The Tale Of The Toilet Paper Bandits
Warm nights on the Mississippi River can be the best in the world. Condensation usually makes the woods surrounding the community foggy. Whenever I walk thru them I'm reminded of the origional Wolfman with Lon Chaney Jr. Especially when there are coyotes out and howling in the distance.
As I said before, there are two things everyone feels they have to lock away from me. The kitchen knifes, (Self explanitory.) and the bulk packages of toilet paper.
Sometimes they forget. Last night was one of those times. Lora went shopping and bought a 24 pack of Charmin and just left it on the kitchen floor. I, being the good girlfriend that I am, put it away for her.
"Putting it away" just means I hid it in the dining room hoping she would forget about it.
By the time everyone went to sleep I was just BURNING from the thought of that toilet paper sitting downstairs doing nothing. And that's when I heard it!
That was all it took. If the damn thing was gonna call my name in the middle of the night it must have been pretty serious about it's EVIL intentions. These intentions were NOT mine, mind you, they TRULY belonged to that dasterdly pack of oh-so-easily-unrolled and squeezably irresistable Charmin.
I was merely a pawn in it's twisted little game.
Now, going out into the community to spread MANIA is a thing I use to do often and STILL do well. Of all the MANIA spreaders in the world, I'm STILL in the top ten percent. But in my old age I kinda like to have a partner at my side.
Lora has refused to go with me for a few years now so my first thought is Emily. However, Emily is sleeping next to Lora and Lora is SO use to my late night wanderings that she's become a light sleeper. Waking Emily without waking her, too, was out of the question.
Luckily, I had another "girlfriend" to turn to. :)
So I crept into my sister's bedroom and crouched next to her bed. "Laaaauuurrraaa," I said softly and gave her a gentle nudge. She lifted her head up slightly and I started to say, "Hey, wake up and go with me..."
Just then she cut me off and said, "You can't take the spiders up there with you," shaking her head, "I don't know why they keep telling you that." Then she plopped her head back down and went right back to sleep.
Deciding that my sister was worthless, I had another partner in mind. A partner that told me she stays up half the night watching tv and has bright blue curtains in her bedroom. A cute little blond partner by the name of Jessica.
Being that it was nearly 2:am, I couldn't ride my moped around our quiet little community without waking people up. Most know that when I'm out in the middle of the night I have some kind of plans that include SPREADING MANIA!
So I went into our shed and pulled out my bike. HATE IT, but Jessica lives all the way on the other side of the community and biking it was faster. I wore the pack of TP like a backpack. Holding it on with a bungie cord.
Once at Jessica's house I crept around looking for the window with bright blue curtains and a light on. It was easy to find and I started tossing some pebbles at it to get her attention. She opened up her curtains and smiled a BIG SMILE when she saw me standing there.
"Whatcha doin'?" I asked.
"Watching tv. Wanna come up?" (AARGH! TEMPTRESS!)
"No. I have other business to attend. Wanna come?" I said with a coy, flirty smile.
She thought about it for a minute, looked over her shoulder a few times into her house, then whispered, "Okay, give me a few and I'll meet you by the trees across the street."
I do so love my coy, flirty smile and what it gets me.
Minutes pass. Finally I see Jessica coming from around back of her house. She's wearing this red strappy top, (The kind where the straps keep falling off of her shoulders making it possibly THE sexiest top ever.) cut off shorts and sandles.
Again I notice right away that she has the most ABSOLUTELY perfect breasts. Not big at all, just perfectly round and bouncy and, dare I use a MALE word, PERKY. Yes, I said PERKY cause that's what they are.
"Wanna have some fun tonight?" I ask, which I thought would be met with a smile but instead she responds, "Is that toilet paper?"
So I push my bike into the trees to retrieve later and tell her to come with me. It's initiation time.
Side note; I coulda left my bike standing right there on the sidewalk on it's kickstand. The community is a crime free place pretty much, but if someone had seen it and connected it to me then they might have suspected that I was up to something.
I tell Jessica the plan as we walk to our destination. She's very iffy about it. House-bound little thing that she is has never done any late night MANIA SPREADING.
Adams Field is our ceremonial field and is very cool looking at night because it's surrounded by trees and you can see the fog creep out from them all around you. Very cool visual. After we cross it we make our way thru the trees and right in front of us, directly across the street, is Elder Malcolm's house.
"There's our target," I tell her as we crouch in the treeline surrounded by fog.
"Have you ever done this before, " she asks.
"Couple times," I reply.
"Have you ever been caught?"
"We're not gonna get caught," I assure her. "Elder Malcolm is fast asleep by now so don't sweat it."
"Oh my god, this is Elder malcom's house? Sara we're gonna get in so much trouble."
"No we're not. Anyways, he's use to it." I try to assure her more.
"You've done this to him before?"
"Seventeen times." I finally say.
She smiles and, "You're joking, right?"
"Nope. Seventeen times over ten years. It woulda been eightteen but he busted me once."
Silence from her.
"Are you serious?" She finally asks. "Won't he know it was you?"
I look her in the eyes, think for a minute, then say, "Minor obstical. It doesn't stop the actual event from happening, just points at the obvious guilty party. Trust me. Your name will never be mentioned unless you want it to be."
"I don't," she says looking back at the house.
So I rip open the TP pack to make sure we have easy access. I usually can get two good throws from a single roll of toilet paper. If you spin it just right upon release it won't unravel all the way and if you aim it right you can usually see where it touches down.
I take Jessica's hand and quietly lead her from out the trees and across the street. Drop the TP at my feet and hand her a roll. I grab one myself, pull the end loose so it dangles, arch that sucker back and let go with a near perfect throw.
It begins to sail right where I intended it and will leave behind a beautiful long white streak. But before it can even hit the house, this roll of TP goes wobbling over my head. It doesn't unravel at all, just wobbles over and lands n the ground about twenty feet away.
I turn around to look at Jessica and she's already back thru the trees and running aross Adams Field.
And that just took all the fuckin' fun out of it.
After a few minutes of standing there watching her run, I pick up my toilet paper, sling it over my shoulder and start walking down the street home. I sat in the kitchen for a while drinking a cup of hot coco and thinking about what just transpired.
Thinking that Jessica probably thinks I'm a wierdo and will never speak to me again. Thinking that nobody...NOBODY does this kind of shit except me and maybe it was time to just fucking GROW UP and give this whole MANIA thing a rest.
Instead I went back out and TPed Elder Malcolm's house by myself.
Today, of course, I had to clean it up. Lora was mad. I didn't see Jessica but I'll go to her house tomorrow because my bike is still sitting there in the trees.
Researchers from a Belfast university have discovered that female sharks can reproduce without having sex. Sara says, "WOOHOO, men will soon be a thing of the past!" http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30200-1266902,00.html