believe that the fact that you are able to talk cathartically about some very traumatic events in your life speaks volumes about your mental strength and I hope that you will be able to find some reassurance in that.
You are an intelligent, thoughtful, and wonderful person. Never allow yourself to forget that and I am positive that you will live a long and rich life.
Lots of love,
oneineight

6:11 PM  
Blogger oneineight said...

Dear Sara,
As I mentioned in a prior comment on this page, I have recently become a fan of your writing.
I was saddened upon reading this entry and felt compelled to write you this message.
On many occasions in the past, I myself have felt that I was disappearing over the brink of my sanity, and at times, it even seemed that I was already gone.I experienced similar feelings of utter despair, believing that I was spiralling uncontrollably towards an inevitable demise, however, I got through it and I am certain that you will too.
You must try to remember that you are not alone in your suffering, that thousands of people have gone through similar experiences to your own and survived, and that there are lots of people who care a great deal about you.
I sincerely believe that the fact that you are able to talk cathartically about some very traumatic events in your life speaks volumes about your mental strength and I hope that you will be able to find some reassurance in that.
You are an intelligent, thoughtful, and wonderful person. Never allow yourself to forget that and I am positive that you will live a long and rich life.
Lots of love,
oneineight

6:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

sara,
i know the feeling of just giving up and wanting to quit. it feels like the darkness runs so deep that u can't get away from it. i have similar problems but instead of wanting to sleep i can't all i can think about is how i want to die. but it helps a little if u try and surround yourself with people who love u like lora. and try doing things that makes u feel better. i hope u can try and make things go better for u. we all miss u online and hope your back soon. but remember you are not alone there are alot of us like you in the world who feel like they just don't belong and want to give up. like i am trying my hardess not to give up and the main reason why i am not giving up now is b/c of my g/f darcy. and i know if i do it would hurt her so bad and that is the last thing i would want to do. so hang in there b/c it sounds like lora really cares about you and it probably hurts her that you feel like no one cares and the way u feel so dark inside. but she does love u for who u r and so do the rest of us. i hope u feel better soon and remember to tell lors how much u really care for her i think she would really appreciate it.

all the best wishes
~London~

7:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope everything works out for you.


- NickThompson

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Sara!

I'll be rooting for you. Maybe you could try and get involved with a wrestling promotion in some way? Maybe even a small local thing if you have one in the area?

I can always use help with the Jaina stuff too which includes some of the suggestions you mentioned already.

Maybe some hours at the store? Might be a good way to meet new folks and bring more light into your life.

Keep the faith,
Jim

9:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh, honey

Hugs

just hugs


Jon Dye

12:36 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home